how to tell him he's upset me

Lane excellently put, thank you! It was tentative but we’d left it at ‘ok these are the possibilities’ let’s talk again in the next few days to make a plan. He delayed & delayed with making that plan, then came the ‘I really want to see you, possibly next week?’. For the first time in potentially my dating life (!) I called him out on it simply. I just said I felt like by time was being taken for granted a bit, I was sure that wasn’t his intention but was just being honest how I felt. It would be lovely to see him before he goes away’. I feel I had to take a stand on this occasion – I would have loved to be able to distance & SHOW my displeasure but due to him going away soon I couldn’t leave it. He responded a little taken aback, as expected. Apologised if I was annoyed that by him not giving me an answer I couldn’t make other plans, that he was focused on something else & when that happened he couldn’t commit to plans. I responded in a way I feel was calm, loving & understanding – I said I respected his need to focus and if he wasn’t able to commit to when or if he could visit, but would just have appreciated being let know that sooner. He called me soon after that but I was busy. Don’t know if I’ve done the right thing but I spoke from the heart. Have I done the right thing?!

Hi lane. Always appreciate your advice & feedback. Just trying to understand it all! I thought I was usually passive aggressive by ignoring & secretly stewing or by laughing it off when I’m actually bothered? I guess when I said this I didn’t realise this was a case of the difference between concrete & tentative plans, which I can now see this was. When we speak I can say that how you put it above. I definitely don’t feel like I blamed or shamed him. I didn’t tell him off, just stated my boundaries (sorry, not disagreeing with you, just trying to understand & learn as this is not something I’m used to doing!). I was trying to explain to him that it wasnt that he was changing plans that was the problem/not following through, but that he kept me hanging on by not telling me that sooner. I had explicitly told him I had other plans to make if he couldn’t come when we spoke last week. Btw this wasn’t for NY plans, it was for this weekend. He had brought up coming to visit me at my parents (I don’t live there) so obviously that brought in another element but I didn’t put any pressure & said figure out what works best for you.

And as a side note: It always good to employ ‘active listening’ in these types of situations. For instance when you tell a him “I would really appreciate it if next time you would give me a heads up as to what your going to actually do so I’m not waiting around thinking your doing one thing, like visiting me, when you decided to do something else” ASK him to repeat what he heard, that way you KNOW he received the message and wasn’t tuning you out :-P

Active listening is definitely something I will employ too!

Stop waiting for him…

Hi Willa,

You were the opposite of passive aggressive–you gently and directly told him you felt like he was taking your time for granted a bit. I agree from what you describe here with the delaying, etc., that he WAS taking your time for granted, regardless of the difference in meaning between tentative/concrete plans.

I think you handled the conversation perfectly. You clearly set a boundary by telling him that if he delays and delays the way he did–demonstrating he doesn’t value your time and assumes you’ll be around whenever he wants to see you–you’ll feel taken for granted. Now he knows you value your own time, so maybe he will, too. If he keeps behaving like this, you know to move on.

Willa, sorry but you need to own your part in it too.

You can stand by it, but you were passive aggressive which is best defined as ‘sugar coated hostility’. You were hurt and angry by him not letting you know in a timely manner he wasn’t coming to see you and although it may have been wrapped up in sweetness it was clear to him that you were very bothered by it. He even apologized for NOT doing something intentional while your taking zero ownership for you part or role in it by not calling and clarifying it, or keeping your original plans when he didn’t clarify it—it takes two to tango.

I understand your learning, but owning your role and part in a relationship is a BIG step towards showing him that you failed here too (by not calling and getting clarification) and also need to change your approach in these situations.

I really like the word icky actually– never heard it used before but might add it to my arsenal. ahhaha. Guys are a lot better when you come at them with ‘it makes me feel uncomfortable/icky’ than if you tell them “it makes me hurt/ angry/ disappointed”. Plus I think Lane is right in that if you keep things light they get the picture anyway and you don’t come off sounding like you’re toooo emotional about things. (Later in the relationship, sure, fire away with the hurt/ angry etc.)

To Moofus:

Men are not mind-readers. They don’t know what would make you happy. Sure, some really clued in, experience ones know exactly what to do, but by and large, nope. If you want things to be a certain way, you have to let them know. What you’re doing is creating these expectations in your head, sitting back and then when they don’t fulfil these expectations which they do’t even know exist, you feel bad. And you bottle up these bad feelings, and when it gets too much for you, out of nowhere (in the guy’s eyes) you explode and outpour all these emotions. The man then thinks you’re being over-dramatic, emotional etc. And when you keep at it, they feel like you’re being needy. Men just cannot handle emotional outbursts like that.

