How to get clarification?

Oh boy.

Jackie, I may be the one uniquely qualified here to answer this one. I’m American living in the UK. I’ve just walked away from someone who was upper class English whose schedule was so full with obligatory activities that I got squeezed in and I got tired of it. He also suddenly stopped bringing me around the family. And didnt ask to see me past Thanksgiving lunch, so I’ve just stopped contacting him. Who knows if my Americanness had anything to do with this. (I had a British boyfriend many years ago who broke up with me and flat out told me that his parents said that marrying an American wouldn’t get him anywhere socially – he was Oxbridge educated and his family were upward wannabes.) However, my recent ex was not at all a snob and that was one thing I really liked about him.

He is flat out telling you that his priority is to marry someone who can provide him a child to carry on the family lineage. This is hard for us Yanks to get because we just don’t think that way. He also told you he will not marry you unless you produce a child together. If you are not going to do that, he will not marry you. This is very plain to me from reading your post. I think you heard him right.

I know this is not what you want to hear… but I think the sooner you walk the better. He will indeed sacrifice you and you won’t be able to complain because he told you.

So sorry this has happened to you.

Thanks for the comments. You’re both right; I don’t think I’m capable of processing it just yet. He’s the one who started with the labels and introducing me as his gf. He tells me he loves me and how deeply he feels our souls have touched. He has made future plans for us, and I can’t reconcile his words with his behavior. I suppose I was hoping against hope that another conversation would change things.

Stefanie, my heart goes out to you too!

I’m so sorry to hear what you are dealing with. I think you need to walk away. What he said was upsetting, but what really botther me here is that he is completely unwilling to discuss it with you. I hate when people do this. Communication (good communication) is the cornerstone of any relationship (not just romantic). He throws this at you, and is upset you want answers? Here is where my low BS threshhold kicks in. That is just plain disrespecful and hurtful.

I am trying to reconcile the “egotistical, controlling etc” with the wondreful traits you mentioned. Those would be pretty big dealbreakers for me.

I find that as women, many of us think valuing and respecting ourselves comes secondary to the man in our lives. We all deserve someone who is wonderful and values us, and someone we feel and do the same for. Which I think is lacking in him by what you’ve said…

Lane, Thanks so much for your insights. I was not expecting our conversation to go down the path it did (in fact, we were talking about Christmas presents and I was saying something about giving something from my heart, when he sprung this on me completely out of the blue). Of course, as I read your post, I realize I should have practiced active listening. I should have paused, contemplated and asked questions; instead, I was so taken aback that I was left feeling – and saying – what are you talking about? Where is this coming from? What are you saying? Are you saying you’re actively looking for a wife? Sigh. I do know the answer to the question you asked. He’s 55, never been married and always hoped his sister who is younger would marry and have children. She didn’t. She’ll be 51 this year and his father passed a couple of years ago, and he says he feels it’s down to him to keep all of the promises. His mother has been all over him about finding a wife, because she is getting older and wants her son to be what she considers “safe” and settled. I have zero doubt that if she released him from his obligation that he’d pursue it. Frankly, at this point in his life, I don’t think children really fit in. As for being in his mid-50s and never married, He was engaged twice – the first one when he was young (in his 20s) and she cheated on him and he walked away, and the second time, he was in his early 30s and she was an alcoholic and he couldn’t deal. He said he’s dated on/off a lot over the years, but never met that special someone – says he gets bored. He told me that he had given up all hope and never thought he’d find me – or someone like me. Anyway, today he called me 5 times to say he missed me and was thinking of me, and plans on a 6th before bedtime. I find his level of attention confusing. I need to get centered and channel active listening. I think you hit the nail on the head.

Joclyn, thanks for your comments. No title is involved. Carrying on the lineage is his culture’s old world thinking; they are very routed in tradition. I don’t know how he’d feel about surrogacy or IVF … might be worth discussing. The one thing I know for sure: I am not willing be to be the mistress in the wings.

