Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › I can't go through this ever again
- This topic has 98 replies and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by
Lane.
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good dancer
If i ever hear from the guy in my situation again, i will be playing out the same techniques she used to the letter. Its artful, the way she handled it
Jennifer
Very sorry you’ve had this experience. Like several of the women on here already said, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I have been single for six years as well, soon to be 33 years old. I am very stressed about being alone forever. I’m trying to make the best of it if that’s the hand I’ve been dealt. I certainly hope there will be someone for me…hopefully sooner rather than later.
I wish I had some magical advice that would make everything better for you, but I don’t. Keep your head up and make your life happy — only you have the power to do that. xoxo
Sassperilla
Jennifer what I would say to you is don’t waste these years! If I could go back to 30-35 I would have enjoyed it more and despaired less!! You’re still super young. After 35 there is a palpable change both in yourself physically and in the way people (men) think of you and treat you. So get out there and go crazy with your 33 year old self!! X
R
I <3 you Sass. You got this!
Newbie
Hi sas,
I’m also sorry if i offended you in the Polly post. As far as i can tell, he hit the 3 month mark and was deciding to go for it or not. And he is maybe still on the fence about it. I would do (or try to) what one of the regulars posted: treat him as the applicant if you are tempted to talk to him.Or enjoy being single again and try to figure out what you want.
Well meeting him on Sunday he’ll probably have changed his mind again by then.
Ac
hi sass, i feel like you wrote exactly what’s on my mind and what I have been going through. I’m 35 now and single. It’s not that I’m not happy by myself, it’s just that the relationship aspect of my life makes me unhappy. There’s a big difference. People keep saying you should be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone or something to that effect and it bothers me when they say that because I know I can survive by myself but having a partner and especially becoming a mom is something I really want so not being able to achieve that makes me unhappy.
Being 35 also gives you the added bio clock that’s ticking…actually alarming away! Which sucks.
I too don’t have an advice for you just would like to let you know you are not alone, like how your post made me feel like i’m not the only one going through this.
Tara
Sass,
Reading your story brings to mind a recent short-term dating experience I had.
We hit if off wonderfully from date 1. He texted me “Good Morning” every day, without fail. He texted me throughout the days, made plans to see me twice a week, brought me to meet some of his friends.
But, even with all that, I just felt something was off. I felt nothing was moving forward; rather, it was stagnating. I knew it was very early on, but I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling, so I ended it.
Of course then, I started having second thoughts — did I blow it?
I texted him and basically asked if he had been playing me, or did I blow it. Of course, his initial response was, no, he was not playing me.
Over the course of the next few months, we continued texting every now and then. He always indicated he wanted to see me again, but never firmed up any plans.
Eventually, he admitted he was only into casual relationships at this point in his life, because he’s not sure if he’s moving back to his home state.
I felt so good that I had been right, and not just overly paranoid and needy.
I notice you said you deliberated over whether to invite him to your brother’s birthday and everyone said to do it. Red flag right there. What was to deliberate? Something was nagging at you, something was off, and you sensed it. You asked your friends what to do because you weren’t connected enough with him.
Consider this a bullet dodged sooner rather than later. It’s only been a few months, imagine if he wasted a year or two of your life?
You will be over this. It is better to keep people in your life that are good for you; perhaps this guy was a bomb whose timer had been set from day one, just like mine was.
BTW, at the end of day, with the guy I was talking about, I feel so proud of myself and happy I saw that bullet coming and got out of the way.
Emily
Hi Sassperilla,
I have been following your story and I remember you have been anxious for some time about not making it through the 4 month mark.
Some advice here was really good, and one thing that stands out is that you do not talk about your feelings towards this guy. Is he the one in your opinion, or just good enough? i am sure this is what you are trying to figure out now.
It is just me but I think I would like to know why he wants to meet? He is really messing with your emotions, and it must be very confusing. I think I would want to know the purpose of the meeting before I agreed to meet.
Good luck to you, stay strong.
Reader
IMO, you better don’t do silent treatment. Tell him if you re free on sunday for a meeting and listen what he has to said carefully.
Dress beautiful and sexy, confident and don’t get emotive/upset/sad feeling you are the most amazing woman in this world and nothing can break you down.
If he said he changed his mind, ask him why. Don’t be afraid and go deeper to know his real motives. Act like if the past is forgotten and focus on the ‘right now’ : what he gonna do to show you that things are different now. Keep calm and see how it goes between you.
