How to know if he is sorry

When he says he’s going to change, how specifically is he saying he’s going to do that? What precisely is going to be different?
Is he telling you what and how he’s going to change and what in the relationship is going to be different and how it will it be different?

Maybe he even does want to change, and fully intends to, but this isn’t going to happen without deep self reflection and some kind of action plan to ensure things will be different.

I love what Maddie said about it being evident because, it’s about him wanting to be a better person for himself too.

Does he understand what drove him to cheat, and is he taking responsibility for it? Has he asked you what he needs to be different from your side? (Bearing in mind I’m not saying it’s your fault in any way shape or form, his actions are on him. Nevertheless something in the dynamic between you too may need addressing too.)

So I’m no expert on infidelity. But I have done a fair bit of research on it. Also, in my personal life I’ve been on the receiving end of it, in particularly cruel and callous ways. And in the past I’ve very nearly engaged in it myself, it took all my strength and will power and bold action on my part to avoid it (and probably some luck too if I’m being honest).

If I were to simplify things, I’d say two kinds of personalities engage in cheating behaviour: –
– those with a loose set of moral principles, for whom cheating isn’t such a big deal, and who will use perceived inadequacies of their primary partner/relationship to justify their actions;
– those with a stronger/higher set of personal ethics and standards, but whose most basic needs aren’t being met in their primary relationship and they either don’t understand the this and the dangers of this or don’t know what to do about it. They then find themselves in a position where someone else starts giving them the attention/comfort/understanding etc whatever it is that they’re missing.

Either way, it’s a choice. Cheating doesn’t just happen, somewhere along the line the person makes a choice to engage it or walk away.

What makes the difference is the responsibility people choose to take on them making that choice and acting on their feelings.

A person who will not cheat again has reflected deeply, understood the dynamics that led them to make that choice at that point in time. And fully believes that it was a an incorrect choice, so they not only vow to do things differently so they don’t find themselves in that position again, they actually do the things it takes to ensure similar situations don’t arise again.

It takes a brutal kind of honesty with oneself, and an understanding of how relationships happen and a clear understanding of why the primary relationship is so important to you and what life without it would be like.

Tia, it’s not an easy road you walk. The most important factor in your relationship has been broken – Trust.

Even if he truly resolves to change (whatever that actually means in hard definable terms) and he demonstrates it, there will still be times when you will doubt him. This is human nature.

You’ll need to have a discussion about how both you will address this when such doubts understandably arise.

It will require huge amounts of forgiveness on your part also. And I think this is tricky, because how do you forgive someone and stay in the relationship without it affecting your self-esteem? There will be work for you to do on yourself too. You have been hurt and betrayed. There will be resentment too. These are feelings you also need to address in yourself if you want to give your relationship a second chance and the best chance to survive (and flourish again one day).

I’m sure there’s more to think about than what I’ve mentioned.

The path is not easy, but that’s not to say it can’t be done. Other people have got through it, so it’s possible.

My starting point would be understanding his character first and foremost. What are the guiding principles and values he lives his life by?

You may not agree, but I have found that their are no small things in life. There is a saying, the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. Does he lie or is dishonest about little things in life? If he does, he’s going to find it easier to justify his actions and avoid taking the kind of responsibility and strength it takes to change and show up at a higher level in life. You may well be fighting an uphill battle.

Think carefully Tia and don’t be taken in by words and sincere expressions in the moment. What is the work that has gone on behind them? Why in precise terms should you believe him? Because if nothing has truly changed other than his apology and promise, nothing will.

You know you will never be able to trust him again…

You already know this.

Of course he’s sorry, he got caught.

Definitely what Zoe and Raven are saying. I would not stay with him at this point. No need to go into deep character research, he’s sorry he got caught.