As I think back over our time together, little things that seemed odd are now starting to fit like a puzzle. Example: twice he remarked that he was sure I could have kids. It was early in our relationship, and I thought he was worried about unwanted pg; I assured him I could not have kids (hindsight really is 20/20). At the time, I asked him why he never had kids and he said the opportunity had never presented. He hadn’t found the right girl yet and at 55 he thought he was an “old man” and didn’t really want to pursue it. If it happened, he’d be okay with it, but he wasn’t actively pursuing it. Hence, we never discussed surrogacy, etc.

He has had a lot of pressure recently from his family to get married. His mother’s perspective is that he just needs to find a nice girl, and he told her that he’s looking for much more than nice – there are a million nice girls out there. He wants someone he is attracted to, she needs to be smart/witty, educated, worldly, can stand on her own two feet and keep him challenged.

He wants to pretend like everything is as it was before our conversation last Thursday. He called me 6 times yesterday and twice today – just to say hi and he’s thinking of me. We’re suppose to have dinner tomorrow night … I’ve got a lot of thinking to do between now and then. I feel sick to my stomach.

I would be concerned living with the mother and sister. especially if they are traditional as they may feel insulted if they are expected to share their roof with a “mistress” a that’s what they would perceive you to be as you guys are not married.

I agree there is nothing but heartbreak for your future here with this man.

I have lived with my in-laws in the same house and let me tell you there is nothing worse than a husband whose main goal is to please his parents. As then all you are is a housekeeper, in my case a uterus to provide them with grandkids. There was no privacy no nothing.

Hi Jackie,
The ladies here have many great points of view and recommendations. Overall I hope you realize that YOUR longterm happiness is what matters most here. You need to love yourself first and foremost and have YOUR best interests in mind. I know it is heartbreaking to meet someone and develop a wonderful connection only to find you are not on the same path, but that is what dating is for… For YOU to determine if he is the best match for YOU. He sounds like he really cares for you, but will having this in the back of your mind give you the security you might want? I would sit down with him, tell him how this new information makes you feel and what you are looking for. Only you can decide if you are willing to move forward knowing this, but I would recommend not wasting any more of your life waiting for him. Go find someone with shared dreams – he is out there.

Ladies, THANK YOU so much!!! You have given me so much to think about. So many differing perspectives. Each one of you has given me a much needed measure of strength to consider this situation from different perspectives.

Sassperilla, your words were not harsh at all!! You hit the nail on the head. I cannot disagree with your assessment: spoiled, needy, childish, and vain. The vanity part, that’s exactly what I meant when I said he could be egotistical. My friends believe he will find a young woman and strike a bargain (e.g., I’ll marry you if you give me children, and I will provide very well for you for the rest of your life. I may not be in love with you; I may have mistresses, but you will never have to financially worry.” Although distasteful, this is the only way I see those 20 and 30 year olds lining up …

Tallady, he doesn’t live with his mother. She’s in Europe but she’s coming for 4 months after Christmas. He’s anticipating that in the next few years, he will either have to move home or move her here. Today, he financially supports his family.

Overall, feeling less sick to my stomach. Thanks again!!!

Wow! Seems like the thread of conversation with this guy goes “if you were such and such you would be the perfect woman for me”.
This is a horrible way to be involved in a “relationship”. When I hear a guy say something like that, I put a very fine point on it. I am not such and such. And do you really think you will find such and such.
I have to say if he has a picture in his mind that Ms Right is something other than what you can provide him with, I would suggest that you point out to him that he may be pining after something that is not an actual possibility. However, if the guy has money, he may be able to get science to intervene with a younger girl.
I would hold up the mirror to him and see how he responds to these “reproductive realities”. And as a wife, why would it be YOUR responsibility to take care of HIS mother, when she has a son and daughter of her own.

This man sounds like he has never read the marriage vows nor does he comprehend them in the same fashion as you do. “Piece of Paper” or not, his concept may not be the same as yours. You are not the consolation prize.

I would get to number one on his list of people he wants to spend the rest of his life with or DUMP him. If he cannot pick you, he will constantly vacillate. Do you really want that?
You are still young enough to attract a sensible man who has the “family name” thing worked out already. I would be as clear with him as possible about what he is asking of you. And even if he says “let’s get married”, I would be as clear as possible that “marriage” means the same thing to you as it does to him.
Why fritter your best years away on him? I’d say you got off pretty well if you get out of there now. He sounds like a very indecisive man.