Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How to turn the tables when it seems he's pulling the slow fade?
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by
Stefanie.
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Dana
So I met a guy on tinder over a month ago. We have had 8 really good dates. We started slow and didn’t kiss until date 3. He was a gentleman and seemed really into me without being too eager. I wanted to take things slow so I wasn’t overly intense towards him. On date 6 after about a month we hooked up. Things seemed to be moving in the right direction and then a week and a half ago he started to get distant with texts (which were usually at least twice a day) and didn’t make plans with me for the weekend. However he has a huge project at work right now and has been stressed as well as moving soon (same city). So I looked past the distance and accepted his offer for dinner last Thursday. Dinner was fine but he seemed a little distant and aloof and apologized that he kept talking about work. We spent the night together and he said he would text me after work about possibly hanging out Friday night. I didn’t hear from him until noon Saturday when he said he passed out and has been sleeping. We barely talked all weekend and he didn’t reply to the text I sent him Sunday. Very unusual for him. So last night I sent him a playful text “hey are you avoiding me ;)” and he wrote right back apologizing and we exchanged two texts and now nothing. I’m not normally a needy girl and hate looking into things especially since things aren’t exclusive. But I also have noticed he’s been on his tinder profile more. How can I turn the tables on him and make him chase me again? Or is it too late and I should drop him like a hot potato?
Alexis
You can turn the tables by not saying anything and keeping busy :)
In my opinion, that was not a playful text. When guys send me texts like that. I roll my eyes, throw my phone on my dresser, and not answer them. I know you think you aren’t needy, but he might think that.
When he does contact you, just be aloof and act as if no time has passed at all.
Alexis
Just found this quote in one of my favorite books, “Why Men Love B****” by Sherry Argov. “Men don’t respond to words, they respond to no contact.”
talllady
Let me understand, he instead of seeing you on the weekend, he saw you during the week? Or do you normally see each other twice a week?
It sounds like he is busy – assume he is busy until he says the project is over… Let him focus on that. If the project ends or seems to ease up and this continues that is another thing….
Never send a text like that again. It is needy and pulling. If you are going to text, make sure it is something he looks forward to… Playful and joyous… silly.
We can’t tell you what is going on, but men are singular focused. So, assume he likes you… it will clear soon enough if the fade out is real or not.
Ivy
“On date 6 after about a month we hooked up”
Sorry but if hooked up = sex in your book, that is not taking it slow. Did you know if he wants a relationship? Did you say you’d expect exclusivity if you are hooking up? Did you know if he was seeing anyone? Maybe, maybe not, maybe you just had 5 good dates, some chemistry and said I’ll go with the flow and enjoy this night hooking up with him. And that is where the confusion lies, cause you had no idea how he thought or felt about you prior to sex and that would be ok if it didn’t matter to you and you were just having fun but you did care and 6 dates does not make a relationship.
“So last night I sent him a playful text “hey are you avoiding me ;)” ”
THat is a clear sign of needinessAnd he is on Tinder, why are you ok with hooking up with a man that is still actively pursuing dating, yet you expect him to act like a committed guy in a relationship with you?
90% of every woman who posts on this forum’s issue is that she had sex too soon with a man who she expected a relationship with but she never laid down her boundaries before having sex.
And you are right this guy is totally fading and anytime a woman tries to win a man, it ultimately fails cause it’s the man’s job to win the heart of the woman, so this is irreversible, sorry ===== you told him he could have sex with you and still date other women but on the inside you expect relationship behavior – he knows this now and he knows you accepted less than you want, live and learn, I see no way to reverse this that will work.
Your option now is to see if he contacts you and asks you out on a date, no house date, a real date —- then ask him what his thoughts are on being exclusive with you — at least then he’ll respect you but he probably won’t agree to it.
Chin up and go slower next time.
Oli
Ivy is very right, listen to her. I dated a guy for 6 weeks though, from tinder also. We did loads of different things every week, never slept with him. Last time I saw him I slept over but no sex and then he disappeared. He didn’t try to sleep with me but you never know with men…
Em
“Turning the tables” to “make” people do things = lots of work, minimal satisfaction.
This is a *bad* idea to entertain.
I’m not saying you should drop drop him.
I’m saying if you aren’t satisfied continue seeking better.
Likelier than not there *are* men motivated enough to seal a date with you. It’s just a matter of finding them.
talllady
We do not know what is happening…. But for sure I suggest you do not look at his tinder, it will not help and will make you anxious….
Just play it out and next time, do not sleep with someone until you are exclusive.
alia
Easiest way to “turn the tables” is to look inwards for answers. Do I like this guy? Do I like how he treats me? Why do I like him? What are his good and bad qualities?
Usually when you really do an inventory on a person, the answer is right there in front of you.
When someone fades on you, when you are nothing but decent human being, what does that mean? Does it mean you are a bad person or does it mean they just aren’t feeling it. Let them. Let them fade away. There’s no real point “keeping” them against their will and feelings. Would you want to be kept like that?
Stefanie
You don’t even get into this situation next time by not investing more than he has. Up to 90 days, anything can happen. It’s called dating for a reason. You keep cool and keep doing your life until he’s bent here and been consistent for longer than 90 days. At 90 days two things happen – the novelty wears off and no one can keep up an act past that, in my experience. You start seeing if it’s real at that point, no matter what they’ve been doing and saying. This site is full of women who had a man telling them he wanted to marry them etc and then vanished and left them heartbroken and wondering WTH. Don’t let this be you.
Stefanie
been there I meant
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