Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Husband Acting Distant/Quiet – Says It's Not Me
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Alice F.
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Alaina
So, I normally don’t post my personal relationship business online, but I’m a little confused and could really use some advice. My husband is very outgoing, funny, and caring – always laughing about something (which I love). Anyhow, all of a sudden as of yesterday I noticed he’s being really quiet, distant, and even apathetic which is nothing like him. Yesterday before we went to bed I asked him if anything was wrong because he was being very quiet. He responded by saying he had “nothing to talk about.” Then this afternoon I asked him again what was going on as he’s acting very distant and quiet. First he said he was going through some things that he was trying to sort out and didn’t want to talk about it until things were resolved. I then straight-up asked him if it was something I had done; he said no, it wasn’t anything I did. I went on to tell him that by him being quiet and distant toward me certainly made me feel like I was the object of his disdain. He then went on to tell me the reason he was acting this way. He said he felt under appreciated and under valued. I proceeded to ask who made him feel this way – work, family, etc… He said “everyone.” And I can understand how he feels this way as my husband is very responsible and level-headed. His family always goes to him when they are in a jam, and some have really taken advantage of his kindness. So, I then asked again if I was making him feel this way and he said “no.” He also said that he didn’t want to tell me what was going on with him for this very reason (that I would think I was the problem). Here’s what bugs me: our nephew just came over and my husband is acting like his old, jovial self again. He said I wasn’t the problem, but yet he’s treating me differently, but being himself with others. I honestly think he’s not telling me something…I feel like I’m causing his different behavior.
Thoughts? Am I being over-analytical?
Thanks!
Harley
YES.. RELAX. he needs to go into his “mancave” and BE BY HIMSELF. STOP asking “what’s wrong ” . he’s laughing with family.. BECAUSE HE CAN RELAX.. he needs this. Don’t take it personal. when he works through stuff in his own head , he will snap back to you !.
Be kind, loving, patient. JUST BE THERE !
Talllady
Get over yourself. You are being really selfish. I get that you think it is about you, and it good you asked, but once he said it was not, then let it go.
Why? Because even if it is about you, which is unlikely because you cannot control other people, you are making it about you. And you are reacting from a place of fear, which never helps.
It is good to be supportive and check in… But there is a huge difference between, hey you want to talk about this and tell me I am ok. Which is what you are bordering on doing.
It makes him feel unsafe to talk about things when you personalize it. He told you that flat out. Listen to him.
Why is he quiet with you if it is not about you? Because he can be, that is safe, but not talking about it. You have made that unsafe for him.
He is treating his cousin different because he does not want to worry him. Or he can really relax.
I really think you need to learn how to not be so self involved so he can feel more open.
Lane
Hi Alaina.
Men solve their problems differently than we do and need SPACE to work it out in their head. We on the other hand need to TALK it out, but men DON’T so when he tells you he doesn’t want to talk about it then you need to respect his wishes and give him some time to sort it out on his own.
Additionally, when a man says its NOT YOU, then believe him! Usually its 90% work related when men go into their cave to work our an issue/problem, but sometimes its something else, like family or a home project (plumbing leak) and until they solve it they can’t focus on other things, like you.
By continually pestering him it will give him a reason to become perturbed with you and pull back even more to get away from the additional source of irritation. A man needs to feel safe when he pulls back, and by giving him the GIFT OF SPACE to work out whatever’s going on will allow him to solve it and SPRING BACK faster. I suggest you read up on the “rubber band theory” as its innate solving process men go through from time-to-time and if you can start learning the signs and accept the CUES he gives, such as “I don’t want to talk about it right now” then he will be very appreciative and make it up to you when he springs back.
Sherri
I have another take on this. His laughing with his family is an act he is putting on because he doesn’t feel safe enough in their company to show them he is upset. He feels safe enough in your company to show this. He has already told you that it is not over you so stop badgering him about it again and again and adding to his stress. Give him space and let him figure it out. If he asks you for help then help but don’t expect him to talk to you about it. Men don’t “talk” … women do.
I am the same way. If I am stressed or upset about something, I try to be my usual self with people I don’t want to show my feelings for. With people I am comfortable with I do show that I am upset or stressed by being withdrawn till I have figured out a way to fix it.
Sherri
It helps that I don’t have to put on an “act” with someone I trust.
Lady T
It doesn’t sound like he’s being particularly mean to you or anything. It sounds like there’s something bothering him and it has put him in an off mood. You shouldn’t take it personally. Believe him when he tells you that it’s nothing you’ve done. The most jovial people get stressed or just plain funky and sometimes it’s ways more noticeable because they aren’t “up” like they always are. He’s entitled to his crappy mood. He’s acknowledged there’s something wrong and assured you that it’s nothing you’ve done. I’m sure he’s not trying to punish you. He might need to simply sit in his funk until he clears it all up. Give him lots of space to do that and don’t end up punishing him for not being in a good mood.
And as far as him being upbeat around his nephew, he might be saving face from having to answer to his nephew about what’s bothering him. Most likely something he doesn’t want to share with him but he feels comfortable enough to share with you alone.
Alaina
Thank you everyone for your points of view and advice. Everything is now resolved and back to normal.
Thanks again!
Alice F
The response telling her to backoff is rude and defensive. Clearly you lack the ability to empathize with someone who wants to truly know their spouse. And it is her right to ask and have a truthful response. She seeks safety and comfort. That isn’t unreasonable or anything to berate her for.
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