Home › Forums › Texting Advice › How to deal with an inconsistent guy
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Crystal
Hi all,
A little over a month ago, I met a guy online who is really attractive, intelligent, and successful. We have some mutual friends who have said nothing but wonderful things about him. Over the last month, we’ve been on four dates that have gone really well. He is always really affectionate and upbeat whenever I see him in person. But…
One thing that I find really confusing and irritating about him is that he takes FOREVER to respond to texts. I almost never text him first because it is so agonizing to wait for a response. He’ll text me something like, “How is your day going?” I’ll respond, and then I don’t hear anything back for two days. And then he responds as if there was never any silence. This has been happening for the last couple weeks – he offhandedly mentioned that sometimes when he gets really busy he loses track of time and doesn’t respond to texts for days. I can’t help but think that this is kind of rude. I know he works a lot (almost 100 hours/week) in a really competitive field but it’s honestly not that hard to just respond to a text within like 12 hours…
Does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with a guy like this? He texted me yesterday to wish me a happy Thanksgiving and ask me how I was doing, but I haven’t responded yet because I dread waiting days at a time for his response.
Crystal
I’m realizing now that my title for this post is not really accurate. He’s not really inconsistent lol. He just takes forever to respond to messages
Stefanie
Crystal, you’re being unreasonable. He works over 100 hours a week. When do you think this guy has a minute to look at his phone? He’s concentrating on his WORK. That would be the last thing on his mind. “How is your day going” in a text to someone who works that much is just a nuisance.
I have my own business and I tell people up front that I do not text other than for logistics or “sugar” as in saying something nice that doesn’t require a response. I deliberately keep my phone off or in the other room. I haven’t got time for texts while I’m working.
Show some sensitivity and stop texting him unless he texts you first. Clearly not a preferred mode of communication for him.
Crystal
Hi Stefanie,
Thanks for your response. Although I should clarify. He always texts first, I respond, and then he takes days to respond again. Why does he even bother texting me if he doesn’t want to deal with a response?
What’s also strange to me is that when I first met him, I could always count on him to respond within a day. He also texted me far more frequently and seemed very eager to hear from me.
I honestly don’t think I’m asking for that much to just hear back from someone within 12-24 hours, but I’m curious to see what other people think
V
You mirror his behavior. If he takes 2 days to respond to your text, you take 2 days to respond to his. If he takes a week, you take a week. Eventually he’ll catch on and if he really wants to talk to you then he needs to respond in a timely manner. It is incredibly rude and selfish to expect someone to respond back to you when you couldn’t give them the same courtesy to respond to them. I dealt with a guy like that and he eventually stopped texting me saying I was “playing games” LOL!!! whatever. I was treating him how he was treating me. clearly I wasn’t a priority in his life so he wasn’t a priority in mine. What he tried to do was manipulate me into thinking I was in the wrong and when that didn’t work, he disappeared. And good riddance. I only want to talk to people who genuinely want to talk to me, not because they’re bored.
Stefanie
Text is lazy and meaningless as a form of communication other than the reasons I specified, IMO. If he otherwise takes you out, treats you well, etc. I’d do as V says and mirror him and don’t get fussed about it.
Andrea
I would suggest to not reply his messages at all and stop expecting any replies if and when you send a message. Then next time you meet him….which should happen only when he gives you a call, tell him you are not a text person. And never do sms with him again. Unless you are stuck somewhere and cannot be reached or reach him by phone call.
Cause if you expect him to change, this is unlikely.Crystal
Thanks for the advice everyone. Isn’t it strange though, that during the first two weeks, he was really attentive over text? Like texting me very long messages and texting me every few hours to chat? So it’s weird to me that suddenly he claims he’s bad with the phone. Shouldn’t our communication increase as we get to know each other better, rather than the other way around?
Flower
What does it matter..you can only deal with facts, and the fact is, he is not texting back..so back off too! Its really not that complicated! And Dont mention anything.
V
That’s BS Crystal. It’s 2015 and everyone is glued to their phones. If he’s not responding back to you in a timely manner it’s because he doesn’t want to. We’re all given the same 24 hours in a day. It’s all about priorities. Clearly his attention is elsewhere so yours should be as well.
Kate
It’s really not strange at all. He was excited to meet you and initially communicated far more than he really had time for. His lifestyle simply doesn’t allow him to keep that up. If you’re seeing each other consistently and the relationship seems to be moving forward in other ways, you should have some understanding for his workload and his tendency to not be a texter. And from what you said he IS making an effort to reach out to YOU when he has a free second, even if he doesn’t engage in a full on text conversation.