Your problem: To be more specific, my bf works away a lot and his communication can be very sporadic, sometimes not for days even when in the middle of a conversation.

I don’t believe the silent treatment will work in your case because believe me, he has ZERO idea that the communication matters that much to you. I know this is RLY HARD to understand, but I dealt with a guy who was the EXACT same and I had to slowly come to understand that he SIMPLY HAD NO IDEA that i was so bothered by his lack of communication. For me it was like DUH, if you like someone talk to them and at least don’t leave a convie halfway. For them, in the middle of a rly busy work week, they simply go into their own bubble. They don’t communicate with anyone unless it’s crucial or pertaining to work. That’s where their heads are and they just don’t think it’s necessary to let in external stuff. Yes, the might aimlessly scroll through FB or wdv but that’s cuz it doesn’t require mental investment into anything.

You see, mens heads have boxes in them. When they open one box, the others are shut. Women’s brains are more like wires. Everything, all at once.

Having understood that this is just how the guy is, do you understand how ridiculous it will seem to him if you just blow up at him or be really snarky and cold when he comes back?

SO what can you do? You CAN teach a man to do what makes you happy. All you need to do is ask. Very simple, very easy. Ask when you’re calm and he’s calm. Just say smth like “hey it makes me feel a little uncomfortable when you go MIA for a few days at a time. I rly like communicating with you and it makes me feel connected with you even when we are apart. It would mean a lot to me if you kept in touch more”. Then just listen to what he says. He’s likely to tell you he just gets super busy etc, then just say smth like “yeah I totally understand. I guess I’m just more of a chatty person. It doesn’t take much to send a message though, and it would mean a lot to me” then show your puppy dog eyes.

Chances are, you’ll see him pick up the frequency. Now here’s where you control yourself. No matter how much he picks it up, believe me it’s not gonna be enough for you. You need to realise that him being different from you does NOT mean he doesn’t like you. Don’t confuse the two. It just leads to heartbreak for you for no reason at all. Plus, every now and then he will lapse. My guy lapsed a few times. I just either a) started chatting again first (they rly don’t mind when you text them again if they do actually like you. Just don’t do it all the time or in a retarded I NEED A RESPONSE NOW kinda way. Just a funny message now and then works), b) waited till he came around again and then said smth like “thought you’d died!”

Ya know, I know a heck of a lot of women who are actually quite serious and not what I’d consider to be lighthearted and they are married to very nice good men. I am not saying that lighthearted and humor isn’t good but if I look around at my friends that are married and view their personalities even before marriage, I would not say that lighthearted women are not the married ones.

What I really think is that when you are with the right man and have good communication skilss that regardless of your personality you will match with that guy and it will work, lack of confidence aside though.

I happen to know a girl who is quite serious and has a wonderful husband, she asked him on their first date if he wanted to get married and have kids (not with her of course)..lol but the point is, did he run, no, was she funny and lighthearted in that moment, nope, but somehow she was right for him and he was right for her so it worked.

If you try to be something, something better, or even different — you will be too busy being someone else than to actually get to know a man and pick him if you like him, rather than trying to be what you think all men crave and want and need, think of your wants.

What will happen is that you will go in reverse and you’ll try to be funny, light and then you will be a doormat cause you won’t express anything that you are displeased with or call the guy on his bad behavior. What you really need to do is be yourself and learn to communicate with men. That is not an easy task in this society but keep reading on communication in relationships and you will learn to improve. But steer clear of any advice that tells you what you NEED to be in order for a man to like you. There is a lid for every pot and many serious women have wonderful marriages too. I know a lot of women that lack sense of humor but they are married, I know cynical women whose husbands love them, mellow women whose boyfriends cook for them, I even know a woman who is bipolar who has a boyfriend who loves her.

moofus: Is he generally a pretty clueless guy where women are concerned? Cuz it sounds to me like he is.Either way, this is all you can do:

tell him what would make you happy, and what he already does that makes you happy. That’s it. Very simple. If he delivers and you’re happy with that, then cool. If not, then move on.

But first ask yourself if you really want all this communication or you’re just using it as means to test if he likes you?

Hi MB.

Words are our language, where doing and showing are a man’s. As long as he SHOWS you then you shouldn’t be feeling icky or unfulfilled at all, but happy and secure :-) I prefer men’s actions over words because I know they have more meaning than words—its when they stop doing or showing it is when I would be concerned. Learning how to ACCEPT and then ADAPT our unique differences makes relationships a heck of a lot easier :-)

Neediness and clingy come from fear of loss. It is unfortunate we lose what we are frightened to lose. This is where self confidence comes in. If you believe you are wonderful then everyone else should too. If they treat you any less than the wonderful queen you are then maybe they need to be thrown out of court.