How to support him

You really can’t support people like this because they need to want to support themselves and not get stuck in self-pity or feeling the victim. You can’t change that for someone. The problem with men like this is when you unconditionally support their bad behavior, they lose respect for you. They wonder what’s wrong with you that you’d stick around for them when they’re at their worst and giving you nothing. Then if they do pull themselves together, they’ll find someone else.

The exception is when you’re already in a very steady and fully committed relationship and someone falls on bad times that isn’t their own doing — like illness or an injury or layoffs or something else bad happening to them that isn’t due to their own bad behavior. In those cases, some patience and support is warranted. But they still shouldn’t take all their negative feelings out on you even in that situation.

But in a case where the guy is wishy washy, hot and cold, not committed, giving you crumbs, then the problem is him not you and you’re wasting your own time trying to do anything to change him. If he is losing you and gets himself together then maybe, but otherwise he will take advantage until he’s ready to find someone else because he’s not ready for a healthy relationship right now or doesn’t want one if he’s acting like this. Plus, sometimes when someone says they chase everyone away, it’s due to their own treatment of others, and there’s a good reason everyone else gets out and he doesn’t. He’s actually telling on himself about how he is. So sometimes it’s not good to try to “not be like everyone else” if they have a good reason for moving on, like being treated this bad way.

You know you deserve better than crumbs, too, because you say you don’t like his behavior. Don’t accept non-committal crumbiness!