Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › I am so confused. Please help.
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 3 years, 4 months ago by
Lane.
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Twinkie
I met this man about 2 years ago. We have a great connection and can talk about anything no matter how difficult the topic is. Even in arguments which we rarely have, we are both level headed and hear each other out. We love being together in person and have a really nice time.
We live in different countries in Europe and due to the pandemic, we haven’t been able to meet for more than a year. Last year we talked about the fact that we needed to be in the same country to be in a relationship and he agreed to move to mine. Due to the pandemic, that couldn’t happen as he lost the job offer cos it was canceled. We talk almost everyday and we kept talking about meeting again. He gave three different dates this year but again, the lockdown was still in place. So he couldn’t make it. I cannot visit him as i need a visa to go to his country (UK) and so that’s why the plans always made sense that he should come to mine as he is a dual citizen.
However, the lockdown has been lifted with PCR tests and possibly quarantine that need to be taken. he promised to show up in August but then got a really good job offer that he discussed with me and i agreed that it wasn’t wise to pass it up. He works as a contractor. He then promised to come over for a weekend. Since he kept mute about which weekend he was coming, i told him that he needed to give a date and i was tired of waiting for us to meet again in person. We act like we are in a relationship but we aren’t.
I need to be with him in person (not sex) to see if our connection is indeed real and we can define what we are doing. He agrees with this too.
About coming to visit, he replied that he is always tired, needs to rest and now wants us to spend Christmas together instead of coming for a weekend like he promised. I got upset and said that i would end whatever this was cos that was just unacceptable to me. I thought he would be eager to come to my country since he talked nonstop about this. Yesterday, he proceeded to tell me that he really wants to meet with me but he is afraid that i won’t be able to get over his job as he doesn’t have an office job and i work in a well known multinational company. This was a topic that came up when we were discussing careers and life plans over a year ago and i had voiced my concerns about his job. We talked this one out so shouldn’t be an issue. Secondly, he said it would hurt him but i was free to date other people and if i am still single when he comes during Christmas, he would love to meet and see if the in-person connection is still there.
I honestly believe that if a guy tells you to date other people, he can’t be possibly serious about you or wanting to see if there is indeed something with us (in our case). He insists that he is and says he still wants to talk to me everyday cos i am the highlight of his day. He sends jokes, pictures of anything that reminds him of me, recorded music of him singing to songs he knows i like or learning dance moves i showed him, and tends to call regularly to ask me about my day and I ask about his. He still called and texted today to find out how i’m doing.
What do you think of all this. I am so confused and wondering if i was being hard on him but also wondering if i should get back on dating apps. Also, should i reduce communication with him? I’m totally lost here.
We both had that talk and although we care for each other, we are def not at the point of being crazily in love even though he had asked if i would move to his country instead. Oh BTW, he claimed that this question was a joke. We are same age and both in our late 30s.
AngieBaby
“We act like we’re in a relationship but we aren’t.”
This is a fantasy, it isn’t real. He’s politely told you to move on in more ways than one, yet he wants to keep you tethered to him. You can’t allow this, it isn’t in your best interest. This isn’t going to be easy, but it’s time to cut it off. Otherwise you won’t be fully available to meet other men who are local. The likelihood that this situation would work out is pretty low. It would mean one of you moving country and you don’t know each other well enough for that. And it sounds like you’re in a professional career and he’s not and you’re not wild about that. Plus this pandemic isn’t over. Too many obstacles. In your late 30s… it’s time to stop joyriding with men like this and find someone who is real partner or husband material. My two cents.
Raven
Sorry, sounds like a slow fade… But with reason, you can’t see each other.
What prevents you from getting a VISA?
mama
The only reason you are “confused” is because you see the writing on the wall and you don’t want to accept it. He keeps throwing up roadblocks to avoid seeing you, and now he’s telling you to date others. That’s not someone moving towards a relationship; it’s actually someone running away.
Listen to your gut. You said you wanted to end it for some very valid reasons so now it’s time for you to listen to your instincts.
Sorry dear friend.
Maddie
In your late 30s, you do unfortunately have to sometimes ask yourself why someone is single. Sometimes it’s just good timing and you’re both simply available and connect, but sometimes they are single for a reason. While the pandemic has put a big wrench into a lot of plans, now that there’s opportunity to get together, he’s coming up with even more obstacles and excuses. I got into a long-distance relationship early in the pandemic, and we both did everything we could to cut down on the distance and see each other as soon as we were able. I knew my boyfriend was quite serious because all his words and actions aligned, it wasn’t just a fantasy break from rough times. “I’m too tired” and “I’m going to reach way back and dredge up how insecure I feel about my job even though we’d resolved it a long time ago” sounds like he has bad follow-through. Which may be why he’s still single. It just took you longer to find out because of the distance coupled with all the external factors that legitimately kept you apart.