If he didn’t change his mind, don’t get emotive/upset/sad. Show him you are the most amazing woman in this world. Nothing can break you down and you’re gonna be okay.
And as others said, BE POSITIVE AND WISH you YOURSELF HAPPINESS AND LOVE. Every morning, decide to give yourself love.
Good luck !
kimf
Sass..the fact that you’re concerned whether he’s going to change his mind by Sunday or not, the worrying what he has to say…that is the codependent behavior we’ve been talking about. Please try to see it. if there was NO codependency at all, you would be fine and unaffected no matter what happens Sunday because you know you are fine no matter what and whatever happens is just what is supposed to happen. If you adopt this mindset, it is soooo freeing.
Whatever will be…will be.
Sherri
Sass – I was dating this guy last year and he broke up with me over text around the 3 month mark. I was actually really busy around that time and so did not really have time to think and analyse much about him. What I did do though is look objectively at him and me and if we really were compatible with each other. I realised that while I was ok dating him then, I did not really see him as a till death do us part kind of guy. He was not my Mr. Right rather my Mr. Right Now. Once I realised how different we were and how this wouldn’t have even worked in the long run (he was a great guy just not for me), I kind of got over him really fast.
After 3 weeks he contacted me telling me that he made a HUGE MISTAKE and if we could try again. I told him all the reasons why we were not compatible with each other and that there was no point in trying to “make it work”. He was definitely disappointed.
But the main thing here is I did not blame him for dumping me. I looked at everything objectively. I did not not want to try again as a revenge or due to fear. I did not want to try again as I did not really see us compatible. If I thought we were compatible, I would have definitely dated him again. I thanked him actually for the 3 weeks space that he gave me as it helped me get rid of all the oxy in my system and look at our “relationship” objectively.
I will never regret dating this guy as he was a guy I needed then. If I had to do it all over again, I think I would still date him for those 3 months. He opened my mind and heart to new perspectives which I had never looked at. He was not a “jerk” for dumping me but rather I truly wish him the best in his life.
alia
I don’t think you should see him at all. Do not see him and let this man go. All this anxiety about having a husband and babies will turn them all off. You need to let all of that go. I know it is hard, but whatever happens, happens. You can have a baby on your own or you can adopt. You have options. You have a beautiful life. Embrace it, love it, be grateful, let the negativity and resentment go. I know you don’t like the word codependent, well use any other word to your liking (loss of self), but you simply can not put the kind of pressure on yourself and give your power away to the idea of a relationship. These guys are sensing it and they feel a disconnect, you really aren’t being yourself.
If you do go see him. I think it will go something like this. He felt there was a disconnect. And I think you don’t get to know these guys and I think you are in a denial of what you actually know about them and what you feel about them, and what you think about them.
And I think you are a lovely lady, and everything you are saying is true, you have a good life, you are independent, you have good values, your a nice looking lady. But you are screwing up with guys. You are giving them your power, and in that process you are losing yourself, and you become someone else that you think they want. I think you are almost better off telling them as it is. I think when you were pissed off, you should have just told him. Tell him how you feel. You are not breezy. Not at all, and so be it. Tell them.
And for the ladies over 35. It’s never not too late to let go of resentment and expectations. When we work on that, let all of the crap go and then walk down the street, it will be in your face, it will glow and anyone would be crazy to not ask you out.
It happened to me yesterday, I had finally in essence forgiven myself and others, men, parents, what have you, and I let it all go, and I wasn’t even thinking about it, and literally a decent looking man walked up to me and started talking. Well this never happened when I was a 20 year old…no matter how long and beautiful my hair was and how youthful I looked. So I finally got it. It’s all a practice, and then one day it will become a habit, and you won’t have to think of it.
Amen Alia! That’s exactly it ;)
Addendum:
The men that we are talking about the ones, who want to provide for a family and have children and be husbands, not every man wants that. We need to understand that and we need to ask them questions very early on. If we can sleep with them, we can ask them questions. That’s the new rule.
I like how you used “loss of self”. its much more fitting.
I have to defend Sass regarding KimF’s (and some previous people’s) comments about Sass’ behaviour being co-dependent – e.g Sass’ comment about him probably having changed his mind by Sunday.
