Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › How to get a second date?
- This topic has 91 replies and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by
Rita.
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Shannon
That is happy news. Maybe he will be one of the exceptions.
Ruth
Till he gets laid he will act nice!
Jenny OG
No, it’s just men have somehow snagged the “chooser” role from us *women. I think it’s due to the adjustment of what we now value- looks, status, presentation over the traditional manners, character, reputation but that’s besides the point. Before, men had to be gentleman and properly court a woman if he was to find one and she would likely maintain a reputable image which was authentic rather than a simple façade that’s sufficient today. I don’t think this guy’s a “bad guy” but societal conditioning and acceptance has led him to believe that to come and go at his convenience will be tolerated. And it generally is. Most women think ‘I like him, he’s making SOME effort’ and that’s tragically become enough. No longer is basic respect and consideration important enough for WOMEN TO CHOOSE to walk away or at the very least set stronger boundaries… Good luck though!
Jenny OG
And I’d likely have gone out with him again but he’s now under the impression that he can 1. Contact you spontaneously and you’ll be forgiving of his absence without question and 2. To appease you is to put forth minimum effort after this type of behavior… You’re coming across as the “cool girl” but don’t seem emotionally controlled enough for it to be a fact. You’re acting like his behavior is okay and he’s perceiving that as well= unless he can read your mind, he sees no reason to make adjustments to said behavior. Obv it’s too early to strongly “encourage” tweaks, but this early on at the very least control your emotional investment while you observe his TRUE temperament. Then YOU CHOOSE if you want him. That’s how it should work IMO! :)
Laura
Yep we choose…he’s showing you who he is and seeing if you are willing to go along for the ride…all right is not good enough…that’s where you show needy…that you are willing to accept less than you deserve…You are the prize, the queen…all right is not good…just food for thought for ya.
Newbie
Hi Rita,
You are really wasting your time here. Have you never met a guy that was totally into you? He cant get enough, wants to talk and reach out all the time, no matter where he is or what he is doing. Its certainly not waiting for weeks for a second date and getting a text here and there. This guy is not letting you in at all. I strongly advise to move onAmanda
I actually cannot believe this at all…
Surely no one can be this naïve …
All the good advice just gone to waste…Eric CharlesKeymasterMan… all this speculating and pontificating in this thread…
Look, this could have been real easy:
– you have a good first date
– you don’t hear from him for a bit
– you’d like a second date, but if he’s not interested, you want to know that so you have a concrete answer, so…You just text him and say, “Hey, do you want to do something on [insert day of the week]?”
If he’s interested he’ll say yes… or he’ll say yes, but on another day.
If he’s not, he won’t respond or he’ll say no and leave it open ended.
Super simple and doesn’t need a PhD thesis written about it.
Jenny OG
Very true Eric but I’m essentially saying that people are people and through observation you can & should make conscious choices whether or not someone’s temperaments and tendencies are too your liking. For me, is not that she shouldn’t have gone on a second date, or even mentioned the temporary disconnect, only that going back to his place on a 2nd date after that behavior most likely contributes to not only how much he believes she values herself, but also where that boundary/acceptance line is. If ‘I’ had a good date, pushed you aside for a couple weeks, came back around & you fully accepted me without condition & even went as far as the full vulnerability of the equivalence of sleeping at my place… I’d think it was cute but I’d also be fully aware of my influence and your lack of self & control/ dignity
Jenny OG
In all honesty, a lot of people like that type of control and attention so maybe they do further pursue. I personally like mental stability and unwavering character, I like someone with a backbone that can directly say ‘that’s not cool no matter how great I think you are, this is my boundary’. Nobody is perfect, we all do what we hope to be “right” and yes, what’s “right” for someone else may be polar of what I’d find acceptable but bottom line, social interactions are generally a dance of conditioning and seeing boundaries. I only encourage people to know said boundaries that work for themselves individually and to assess whether those are healthy and if not, to strengthen them.
Jenny OG
Say she went on the second date and maintained a little distance seeing that he had “fallen off” for a bit. Had a great dinner, pleasant conversation, captivating moments, then went home. It’s safe to say that he may adjust and think ‘dang I really like her, I think I’ll make more of an effort than I have been in the past’. She would’ve showcased indirectly and subtly how she expects suitors to treat her. Instead she’s left him with the impression that she’s “cool” with him bailing and maybe he won’t do it again but in his mind, if he does, she’ll prob be “cool” BC that’s what their interactions have validated to him. Subconscious thought process. That’s why you treat one person different than another. You feel out individual boundaries and your influence over another and you interact accordingly. Unless someone has absolute integrity, you generally treat people how they let you which can be unfortunate but I don’t believe it’s blatantly intentional= people aren’t “bad” but psychological science is primal
Kamya Trehan
If he has been doing all the initiating business then he might have gotten the impression that you re not interested in him at all. I think you should text him in a casual way.
Jenny OG
And yes, maybe I extensively explain my mentality but that’s in attempts to maybe encourage others to do the same, when you see your own individual thought process through an observational standpoint *doesn’t have to be self-defeating* you can make adjustments or at least try to recognize if it’s working to your benefit in attaining your goals or not. If your goal is respect and consideration yet your actions and thoughs are counteractive to that, that’s basically equal to crossing your fingers that it magically happens. There are certain things out of your own control, but there are things that you very much have control over. Such as how much you should invest into any other person- time, effort, emotions, etc. Yes, it’s objective, but it also prevents you from a boatload of heartache and disappointment
Jenny OG
So after a first date, I’m hardly emotionally invested enough to care if I see you again or be affected if you “call” BC I only know the “you” you’ve chosen to show me which to be frank is your best version and prob 20-30% of who you REALLY are *if you’re a genuine person* so ‘I’ find it highly irrational to be upset by a person I don’t even know. I understand I’m abnormal but that’s just how I feel. I guess I’d be bummed if I didn’t get a second date with someone I thought I connected well with, but I’ve never experienced that sooooooo who knows. Good convo, Lol. I do love evolving my thoughts after considering and accounting for others :) Thanks! Good day
Rita
Thanks for feedback. I think me asking him out would have been an epic mistake…
Lisa
How did this turn into such a Jenny OG thread? Aren’t you the self professed narcissist?
Rita
Was a significant amount of words from her anyway! Well let’s see how we are tomorrow at the date.
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