Hurting Badly

You still feel alone after 6 years with him, for a reason. He’s distant about further commitment! After 6 years, you need to ask HIM to move in, to weather bad times together, and he responds that he only wants to be friends?? You need to back up because he’s not going to fulfill you — you need to be there for yourself and to define yourself. He hasn’t stepped up after 6 years, and now he’s saying he will only be your friend and you’re wondering if giving him a day to sleep on it will change his mind. It’s hard when you make someone your absolute everything without being there for yourself because it leaves you without an identity and unfulfilled. I hope things work out for you in one way or another, but he’s kept you around completely on his terms and that’s not the kind love of and commitment that you deserve. He’s shown you what he can give for years now, and he’s not going to change.

Any man not fully committed to being engaged by 2years never is going to be. Men do what they want, he didn’t want to be moved in or he would have. This is on you and I don’t believe this should have blindsided you… unless you purposely were not paying attention

I think some perspective needs to take place — he is not your entire world. You are yuor own person.

That doesn’t mean you’re not in pain. I’m so sorry for that. He ended up disappointing you in a huge way. Most likely in a way that is not salvageable, which other people have mentioned why. So that means no waiting around for him — it means processing your pain, working through it with friends, counseling, journaling, whatever [healthy] process you do when you are upset and hurt. Some day it will be better but right now working through this is your first priority. Take care of and be gentle with yourself. Focus on your family — you mentioned your mother and your kids so I think they are important to you. They are also your support system. <3

Thank you Tammy and others for your comments. I did a foolish thing yesterday by trying to contact him. I sent short texts and called. He answered after 3 calls. He told me he did not want to see me and that the reason we could not be together under one roof was because of the children. I have 3 beautiful girls. One in university the other in grade 11 and grade 7. They are good kids. They resented him in the beginning because they believed he was the reason their father and I were no longer together. The girls have come along way in accepting him. We definitely have parented our children differently. He never really was a father who was with his children. They’ve grown without him, but maintain a relationship. 6 years is along time and a lot of memories have been created. It’s so difficult to believe this is the end,

How on earth did you get past a 6 months of dating without knowing his stance on kids and moving in together? Did you just never ask? Did you just guess? I honestly want to know.

You are correct there are pieces missing. When I met my guy after my separation we moved in together for 2 years, I left mainly because it was unhealthy for my children. He was black and white and I am very gray. We would butt heads constantly on discipline. I felt it best to move out on my own, but we still maintained our relationship, it was rocky, but we fought to be together. Me doing most of the fighting. As the years went by we became closer, understood one another and things progressed nicely. The girls grew to like him and vice versa so I thought. Attending sports for my daughter, driving my daughter to work, being silly with the youngest. Everything seemed perfect, 4 years later I made the suggestion (4) days ago, to be under one roof again. He seemed in agreement. I told him I felt alone. I wanted to wake up to him every morning. I should of kept my mouth shut and we would still be together. 😞

Despite knowing how he feels abt ur children, u still want to be wid him?

I get the feeling from yours words that your going to connect again and plead with him to get together again.. smh in disbelief. Get angry not regretful! Its not too much to ask what you did aftr 6 long years! He alwys knew you come wid the children! Why call someone so many times? 1/2 is quite enough.

I think you should give your self some time and distance away from him so that you can think clearly and take stock of the whole thing. And then decide.. right now i feel bec hes turned you down and broken up, your more focussed on the break up then the actual situation..

If your saying he was in agreement to move in 4 ddays ago and sudnly changed his mind, thn give him time and space. Pls stay silent and do not connect again. Its imp for your future with this man that he misses you just as much as you miss him and realises that your a mother first and you cant abandon your children! I think he may get in touch with you again if he really does miss you and loves you.

Be patient.

Hi Melanie

I’m sorry for the difficulties you’re going through. Life sure sucks sometimes. I know what it’s like to invest so much in someone, create a whole world with them and then have them leave you alone so seemingly abruptly and painfully to carry on without you. Especially when they’ve been such an integral part of your children’s lives.

As your posters above referred to, by his actions he led you one way, yet he was never really fully committed.

Of course I know you know this, it’s not easy though to get over him and what was there. And even though there were signs that this was never what you and your family deserve – you deserve true love, commitment, reliability, and safety for yourself and your daughters – he could never give you that.

I agree with your posters above, it’s going to take a bit of time yet, it’s fresh. Of course this is painful, and you’re going to feel the pain of each of those moments where you had to fight so hard for him to step up and stay in the relationship. I’m guessing the fighter in you probably wants to fight for him and fight to get back even the rocky relationship you had.

I’m wondering though if this guy is really what you should be fighting for? The people who get to play centre stage in your world need to have the strength to be there.

Does he have this?

Is it really better to be alone than with someone who needs so much hard bonecrushing heartbreaking work?

From everything you describe, it’s abundantly clear and obvious that you are an incredibly strong resilient woman who loves her daughters as her top priority. That’s why you moved out after the first 2 years, it was unhealthy for your daughters. You put them first. As every good and great mum should.

And it sounds like in the 4 years since, because there was a chance you invested and fought to maintain a relationship, and things looked like they were progressing, there was enough for you to try again – that being together under one roof might be better this time and not unhealthy for your daughters.

Unfortunately and painfully, he’s just told you and shown you why he still is, and always has been, unhealthy for your daughters.

Now he’s telling you that the reason he can’t be with you is because of your daughters.

What.
Melanie, take your pain and hurt and evolve it. It’s time to get mad Melanie.

The b*%#$¥€!!!!! 🤬😡😡

How dare he! How dare he imply that your daughters are the reason you’re not enjoying the love you deserve.

