how to tell him he's upset me

Can you give a specific situation, then we can help more.

In general, best to not say someone hurt you, best to say, you are hurt and own your own feelings. Example….. Wow, it feels icky when our calls don’t happen. I know it is my issue to deal with my anger, but I was hoping you could help me. What do you think?

When this happens, I feel this. I am sure that is not your intention….

You need to do it situation by situation. You are not giving me anything to work with in terms of details, or examples so I cannot say if it is you or him.

But your best move is to just focus on you and your life, do not make him the center. And focus on what he is doing well, not what he is messing up. And if you feel hurt, own your own experience. Look up inner bonding and Kate Byron – the work. Both very good tools.

And you walk away from someone who treats you badly. Ultimately, you can’t change someone. You can only make requests and observe…

And by the way, it is Byron Katie. Yes that really is her name. It’s her first and middle name, in that order.

The reason I ask about Rori is because I bought a couple of her classes and “icky” is a word she uses. It’s not a word I would use speaking with a man, it sounds like a five year old’s language IMO.

I dabble with Rory. She has a few interesting concepts, of which I really like the phrase icky. I find it is clear and men understand it well. I have used it occasionally and never once was told I sounded like a child. In fact, every man has changed their behavior and apologized in the situation, and the relationship grew. You don’t have to use it, if you don’t like it.

Btw, icky works well because it covers a bunch of feelings that are hard to describe…. Disappointed, frustrated, angry. That way you don’t get too wordy. Use whatever words work for you.

Tall, thanks for clarification. I’m living in England. In 10 years I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say “icky.” That’s probably my bias against it.

Hi Moofus.

Thing is men are DIFFERENT from us. They act differently, talk differently, and above-all need to have A PURPOSE (reason he exists) which they do by achieving life goals. When they no longer feel your supporting or inspiring him to achieve those goals and demand he focus on YOU is the moment his attraction level decreases and you start losing him.

With men, I have found the BEST way to get your point across is to use humor! Men hate SERIOUS relationships—they want to laugh, have fun, and above-all know that you support his goals, objectives, dreams and accept him warts and all. A man’s primary need (biologically speaking) is to provide and protect, and he will be more than happy to do that for you when HE FEELS you support his primary PURPOSE (such as a career, hobbies) by actively engaging with him in those endeavors.

Men absolutely crave a woman who’s light-hearted and doesn’t take things too seriously especially when things get rough. If you’re becoming overly serious, worried, and self-conscious is when he loses attraction and pulls away. If you lead with a sense of humor most of the time, it’s an amazing find for a man—-men don’t just want it, but NEED IT.

I suggest you stop focusing solely on what a man can do for you and find out what his LIFE PURPOSE IS and how you can inspire him to attain it—if you do this, he will reciprocate by giving you his love and attention (quid pro quo). Humor is also an excellent prescription when a man’s too serious, whereas if can get him out of his little funk by getting him to laugh and lighten-up his attraction level for you goes UP big time! So try to lighten up, get some sass, find funny anecdotes to address problems in a relationship, stay busy doing your own thing too, and you might learn how to enjoy them :-)

It is good to have an arsenal of communication. Humor is not always effective, and may not be appropriate, depending on the situation. In fact, using humor when you are very upset is not authentic. I prefer owning my emtions and making requests…

Each person uses something that works for them, if icky does not work, then don’t use it. However men get confused by too many words and deeply understand when something does not feel good. …hense icky or uncomfortable or unsure or bad…

Thankyou to everyone I really appreciate the great advice on here :)
To be more specific, my bf works away a lot and his communication can be very sporadic, sometimes not for days even when in the middle of a conversation. This used to drive me bonkers and I’d take it mega personally to the point where when he did contact me the first thing I would do is have a go at him about it. I realise now from reading the articles on here that this only made things worse and didn’t make him fall to the ground apologising and want me more (shock) it is also something I did with all my past bf’s and probably why they are in the past! So anyway I stopped letting it bother me so much and things are better but by just dismissing the fact that he ignores me for days am I giving him the go ahead to mess me around whenever he feels like it?

I don’t use the word “icky” but I might start, for the reason Tallady gave… it covers a lot of emotions and it’s a non-threatening word. I once told a man I was feeling a “bit angry” that he was demanding sex before any commitment. He FREAKED OUT. Now, it’s obvious this guy is not right for me and I stopped communicating with him but there are some emotion words that can be triggering for some people. Angry and hurt are two biggies. Icky can cover the whole gamut and it’s not such a loaded word. I think I will try using it more often. Thank you!

Another thing that’s worked really well for me when I can remember to use it is “I’m assuming you do everything for a good reason. Would you help me understand, why did you do…?” This is a really helpful question because the reason we think he’s doing something is almost never the reason. Once, I asked a guy to do something for me and he was doing the complete opposite. I knew he loved me and he was a very kind man who would never intentionally mess with me. But every time I saw him do the opposite I started to think… “Is he STUPID??” I knew he wasn’t so I asked him. Turns out he just had the completely opposite definition of the word. (I asked him to leave the shower curtain open to air it out and let it dry. My definition was spread out, his idea of open was squished up in the corner so that the shower was open to step into…. so silly but after a few days of wondering and gentle reminders I was ready to chew him out. But I asked and we had a good laugh about it)

Hi Ashley that makes perfect sense! I hate drama and confrontation but I thought that was the only way to get my point across how crazy is that?! Thankyou :)

Good post M.

Ashley, appreciating your Millennial generation perspectives. I”m Gen X.

Hi Willa.

This is where women go WRONG so often! There are tentative plans and then there are “specific promises” when it comes to men and need to learn the difference between the two. Now if he said he WOULD come and see you and gave you a time-frame of his arrival, then that’s a specific promise. In such an event it should be discussed in a calm and cool manner such as “I need to be able to trust what you say and when you said you WOULD (with emphasis) come and see me for NY then I fully expected you to do so, and need to know why you changed your mind?” Need to ASK “why” so you learn what his words mean and work on how the two of you can communicate this better so there isn’t a ‘loss in translation’ moving forward.

The fact he was only ‘talking about it’ (per your words) and didn’t set a specific time frame on when he would in fact arrive, in HIS MIND he hadn’t really fully committed or (promised) to see you, so like many men do, will ACT if something else comes up, like a call from a good buddy and just ‘do it’. Some DO KNOW they’ll get some blow back from their GF when they pull this stuff and will suffer the emotional consequence if they absolutely believe it was WORTH IT. Its OK if they do it every once in awhile because men need to flex their autonomy and maintain some freedom or your relationship will be doomed if you keep too tight leash on him.

I know the stark difference when mine makes tentative plans and a specific promise. When he says “we should do something this week but doesn’t give a specific day and time he’ll call and pick me up”, then I go ahead an make other plans and don’t rely on his words. But when he says “lets go out Friday, I’ll call after I get off work and tell you what time I’ll pick you up” its A DATE (specific promise) because 99% of the time when he states it this way it happens. Need to learn the difference between tentative and a specific promise so you don’t drive yourself nuts over how a man’s words are spoken :-P