I am the toxic one

Dear Readers,

I have come to seek some advice and also to vent. I just discovered that I may have a little poison in me.

Lately a lot of things hasn’t been working out for me, in my romantic life mostly and social. I’ve never seen myself as a toxic person because I remember how my personality was, how happy I was and how understanding and humble I carried myself. My parents had always set good examples for me as well and we have a strong family bond/unit. I had many friends who trusted me and included me into their lives a lot. I had always felt appreciated and accepted. My life was great and I was so confident in myself.

It all went sideways in 2015 when I met my ex boyfriend. Things started out rosy but about 6 months into our relationship he started to boss me around, accusing me of horrible things, going through my phone picking at anything in it to start a fight, he was abusive physically and emotionally. He isolated me from all my friends. I would break up only for him to manipulate me into accepting him back with gifts and promises, he even went to see a therapist to make me believe he changed and this went on for four years. He badmouthed me to everyone we knew upon our last break up in December 2018. I had to get a restraining order against him so he would leave me alone for good. It was a whole court case.

Now that I’m thinking back on that experience, I remember how I had to become manipulative too, and had to lie a lot just so I could breathe in that relationship. When it ended, I took 10 months on my own to get myself together and I wasn’t looking for any relationship or to fall in love, but I couldn’t help it when in October 2019 I reconnected with a man I had known from before I was in a relationship with my ex. My regret now is I think all these things that I had to do in the past had stuck with me. In my mind I wanted something completely different and I wanted it to be true and real and someone who isn’t controlling. Once we started seeing eachother I experienced what seemed like mixed signals from him, I remember posting about it here on the forum too. Today I have found out all the reasons for it and it was because he was seeing other women in the beginning. At the time I did not know that, so upon receiving these mixed signals I pulled back and talked to other guys even though I wasn’t interested. One day he questioned me and I panicked and I lied to him saying I wasn’t talking to anyone else. It was obvious that I was lying and that was the first mistake where he lost trust in me. He said he didn’t want to see me again and I ended up almost begging for him to give me another chance and he did after 3 days no contact. Our relationship was good but it wasn’t 100% the same and I accepted that that was my fault and since then I have felt that he doesn’t see me as the person I really am as he can’t seem to trust me the way he wanted to and I believe this prevented us to be close. Every now and then we would clash on tiny things that make us feel like we aren’t compatible but then again there are many things we connect on together. We had some bitsy fights as all couples do but ours was repetitive a lot. I felt like he wanted things his way and wants to be right all the time and he saw me as defensive or competing against him for no reason. He said I want to win every argument and I felt like I have to always take blame each time and found myself always apologising. And that reminded me of my previous relationship, it felt like I had to put my gaurd up again. He wasn’t hitting me but emotionally I felt like he was playing with me and I had swore to myself to never let anyone make me feel like so again. I am now realising that that may have just be in my head.

Fast forward to three years later (present day) we have a 3 month old son together and our relationship is really detoriating as we aren’t connecting anymore. It feels like I keep making mistakes and it’s like we are roommates than lovers. I moved in with him upon my sons’ birth and at first things flowed but now instead of feeling like we know eachother, its like we have no idea who eachother is and he has lost all hopes. He says he can’t even be intimate with me because my attitude pushes him away. Our son is basically the main thing preventing a final break up right now because we both don’t want him to live separately from us. We had a semi fight again this evening, because he made a joke that to me seemed like he was name calling me (just like my ex did) and he told me some hard things after he saw my reaction. He said I’m turning his love for me into hate and I remember telling that to my ex. And for the first time I’ve been accepting the fact that I may be damage and have become toxic myself.

I feel like the impression he has of me isn’t who I truly am but I must admit that that’s what I’ve shown him for 3 years. I feel like its late for us but then not too far gone yet as he still hasn’t 100% gave up but he is definitely on the way there. Sometimes I would blame him though for not trying to understand my past (he knows of it) as someone that loves me I expected him to be there to understand why and to be cautious about words or actions that will be detrimental to me. But he has told me he isn’t my ex and I have to deal with my issues alone. Was he right?

I know seeing a therapist is what everyone would advise but before I resort to the obvious, it will take some time to find the right therapist anyway, does anyone know how to slowly start dealing with issues such as mine. What do I do when these trauma clouds my judgment?  I want to do this for my son because not only does he deserve both his parents together, he also need a healthy upbringing and I dont want to pour my trauma into him. Where do I start? What do I tell my boyfriend? Do i even tell him about the epiphany I had? He’s going to naturally be skeptical if I do and it’s hard for me to show a difference when he doesn’t encourage. Can I do it silently? How do I bring us closer and change his mind about me for the better?

I have posted as OP before in this forum and have given othets some sound advice, it’s ironic that I don’t know what to advise my own self. Thank you for reading all the way through.z