I can tell you that this is not co-dependent behaviour – this is merely modest / self-deprecating/ self-effacing words she has used which is typical of the culture she lives in. It doesn’t mean she has issues or needs to see a counsellor! She’s actually making light of the fact that her guy has done her wrong! Culture barriers definitely exist on this site causing misunderstanding.
That is all :)
nooooooo…its the fact that she is upset by what he does. She has concerns if he will change his mind by Sunday nite. I’m telling you, its possible not to be affected either way. I don’t care what we call it. But if she could get so wrapped up in Sass, just have fun doing her thing, she wont care what the outcome is. Because she will know what happens is meant to happen.
She is not enabling or anything like that, but she has a lot at stake with this, her well being right now is somewhat dependent on the outcome of his decision. There is another way, which is to put herself first and foremost and whatever he does is just one small part of her life. It doesn’t affect the other parts.
Alia really you are painting me out to be some sort of basket case driving men away with my subconscious rays of sadness and desperation!!
I am well aware that I don’t know whether he’s meeting me to ease his guilt and explain why he’s not into it, or he might be telling me he’s made a huge mistake or it might be somewhere in between where we have an adult conversation about where we are and what we both want going forward – I sincerely hope it’s the latter.
After the phone call which was brief and straightforward I sent him a text laying out how I felt and what I wanted in life and from a relationship, including that I want to settle down and start a family, I put it all plainly and not with any crazy or hysteria. I wished him well and left it at that. I didn’t expect a reply.
He replied saying he had read and digested what I said in my text and agreed with everything and was now struggling with why he had ended it at all and could we meet to talk about it all.
We have already discussed a lot of this in the course of dating. But not in the context of “us” or the future. He’s just about to decide whether to continue the process of buying a house. He’s about to turn 39. He’s been offered a promotion at work. And he’s reached the 3 month mark with me. Maybe that all has a bearing on what he’s thinking and yes I accept he might be thinking yes I want all that just not with her. I am COOL with that if that’s his decision but it would be good for him to tell me.
I am really not the bunny boiler with dried up ovaries that you’re implying. I have investigated having a child on my own – one of my friends has already done this so I know the process in detail and I wven went for the first round of tests. But in thinking about it ive decided it’s not for me as I think it’s important for a child to know who both parents are. I volunteer in an area related to fostering and adoption – again this isn’t for me as a single person as the physical, emotional and financial demands of taking on a damaged vulnerable child are better met by two adults.
Please do not deride me for wanting a biological child of my own – no one else in society gets challenged for wanting this, only single older childless women!!
As for how I feel about him – I like him. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s got his life together, we have the same taste, share many similar views, our friends are connected and similar people, we enjoy the same activities, he’s attractive and well dressed and the sex is good and he gives incredible cuddles and has the softest hair. I like him. I don’t love him because I am still getting to know him and I think love is something that takes more time to develop. I’d like the opportunity to have some more time to find out.
I will meet him on Sunday and listen and discuss and decide.
Well, then, I truly wish you the best here and hope it works out the way you would like. We could all use a story with a good ending!
Sass-
I’ve noticed with posters here that whenever there is some kind of a “resistance” from the OP, then there is some truth in what the others are saying. And I think we are “this close” to getting it.
I think by month 3 there should be a feeling more than “like” for you for him, and I don’t think there is (there’s been plenty of anxiety and resentment though) and I don’t think it will shop up now. And I hope it’s not because ultimately you are actually holding back. Do you really want your biological child with this man and be tied to him for the rest of your life? Or does he “fit the mold” so to speak. Because he may take it further on Sunday. Are you ready for that? Do you want that? and MOST importantly WITH HIM? I would as if I were you for some time to think and not meet him on Sunday.
Jenny
Unfortunately it left me with many fish that continue to linger long after I’ve cut the line, creating problems for my new fish. Just a mess! Blah. It’s because when you can’t put your finger on WHY you just don’t want to be with someone. There’s no rational REASON behind it. You fear you’re letting the wrong one go… There’s just so many wonderful people in the world, hard to walk away from the good ones even though you know they’re wrong for you
Kate
Sass,
I totally agree with you here…based on the fact that you were totally blind sighted by this break up, and for the most part everything seemed to be going well…you have handled the situation really well. Only one closure text which was TOTALLY fine !!!! I think a lot of women would have done the same. Also the fact that you are sad about this shock that happened what a day ago? Pretty understandable!!!! I don’t see any signs of co-dependency here at all! lol just a surprise break up, and the feelings that come with it!!
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