Maybe suggest a phone call every other day (in the beginning) when he is driving home from work, or after he gets home and has had a little time to unwind. But in this case, unless he is avoiding getting together or he never wants to communicate outside of texting, maybe just decide to not be bothered by his texting habits.
Kate
Just want to add that 100 hours a week is INSANE! When I work 60 I feel as if I’m walking around with a cinder block strapped to my back and a head full of fog. He’s most certainly sleep deprived and lacking focus in every other area of his life.
Are you sure you want to be involved with someone who is so obviously unavailable? I was married to a workaholic for 15 years and was constantly being told, “Once I get this promotion/get this raise/achieve this goal, it will get better.” Never did and we’re divorced. You might want to think a bit about what a relationship with this man would actually look like.
caetru
Since you have only been dating for a month I would assume that he is dating other woman and maybe communicating with them as well. I see it here all the time, guys are excited with a new woman and text,eamil,call frequently then back off after a couple of months. If you mirror his actions he will either fade further or wonder why you backed off.
Maria
I agree with V and Andrea actually. It bothers me a lot when people are not polite. Taking several days to reply to a text is BS in 2015, I agree with V fully.
But before you drop texting with him completely, make sure he does not think you are playing games, so tell him when you see him, not over text, only in person, and say it with a smile and without accusations, the same way would talk to a female friend if she did the same thing. Say something like this, you know, you take days to reply to my texts, I know you are busy, but it is not fair to me, I reply to you promptly, so lets just not text other than for scheduling purposes, ok? Call me when you want to talk. And after that do not text him at all, even if he continues, do not reply to his texts. Call him instead, and later, for calls, initiate 1/3 ratio, making sure he calls you more often.
In my experience men appreciate directness and they value it highly when a woman has enough self respect not to be insecure and wishy washy about basic things that she needs. If this pisses him off or scares him away or if he does not change his style – let me together with his attractiveness go. lol. You need someone who would respect you and give you what you need. You are not asking for much.
Andy
I think texting is just wrong and rude. It should only be reserved for things like, “How many dozen eggs did you want me to get, or How many gallons of milk?” Why can’t the two of you just talk on the phone when he’s done with work?
Gemini615
Sorry but anyone who gets offended by the time lapse between texts needs to get a life. Who cares if it’s 2015, people who actually are LIVING life and not glued to their phones 24/7 don’t have time to keep checking their phones and engaging in mindless chit chat over text. It’s stupid and it’s probably the number one issue in dating these days because women get all bent out of shape because a guy is actually BUSY doing more important things than to text back for hours on end.
The man works 100 hours a week, give him a break. If he’s not replying back then stop texting. And if texting is REALLY that important to you, which is silly btw, then find a guy with nothing else going on and all the free time in the world to text.
V
I’m sorry but I’m not buying that he’s working 100 hours a week. He has to have a day off sometime to eat, sleep, wash etc. That’s just an excuse to why he can’t answer the phone. Like Crystal said, he had no problem texting her in the beginning, and he was working “100 hours” then, now all of a sudden he’s bad with the phone. Stop with the excuses. While I agree texting is informal and should not be the focus in dating and y’all instead talk on the phone or in person, the “I’m busy” card is just tossed out as an excuse 99% of the time. We make time for the things we want and if he’s not making the time, it’s because he doesn’t want to.
Lane
Crystal, believe it or not but not everyone likes texting!
I personally ABHOR it and like this guy I won’t respond or will wait until I’m available to do so unless its urgent. Honestly at the end of the day I’ll have two ro three texts and some missing calls because I’m working and not tied to my phone.
Texting is one of TOP TWO reasons for the breakdown of dating (and relationships) today! Why? Because its NOT REAL communication, in fact its a BARRIER to it because it: 1) reduces the incentive to spend personal time with you; 2) has a a super high level of miscommunication; 3) used as false measurement [seek validation through it]; and 4) it drives women batty!
If something drives you nuts or you’ve become so addicted it to the point it turns you into a crazy woman then its a warning sign that you need to start learning how to communicate one-on-one {requires verbal and non verbal cues] in order to build healthier interpersonal relationships.
olivia
I would send him a text acknowledging his hard work, something like ‘have a good day at work (and an icon of a strong arm)’ and not expect an answer, but it will make him appreciate it at least. Only do it once or twice, not often. It will show you aren’t waiting for his messages, but don’t let him initiate EVERY time. Don’t ask boring questions like ‘how are you’, just a simple one that doesn’t require an answer.
