How to just have casual sex…no strings attached?

Hi there,

I’ve been in an ‘arrangement’ with a guy for 5 months now – it’s just sex, though we agreed to be exclusive after a month which I know is unusual in this situation.

It got a little confusing because we really clicked and talked almost daily for the first three months – initially we were taking it in turns to initiate but over time I found it was more me so we had a chat about what was going on, he reiterated his boundaries – no relationship, but he was worried I was dating other people and wasn’t happy with that – he wants a girlfriend in a box, basically, to take out when he wants!

I’m in the middle of a divorce and in no place to get into a relationship so want to make this work – I don’t want to sleep around but I don’t want to be celibate and I’m having the best sex of my life with him!

We just stopped talking to each other as much – now we generally check in with each other twice a week to say hi and see each other every 10 days or so. When we do see each other we talk more because that connection is still there, and the quality of conversation is better.

It’s working for me right now, but it takes emotional discipline and really health communication – just as much as if you wanted a relationship.

Good luck!

It’s not just checking romantic feelings, it’s also being prepared to become friends with the guy and to be dropped at any minute. I’ve had guys who I didn’t have romantic feelings for, but I felt we had become friends and it stung to lose them (as it would any friend who suddenly pushes you away or ghosts). It’s best to keep it just sex. Don’t eat together or do things together. Think of him as a free hooker. Because more than likely, that’s how he views you.

When people want to have their cake and eat it too it usually backfires.

Sometimes people make it work but when you ask them for how long this managed paradise lasted, you’d normally hear 2-3 months.

Hi Polly,

There is always the chance of getting attached in the way that will cause you to want more, but you are aware of that… just be honest with yourself if you can handle that in practice. We can all handle a lot more in theory vs in practice lol.

I think for a person to get the benefit from fwb, you need an awareness to keep it balanced. Fwb is not an excuse for putting up with rude or flaky behavior out of the fear of appearing as if you have commitment expectations. Feeling restrained or like you have to watch your every step will create the anxiety and atmosphere you are trying to avoid. The friend aspect of it should be your compass. If you can truly be genuine with your reactions being the same as they would be with a friend, then you are in the mindset to get the benefit from this arrangement. IDEALLY, (“ideally” doesn’t always happen, but…) fwb should be more relaxed and open because the terms are those where you aren’t wondering where it is going or if it is growing into a particular form of commitment.

I have a fwb. It is not exclusive and more casual than your situation. It started as a date and morphed into fwb. I can say it fell into place without much work, but I can still recognize aspects that have cut out the typical messiness though. We were both very upfront with having just gotten out of relationships, thinking each other was cool af, being attracted, but knowing/deciding we weren’t on or ever going to be on a marriage track with each other. We back off naturally when involved with other people or busy. We can talk about our interests in life, mundane daily stuff, or our involvements with other people with each other too. When we get together sometimes sex is involved, sometimes it isn’t. Either way, we still always do friend activities. Neither one of us has ever blown a friendly gesture or common courtesy out of proportion. i.e. – he cooks for me and I’ve organized his sock drawer haha. I can text or call him and say, “I miss ya. How the hell are you?” without the nonsense it might be taken as “clingy” or “desperate”. He can do the same. Who initates getting together isn’t an issue either. I can just as easily say I want to do something without the clichè taboos attached to the woman doing that. If either of us doesn’t get to returning a call or text right away, there has always been an explanation with the follow through of an answer, whether yes or no, when an invite has been involved. Point being: basic common courtesy without the pettiness of, “Ooooh, can’t be decent because it’ll be mistaken for bf/gf behavior.” has been the model.

Anyway, I apologize for going on about my deal. I surely don’t have all the answers, or even close. I do have my experience and how it has worked out because of developing the friend part of it and being able to be candid with each other. The benefit part won’t last indefinitely as each person pursues their relationship life, but best case scenario is that you understand each other enough to keep the friend part without jealousy or regret when you move on – unless you both decide you want more with each other. It’s been close to two years for me, so… these types of “relationships” can have worth if you are personally okay with them and not be destructive to your well being IF you both are on the same page and value the friend part as well as the benefit part.

I wish you well :)

If you have to ask, you can’t do it.

Back to the basics of A New Mode:. When he says he doesn’t want a relationship, it means he doesn’t want a relationship WITH YOU!!!!

how will you feel when he meets another woman out, and starts sexting her? Or maybe the next one will be someone he actually wants?

Therefore, he’s telling you he will f… you, but never love you. Duh!!

Plus about a dozen other reasons not to do NSA.

I think it’s kinda insulting when you meet a guy and he tells you he doesn’t see anymore from you than sex. If you feel the same way about him it is no problem. But since you are vulnerable after a break up and have no idea how to do casual I recommend you don’t do it. You’ll just get hurt all over again and feel used for sex.