How to get over the fact that he's not a virgin, but I am?

Thanks for the advice, Kelly.

I suppose it is true that what matters more is the first time with someone you truly love, and that’s what counts. :) But I can’t get over the fact that he still keeps in touch with her; although they are no longer close, he admits they contact each other once a year, whatever that means. Could he still feel something for her? The thought just can’t escape my mind.

anonymous2,

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Hi Jenny,

I do see how that’s true…what I guess I’m upset about is that he made it seem as if he had zero experience in anything sexual at all, and imagine my shock when he finally admitted me (only after he’d mistakenly let it slip) he had went all the way.

Misrepresentation is a no-no for me but unfortunately this happens often. People invest emotionally in how someone has presented themselves only to be blindsided when their true colors start to bleed. It’s for you to determine how much of this comes down to character, or fear, or maybe even shame. But he had to have known you were a virgin, yes? So it was clear this is an important issue/topic for you and it’s concerning that he wasn’t completely transparent about it. I wouldn’t be bothered by the fact he’s not a virgin but yes, I now see why you’re having uneasy feelings. It’s almost like a lie by omission. And if you’re willing to “lie” to me about something that I deeply value and you’re aware of how deeply I value it, what keeps you from lying about something less valued? But also this goes back to the fact that he could’ve been scared or shameful but once again, you’re the only one who can know based on his general character and your interactions with him.

Alexis,

No, I don’t particularly care for abstinence. What I’m upset is that he acted as if he didn’t have any bit of sexual experience or even dating, for that matter.

Anon,

1. Who are you?

2. Where do those rules come from?

3. Why are you attacking anonymous2, when you should be confronting Kelly/Jessy who very clearly is breaking rule no 5?

Have sex with him. you trust him so go for it.

@R It does matter based on feeling. The reason why she wants to be with him is because she has feelings for him. She might possibly be angry at the fact that he shared his body and soul with someone else and not her. I totally understand why she could feel this why because I’m practically in her shoes.

Hi. Same as you, i’m still a virgin but my boyfriend is not,he told me months after we started our relationship. what should i do to accept him,like, completely accept his past? He said that he was sorry for it, but by the way he told me the whole stories,that his ex was the one that forced him to do it,i can say if he cant forget her,especially because she is his first,his first love,etc. I can see that he cant forget her body,her face,he voice.it really bothers me,I still can’t get over the pain of imagining him with her and whatever he could have done with her. I just can’t. It always shows up as a view of him having sex with his ex. And when he committed that he regret it,he said he wont do the same things with me. He said he just want to be a better person, just hug and hold hands. No kiss or else. It’s like… what? He kissed me and do things with me, but what makes me more jealous that he had done things to her ex, unforgettable moments, but he won’t do the same now. It kinda breaks my heart. Lol

Hi Hannah. His past relationships are exactly that. In the past. As you rightly said he can’t change that. What matters is how he behaves with you now. So he keeps in touch with her once a year? I still keep in touch with my first boyfriend. We’re still friendly. There’s no romantic feelings at all. He’s engaged to be married soon. We just like to keep in touch every now and then. There’s nothing more to it than that.

If it’s bothering you though just be honest with him.

Hi, I guess if he behaved like he was somewhat experienced in sexual activities in front of you, you would have questioned him “why?”, “have you had sex before?”. If he said yes, you might freak out and would make a mountain out of a molehill. This is the scenario he intuitively tried to avoid until the point he couldn’t.

I get that this issue is very important for u. BUT, for people who are not virgins including myself, our mindset is already very different from yours. Sex is is just an act, if it happened in the past that’s history, I won’t probe into my bf’s history and he also won’t probe into mine cos we know that’s history. But because you do not have this experience, there is no way he can make u understand this. He would not even want to talk about it cos it wasn’t that necessary for him. And he knows the more he explains the more questions will pop up from ur side, it’s be endless. So he chose to avoid it. Not exactly the right move, but I don’t think he deliberately lied.

Wait, he’s sending pics of you to his ex. How do you feel about that?