Also, him texting you more often at the beginning is his way of getting you interested in him, but it isn’t sustainable. 100% bound to happen with every single man you date that they will end up texting less over time. Unless it is a man who constantly requires your attention, and you don’t want a man like that.karlie
DO NOT get caught up with the AMOUNT of time it takes for him to get back to you!! that is all irrelevant!! i agree with V on this one — it is 2015 and EVERYONE is glued to their phone/saw your text at one time or another. the ONLY reason he isn’t responding is simply because HE DOES NOT WANT TO. stop overthinking it. the only reason he was texting you like crazy in the beginning, is because of the excitement….but it begins to wane off once he knows you a bit more (your texting habits, what he can gather from you via texting). it’s BOUND to happen. truth is, i find it complete BS when guys use the “im too busy” card. GUYS, we all know what you’re trying to pull. it’s easy for them to say “oh, i work so much but i don’t have time to really have a nice date or send a simple text.” absolute BS. that’s just a lame excuse for them to keep you on the side while they string you along and keep texting you now and again. don’t believe in the “im too busy” guy — are you sure that you’d even want to date someone who is THAT seemingly unavailable in the first place? you should be questioning how you guys are ever gonna hang out, outside of the texting zone (which means NOTHING by the way). i think the smart thing to do is, wait for him to contact you…don’t even mirror his actions or send a text just to get some sort of “response.” that’s child’s play. gauge his level of interest. stop contact, and see if he gets back to you or shoots you a text to see how you’re doing OR MORE IMPORTANTLY, if you wanna hang out or go on a FORMAL/ACTUAL date. if not, MOVE ON and continue dating others. you want a man who’s available to you, NEVER beg for someone to hang out with you. it’s nonsense. have more confidence, and don’t latch onto losers like these. they pull these cards way too often, as i have experienced it myself personally.
redcurleysue
When you say everyone is glued to their phones I disagree.
Some people are and others are not.
As for texting changing over time – yep, lots of men do not like text over the long haul. They find it disruptive….some men like it but everyone is different.
Crystal
Hi everyone,
Thanks for all your responses. Looks like there’s a pretty big divide on this one.
I do feel that he is interested in me, but it seems like we have different communication styles and that might be a dealbreaker. Also, he’s going to be working this job for at least the next year and a half, and I don’t know if it’s worth it for me to stick around (besides, I’ve only known him for a month).
I think I’ll stop responding to his texts unless he starts stepping up his efforts again.
karlie
Crystal- yes, i think that’s the best way to go. it may SEEM like he’s interested, but it needs to be mutual and the only way to know that is by determining his level of interest in you. it’s ONLY been one month, and i get it – it’s easy to get invested. but take a step back and observe/evaluate his actions. wait for him to initiate contact, does he take the INITIATIVE to see you again, or set up a formal date. continue to date others and continue to fill your time with productive things to do, surround yourself with good people. it’s the online dating culture, and it’s a harsh reality unfortunately. there’s no need to continue to dwell on someone who is seemingly “so unavailable” or “busy” that he doesn’t have time for anything. i don’t believe that anyone is too busy to get in touch with someone, or just follow through with a date, or an old friend (unless they simply don’t want to). continue to get to know other guys so you’ll know how to navigate through situations or guys like these. you’ll find out that you just don’t have time for guys who have one foot out the door the whole time. Good luck!
Em
Crystal
It sounds like you are using texting to converse.
This is all wrong.
The *whole* point of texting is to get from point A to point B.
If a new man texts me about my day…I don’t care.
If a new man texts me an emoji…I don’t care.
If a new man texts me a sonnet, its a nice gesture but…you get the point.
The only texts I care about have a date/time/location because it is only by investing intimate contact that you build a strong relationship with someone.
You are investing in peanuts. If his responsiveness to your texts becomes frustrating, you need to figure out why it matters to you so much.
Crystal
Haha I am sensing a really strong divide on this issue. One thing that might be worth mentioning is that I am 24 and he is 23. Both of us are part of a generation of heavy texters. Pretty much everyone I have ever dated has been good about responding to a text within a few hours, so this is a situation that is very strange to me.
Em – the time we spend together in person definitely matters a lot to me. But I’m in law school and he’s working a very demanding job, making it impossible for us to see each other more than once a week. I don’t think this could work for me unless there is some level of communication during the week when we can’t see each other. In my previous relationships, I’ve gotten used to getting sweet texts here and there throughout the day, and I like it. I understand that not everyone is like that, but I want to be with someone who feels the same way as I do about communication.
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