If he’s not stepping up at this point now that you had a window where you could see each other, I’d focus on trying to meet new prospects in my geographic area. In your late 30s, after two years, you should know what you want. I don’t like that he said he’d feel badly about it but you should date other people, that strikes me as manipulative to keep you on the hook waiting for him. He needs to step up or give you emotional space to connect with someone new, not offer but also guilt trip you because he doesn’t want to lose out on talking to you. He may also just prefer to have a connection with someone but not be too close or fully committed, which is not the kind of relationship it sounds like you’re looking for. And you deserve to find a relationship that meets your needs.
Liz Lemon
“He sends jokes, pictures of anything that reminds him of me, recorded music of him singing to songs he knows i like or learning dance moves i showed him, and tends to call regularly to ask me about my day and I ask about his.”
It sounds like he’s comfortable having you as a fantasy/virtual girlfriend, but doesn’t want to make it reality. I was in a similar situation with a guy in another country when I was younger. He was constantly in contact with me, was very verbally effusive, hardly a day went by when he didn’t reach out– but when it came time to make the relationship a reality (similar to you, I began talking about ways for us to be together in person)– he balked. He always had an excuse. He was genuinely attached to me and was crushed when I finally ended it and began dating someone else (in real life, lol). I mean, he was truly hurt. But it was ridiculous of him to expect me to spend my life glued to a phone talking/messaging with him instead of seeking an in-person relationship. His feelings were real, but not real enough to be real life– all he wanted was the fantasy.
So I believe it when this guy says he’ll be hurt if you date others. But that isn’t your problem. You have already received really wise commentary from the other posters here. Don’t let this guy manipulate you into staying in limbo with him. If he wanted to make things happen between you two, he’d be seeking solutions, not making excuses and pushing things off.
AngieBaby
Great advice from everyone.
I’m guessing you can’t get a visa from your country to the UK because of COVID?
I’d just like to add – this guy is going to be upset when you tell him you want to end this. I agree with Liz, it feels very manipulative that he told you to date others and he’d see you at Christmas if you’re still free. So when you say I’m sorry, I’m out and I don’t want to talk further, you will get begging, pleading, promises of anything, and at some point anger and maybe threats when you don’t fall for it. He will not go quietly, of that I”m 99% certain. You have to be prepared for this, and you have to make a firm decision not get sucked in no matter what he says or does. You will have to block him everywhere.
It’s going to be hard on you for a while because you’re used to him – it’s been 2 years. But that’s been more than enough time to see if this was going anywhere. You have to start prioritizing yourself and what you want in your life, not being a long distance fantasy friend for him.
Twinkie
Thanks everyone for your replies!!!
I cant get a visa to visit in the UK because non-essential travel was banned and even if i did get to travel, i would need to quarantine alone there for a few days. In my country, just having a negative covid test taken on arrival releases you from the quarantine rule.
So i decided to move on and just treat him as a friend. If something happens in future, fine but i’m not waiting around for that. I am not sure i need to tell him all that either. I’ll date like he suggested but won’t tell him. Does that sound alright?
I will be available when i can be and if not, too bad.
I signed up on a dating site and have been talking to some promising men. I don’t have much hope from the sites as I don’t think most of the men there are serious about anything long term but at least i’ve got to try.
Ewa
I live in UK and you don’t need to have VISA to visit, you do need one to work , but if you just want to visit him I believe you can stay for up to 6 months with no visa :) same goes for other countries in Europe , unless you are from a country outside of European union then yes you will need one but it should be quite easy to get though.
Twinkie
Hi Ewa, i actually need a visa to visit UK for even tourism purposes. Sadly not all countries in Europe can visit the UK without a visa. I’m not from the EU or any country that has an agreement for visiting without a visa so i apply anything i have to go after my visa expires.
Lane
Why can’t you travel to him if you are so desperate to meet him? He just started a new job and if you live a good distance then I don’t blame him if you have a passport you can travel to the UK as a “standard visitor.” You don’t need to be a citizen to travel to other countries.
If you are from a country that the UK is barring from standard travel entry, then meet in another, such as France or one he can get to easily (such as through the Chunnel) so to get the meet and greet done. Although two days means diddly—you need many MONTHS (six or more) of in-person contact to really know if you have a real life connection.
Honestly, I believe you are both wasting your time going nowhere, however its ultimately up to you (or him) to decide how long you want to keep this onlineship going. Just know the proper formula to apply to men is WORDS + ACTION = TRUTH. If he says or talks about it but doesn’t ACT on it, then he’s blowing hot air (empty words). Something to ponder.
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