Hurt?why?

You need to get rid. He is an emotional and violent mess! Do not consider moving in with this man! Do you want to subject your daughter to such a mess of a man? No. He isn’t a healthy person. Focus on your recovery x

Kitty, I’m so sorry, it must be hard to deal with a medical condition like this.

I strongly disagree with your statement that he’s a “great support” – he’s abusive actually.

My read on it is, he can’t handle the medical issues, feels the responsibility of caring for you is too heavy for him to bear and he feels extremely guilty about that, but truthfully he wants out so he’s behaving badly to make you do the dirty work of breaking up with him.

In fairness, you had just been diagnosed when you two met and a difficult medical condition is a lot to ask someone to take on in a new relationship.

Whatever you do, don’t move in with him. Please.

You’re right, it’s unlikely you’ll see him this time on his days off.

I know you’re not going to want to hear this, but you do need to break it off and stop tolerating his abuse, which will continue and escalate if you let it continue like this. You’ve now trained him whatever he does is OK, you will take any treatment from him just to hang on to him.

Send him an email telling him you’ve been thinking about the past 10 months and you’ve decided it’s time to part ways, with no hard feelings. If he has things to pick up, then ask him to set a time to come and make sure someone else is there to ensure it goes quickly and smoothly.

Before you send this email, have the locks changed. You’re going to have to take a hard line here. It’s possible he will feel bad and cry and beg you not to end it, he’ll be better, but I guarantee the bad behavior will creep back in, fast. You have to love yourself enough to stop letting him abuse you because you don’t want to be without a boyfriend.

Again, I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a difficult medical situation. You can do without this kind of stress, it can’t be good for your healing to have someone behaving nicely sometimes and very badly at others.

It’s only been since the week before Christmas that everything went strange with him. Before that our 18 month relationship has been wonderful. Yes I was without a know medical condition for the first 8 months of that. It’s only been since the second last week of January that I had to have emergency surgery. The surgery should fix the problem but I will have to go through at least a year of rehab plus a second surgery to fix the problem and have my life return to close to normal again. So I really don’t know why he’s doing all this. It’s been so sudden. Prior everything was perfect. I don’t understand the change and yes the violent behaviour in smashing up my house. And why when I need him the most he’s not here..

Angiebaby and Raven are right. He can’t handle showing up when everything isn’t “perfect” or easy. This is what dating is all about: finding out if the person you are with is consistent and can stick with you “for better or worse.” Relationships that are entirely reliant on everything always working well in good times don’t actually work. There’s no foundation of trust or security if someone panics, acts out, and isn’t there for you when things get difficult. Life will always be challenging, but it took until you got sick to see how he behaves when he faces difficult times. It’s very unfortunate, but there are partners who won’t be mean to you just because you’re sick. What kind of man takes feeling powerless about your health issues out on YOU??!?!! He’s trying to be awful to you so he doesn’t need to feel guilty about outright leaving you when you need him most, but it will be awful for you to have him “around” in the title of boyfriend but you being completely alone within your relationship. Don’t move in with someone with ANY abusive tendencies. End this now before he escalates the abuse.

on his part not his pair

Kitty, I’m sorry…

I also think there is another woman in the shadows…

Please don’t blame yourself for being too needy in this situation. No matter how you acted (which frankly was probably fine, if you deal with him being gone for work half the time and are okay with that arrangement then I imagine you are independent enough), his responses are completely immature and inappropriate. I think this has far more to do with him than you, and having a history of depression and someone even leaving him for it in the past fits into that. I think he has his own problems he doesn’t know how to deal with. If someone can’t even show up for themselves (and he can’t based on how he’s treating you instead of having adult and mature conversations), then you certainly can’t expect them to show up for you. I stand by my comment that the first 8 months you just didn’t see how he responds to adversity and challenges and obstacles, and he was actually always this way. I bet these are his typical patterns.

Hugs Kitty… you did nothing wrong. No one could possibly do anything to deserve the way he’s treating you. He’s obviously got major issues. It would seem he can’t process his feelings or communicate appropriately.

You may never know why he’s doing what he’s doing. He may not even understand it. The bottom line is the way he’s treating you is unacceptable and it’s gone too far. It’s not just one blip, it’s now a pattern. And the pattern screams he doesn’t want to be in this relationship any longer.

I know it’s human nature to want to understand, get all the facts, analyze, get closure, etc. but in cases like this it’s better to walk away and don’t look back and conserve your time and energy for people and endeavors more worthy. It’s very important you take care of you right now. Stress inhibits healing.

Yeah I agree with everyone and I have know that since the first time he acted up at Christmas. The events that have occurred in my life since the with the emergency spinal surgery, and the eminent looming of a second surgery to re-stabilise my back, has left me in a situation I am unable to look after myself for a period of time. My sister has taken over my life. She has basically isolated me from everything and everyone. I get to see my daughter, that’s a bonus, but I literally can’t do anything else anymore. I don’t have the means anymore. I feel locked up,
My sister has packed up my house, and she’s shipping me down to stay with my mum, on the other side of the country. I am scared, lonely and have no one now. I relayed so much on the simple conversation he gave me. Up until two weeks ago I had control and was able now I feel as if I have lost everything. This probably isn’t the space to say this. But it’s hard to go from a completely able person with a partner to what I am today. I knew this was going to happen and I know it’s short term until I finish the final surgery and rehab. But losing everything including my own autonomy and partner in a since Christmas, well Boxing Day has been really hard.
Trying the cheer myself up, bought myself a ridiculously expensive bed, and bedding lol, a king double, adjustable split remote control with inbuilt massage zones and zero gravity settings lol. Choosing it and all the new bedding accessories has kept my mind of things. A big bit too extravagant and well above what my budget allows lol. But takes my mind off things.

i think you could luk at this situation another way. how many siblings and how many old parents are there when you need them? your soo lucky! you have your sister and your mother both ready to luk after you when you need them. and your going down the negative spiral instead of feeling fortunate that atleast you have your family with you when you need them the most. the break will do you gud. my suggestion is that you tell this guy your off for your recovery and that you have no idea when things will normalise. so its not fair that you should tie him up in such uncertainty. wish him luck and break off all contact. focus only on your recovery and positive things. that will help you heal faster. all the best and hope you recover soon kitty