The only reason you don’t have the love you deserve from him, is because he doesn’t have it in him to give either you, or even the very good young girls in your family, the love and respect you all deserve.

Who he is, who he’s *choosing* to be, doesn’t warrant your kindness. Instead of love and affection or regard, he deserves your disappointment and anger and mistrust.

He’s not only broken the hearts of the vulnerable young hearts and minds that had come to trust him (and maybe even love him as a family member), but far far worse – he’s poisoning your mind by displacing his responsibility, and by cruelly and effectively saying that your daughters are the reason for your heart break. This is just plain wrong, stupid and incredibly selfish and destructive towards you and your daughters.

Your daughters are the reason there is light and love in your world. Even despite how hard it is being a single mum, your daughters are your world and together with them you enjoy a love that can only grow and deepen and bring you more joy and fulfilment over time.

It looks like, instead of contributing to this beauty in your life, he just never could garner enough strength to give you and your daughters what you all need. Consistency, reliability and devotion.

His ending things tells me that you were one million percent right to move out those four years ago. Living with him is unhealthy for your daughters, and even more than that, entertaining his half-hearted lacklustre approach to you and your daughters is unhealthy too.

It just wasn’t obvious these past 4 years that his presence in your life was still bad for your daughters, and because you worked so hard and fought so much, you mitigated much of the potential damage he brought.

Melanie I can’t help but think that you probably had to carry him in the relationship and in your family. He could only step up as much as he did, because you worked so hard to make up for all the places he lacked.

And because you can’t see your own incredible strengths and you maybe can’t see that they things you think aren’t perfect about you are actually way more than good (and perfect) enough, you temporarily excused his deficiencies.

The way I see it, he’s teaching your daughters that they’re not good enough for him to hang around.

Really? Is that what he really thinks?
That he’s worth more than them?

That the responsibility to protect and love and nurture the hearts and minds of your children is not the greatest and most important responsibility that anyone can ever be privileged enough to have?

Melanie, it was a great privilege that you bestowed on him – allowing him to be in their lives and be a part of their world. And he has NOT honoured it ultimately. It’s insulting to think that your daughters aren’t good enough for him to be in a relationship with you. How dare he say that to you. No matter what the challenges with children, you never ever give up on them or stop believing in them. That’s what it takes to be a parent and a stepfather and a responsible adult.

A truly good man, a man worth being with, a man worth allowing to be in the lives of your daughters, would work hard to win them over, and work with you and alongside you, and would be the adult and do whatever it takes to be the man in the family.

Melanie, you already have 3 children, how long can you look after another – 4th fully grown adult, with clear issues that jeopardise and fracture the peace in your family?

Whatever love and companionship he sometimes gave you, it is far outshadowed by how heavy his weight is on your family.

This is not your guy. It’s someone who takes the immense commitment, drive and belief you had in him, and gave you back mere handfuls of love in return, intermittently and at a safe distance for himself. He enjoyed the perks and closeness and fulfilment that family life bring, but only as much as it suited him and without giving what it takes to build that family life and bond.

I’m not saying he does this on purpose, he may even be a victim unto himself. It just feels like this man has so many issues, over and above anything that you’re dealing with alone , that overall it’s just dragging you and your daughters down more than anything. Even in ways you can’t see yet.

I think one of the things that concerns me the most is that as long as he’s in your life, your daughters are being taught that they should settle for so little. That when they grow up, they can expect a man to never love them or commit to them in a way they deserve, that it’s normal for someone to consistently meet them less than half way.

He’s teaching them that, through how he treats you, and how he showed up as the man in your old life. And by default how he showed up for them effectively in a step-dad role.

I say 🤬 to that.

Being alone and having your dignity, is far better than being insulted on such a core level. How on earth, after everything you’ve all been through, can he not treat you and your girls with true love and respect?

Let him go his merry way. You deserve so much more. Your daughters deserve so much more. Your eldest will be entering into her own romantic relationships soon if she isn’t already. It would be awful if she even partially believed that a half-hearted suitor is normal or worth fighting for.

She deserves someone who knows what he’s got when he had her, and will fight to prove his love and commitment to her. Not the other way around.

Show her this Melanie. Show her this by modelling this yourself. Finish what you started 4 years ago when you moved out because a relationship with this man is unhealthy for your daughters.

I say, keep putting your daughters first. This is who you are and the best part of you. When you prioritise true love in this way, you create a world where love comes to live and thrive and flourish naturally.

Fight for yourself and your daughters as a strong incredible force of love and unity in this world. Fight for real love, by putting your pure love for your daughters first.

When you do, you’ll radiate and attract such pure love into your lives.

If this guy has anything about him, he’ll step up and show up as worthy without you having to carry him.

Otherwise tell him to move aside, so real love can enter your lives.

You deserve more. Your daughters deserve more.

Glad you controlled your impulse to connect.. and its great that your seeking out therapy to help you deal with this breakup… I think we are always aware of the red flags but we just tend to brush them under the carpet. I think deep down you knew that this relationship has no future especially when you guys started living separately after staying together. You can either beat yourself up or decide to put this behind and move on. you have already given so much of your time to this relationship, seriously try to move on and let go. just think that this didn’t work out. relationships break all the time. but in future just be clear in your head and with your partner about your expectations from the relationship to avoid confusion and heart break. ALl the best

Honey, gonna tell you straight up: he is not putting you through hell, you are. And you abandon yourself every time you reach out to him.

He is not abusing you. He is not sneaky – he is your Ex and he is not a friend. You chose him. You stayed for six years when he could not give you what you want. You stay in touch. You cyber stalk him and stalk him at home with gifts he never asked for. He does not want your love, he knows he is loved by you and he chooses to not take it.

You will stay in this mess until you take ownership of your part.