How to tell him why I am rejecting him

Also, he once hinted that i should buy a particular expensive jacket for him. I found that soooooo unattractive. He has given me little gifts so far but an expensive jacket? Really? Is that a normal expectation? I mean I am a lady and I am not expecting him to buy me expensive jewellery or dresses or anything yet.

Also, he is 5 years elder to me. Earns four times more than me. But he recently told me that he has to look after his parents and he is a man of responsibilities so he doesn’t have money. Also I will have to live with his mom and dad of I get married to him – and is dad is abusive – he beats his mother when he drinks – he says his dad is a narc.

Just say you are incompatible and do not have similar lifestyles, and because you are long distance, it took you longer to get to know this. You do not owe him any further details, and if he keeps pressing you, it actually justifies the decision. You buried the lede by adding all of that in with his upbringing and family after your first post, but you knew something was off. He came on way too strong at first, but then doesn’t see money and dating in the same way as you on top of it. If he can’t take no for an answer, you’ll need to ignore or block him. There’s no reason to keep the conversation going when you’ve already decided you don’t see this going anywhere.

Maddie, it’s just that I want to tell him about the money issue so he knows that’s why I am leaving. Maybe he would step up? I mean he is very caring and into me. So I don’t want to lose him. He just lives in a scarcity mindset so maybe he doesn’t feel like spending money idk but maybe if he knew that I am leaving because of this he might do something to change that?

Raven – in his childhood his dad used to beat his mom. Now there are no beatings. But he still annoys her after drinking.

What are the most prominent red flags according to you?

Yes to all the flags AngieBaby said.

A couple of questions. How long ago did your husband pass away (my condolences)? Have you dated anyone else since then?

You’re describing being in love with a man you’ve met maybe 4 times who: is long distance, you don’t want to marry, doesn’t make you happy with all aspects of how he treats you, comes on way too strong with promises and expectations inappropriate for early dating, and has a chaotic home life that will impact you negatively as you’ll have to live with his abusive father. Perhaps you’re still scared and upset and mourning the end of your past relationship and choosing a bad match for yourself on purpose as it feels that might protect you from feeling hurt again? But you want to be with someone so you’ll feel less lonely?

This man sounds emotionally unavailable for a real relationship, despite pretty words about marrying you once you’re ready. And it is quite manipulative to try to be with someone you’ve lost attraction to while pulling way back or breaking up totally in hopes that will cause them to change something (a change that will be temporary at best or will make him angry at you for suggesting at worst). Think about what you really want and why, and don’t play games. That’s the only way to be fair both to him and to yourself, otherwise you’re going to get stuck in a total mess.

Maddie – I lost him 2 years back to a plane crash and I have been incredibly love deprived and lonely since then. This is the first time I dated someone after him because he had husband like qualities. He literally took care of me, picked me up and loved me. But then became cheap…if he could just stop being cheap I would feel loved again…but the reality is that he doesn’t that’s why he doesn’t want to pay for me.

You are right maybe I am just lonely. And want to feel loved and have a husband again to live with and love.

AngieBaby, I appreciated your comment because I wasn’t sure how to say all that. You commenting first allowed me to summarize and get to the next point because you covered the rest well. Don’t feel like your comments don’t bring value just because you laid it out bluntly!

Hopefully getting multiple perspectives, especially when they’re similar, is still helpful to OP. But Tess, your loss is understandably difficult. Were you able to get any grief counseling before resuming dating? Some of these red flags you now see are really universal and should be avoided, and having some help and guidance to deal with processing grief will make it a whole lot easier for you to feel confident picking a good man in the future. It’s tough to bounce back after an unexpected tragedy because you may be motivated by fear or loneliness, and either of those feelings will lead you to lousy men who operate best with women who will let them get away with too much. Him not spending enough money isn’t really the problem here, though it is an incompatibility between you both.

Sorry for ur loss. I dont think tess u need to go into reasons as to why you want to back out. Being cheap is def a big factor in wanting to back out. A frnd of mine was dating this guy and he wld go dutch for evrythng! Despite misgivings she still married him. Post marriage things just got worst. Despite years of marriage there was a clear demarcation in terms of his and her money. And he mostly ensured he paid for his expenses and she paid for hers. Even for holidays, he wld be reluctant to spend for her. Needless to say, they got divorced aftr many years. But all thru their marriage it was alwys his money and her money. So its best you nip this here right now before u get more involved.

Hi @Tess, You’re going through withdrawals…

This is normal. You know that by keeping in contact doesn’t do you any good, right… You are long distance, so just block him. It sounds cruel, but best in the long run.

Heal without the distractions so you’ll be ready & able to accept the love you deserve.

Raven is right about the withdrawals. They do pass but you need to allow them to pass. You said he came on really strong early, was he love bombing you? That can make everything feel even worse when it ends, but it’s not because of actual love.

If being in touch is making it diff for you to break that bond, you need to stop all contact. Just block his number and take few days to get over your grief and disappointment. Trust me you do not want a man in your life who is dependent on you momentarily. That will kill any fewlings that you may harbor for him in no time at all! If you feel like connecting remwmber how hes stingy with hia money. And there is nothing wrng with wanting to be with a man who is financially well settled and stable in life.