I can't go through this ever again

Alia really you are painting me out to be some sort of basket case driving men away with my subconscious rays of sadness and desperation!!

I am well aware that I don’t know whether he’s meeting me to ease his guilt and explain why he’s not into it, or he might be telling me he’s made a huge mistake or it might be somewhere in between where we have an adult conversation about where we are and what we both want going forward – I sincerely hope it’s the latter.

After the phone call which was brief and straightforward I sent him a text laying out how I felt and what I wanted in life and from a relationship, including that I want to settle down and start a family, I put it all plainly and not with any crazy or hysteria. I wished him well and left it at that. I didn’t expect a reply.

He replied saying he had read and digested what I said in my text and agreed with everything and was now struggling with why he had ended it at all and could we meet to talk about it all.

We have already discussed a lot of this in the course of dating. But not in the context of “us” or the future. He’s just about to decide whether to continue the process of buying a house. He’s about to turn 39. He’s been offered a promotion at work. And he’s reached the 3 month mark with me. Maybe that all has a bearing on what he’s thinking and yes I accept he might be thinking yes I want all that just not with her. I am COOL with that if that’s his decision but it would be good for him to tell me.

I am really not the bunny boiler with dried up ovaries that you’re implying. I have investigated having a child on my own – one of my friends has already done this so I know the process in detail and I wven went for the first round of tests. But in thinking about it ive decided it’s not for me as I think it’s important for a child to know who both parents are. I volunteer in an area related to fostering and adoption – again this isn’t for me as a single person as the physical, emotional and financial demands of taking on a damaged vulnerable child are better met by two adults.

Please do not deride me for wanting a biological child of my own – no one else in society gets challenged for wanting this, only single older childless women!!

As for how I feel about him – I like him. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s got his life together, we have the same taste, share many similar views, our friends are connected and similar people, we enjoy the same activities, he’s attractive and well dressed and the sex is good and he gives incredible cuddles and has the softest hair. I like him. I don’t love him because I am still getting to know him and I think love is something that takes more time to develop. I’d like the opportunity to have some more time to find out.

I will meet him on Sunday and listen and discuss and decide.

Sass-

I’ve noticed with posters here that whenever there is some kind of a “resistance” from the OP, then there is some truth in what the others are saying. And I think we are “this close” to getting it.

I think by month 3 there should be a feeling more than “like” for you for him, and I don’t think there is (there’s been plenty of anxiety and resentment though) and I don’t think it will shop up now. And I hope it’s not because ultimately you are actually holding back. Do you really want your biological child with this man and be tied to him for the rest of your life? Or does he “fit the mold” so to speak. Because he may take it further on Sunday. Are you ready for that? Do you want that? and MOST importantly WITH HIM? I would as if I were you for some time to think and not meet him on Sunday.

Unfortunately it left me with many fish that continue to linger long after I’ve cut the line, creating problems for my new fish. Just a mess! Blah. It’s because when you can’t put your finger on WHY you just don’t want to be with someone. There’s no rational REASON behind it. You fear you’re letting the wrong one go… There’s just so many wonderful people in the world, hard to walk away from the good ones even though you know they’re wrong for you

But how posts were there about this relationship? That’s not being blindsided. Its not codependency..its having your peace wrapped up in the actions of another. Its something totally different.

& I’m also w Kate. To be real, most couples tend to have co-dependent traits. I attribute that to weak minded individuals. However, how you’re feeling & what you’re going through is not what I would consider signs of co-dependency, rather, just normal break-up pains… If anything, I’d say you have some self-esteem and self-control issues, but who doesn’t? That’s always going to be a work in progress through life

Alia, I think you’ve made your point, and now you need to let it go.

Sass, best of luck to you. Read and digest all the free advice that’s been given, and think long and hard about where you are and what you’re doing. Listen to your inner voice when you meet with him and you’ll make the right choice. We’ve all been there! :)

Lane is so right, it works when you don’t care or think about it. I read something today that said, “I think we think too much about a certain thing, when we truly find what makes us happy stick to it, if not walk away with no questions. We just think too much.” If you think about it, it’s very true. I know a relationship is not something you walk away from all the time, but maybe now and then not think of it as a relationship and truly enjoy life and at a very slow speed. If we were always thinking that way…yeah right.

LA girl I know I have thought the same. Although he’s very much a man’s man and not emotional quite blunt etc so I don’t think he’d risk embroiling himself further if he didn’t really want it.

That said I am hoping for an adult conversation which will end the way it ends – I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t equally want to be with me.

I’m meeting him at a coffee shop so therenwont be any chance of getting physical. It will just be talking.

This comment is in response to the comments on age and desirability.

I think very few women here realize that the number of men who look at you on the street is not a determining factor in a woman’s ability to seek and find a relationship partner. If it were — then no Hollywood movie star would ever be single or heartbroken. Once a woman starts judging her worth as a person and as a relationship partner on the number of men who look at her, she naturally lowers her own self-esteem and by virtue of that she lowers her desirability to men. It’s simply not an attractive frame of mind. Do we like to be admired for beauty, yes. May it happen less with age, yes. Does this mean that one is less worthy, less desirable or less capable of attracting a man? No it does not. I think if a woman thinks like this she needs to work on her self-esteem, that is the real problem.

A WOMAN ISN’T MORE WORTHY OR EVEN MORE LIKELY TO FIND A LONG TERM LOVING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP PARTNER BASED ON THE NUMBER OF TIMES SHE IS LOOKED AT ON THE STREET, FLIRTED WITH, OR ASKED OUT. I KNOW MORE WOMEN THAT HAVE MORE DATES THAN ME AND THEY NEVER EVEN HAD A RELATIONSHIP OVER 6 MONTHS.

I also think that self-esteem is the biggest factor in a woman’s dating experience. Google “dating for marriage” there is way better info on that than simple dating articles on how to make a guy like you.

Ivy, I agree. I’ve actually found it difficult to have a line of suitors waiting at my door… Not only do I have to deal with the paradox of choice- too many options so second guessing my final decisions, but I find myself falling into the pattern of liking the ones that show lesser interest just because… Bottom line, there’s someone out there for everyone. Takes time to find someone you’re truly compatible with. This is not only essential to leading the best life possible but it’s also a really difficult process on top of that. But the moments shared with others should be what’s cherished. Even if you don’t end up with someone, think of the great experiences you got to share together. It’s not so much about the destination, but the JOURNEY… You’ll have your ups and downs, even lonely moments in the pouring rain. But the rainbows, glitter, and gold seen along the way is what makes life worth living, no? Don’t waste time dwelling or drowning in the bad

Hi Sass,
I have been wondering as well, and cheering for you. Let us know when you are ready.

Sass,

I think it sounds wonderful! I am glad you are taking him at his word, and letting the relationship go where it needs to.

I love the flowers!

So, of course you should continue seeing him, IMO. I would take this time to get to know him better, and see where it all takes you.

I wish you all the best here. It is heartwarming for us all to see a guy coming ’round. :)

Sounds great!!!!!
Everyone can have a moment of “freak out” and I’m glad he was man enough to admit it. I’ve often wondered that it’s a lot of pressure for a man to constantly plan and lead, and that at a certain point it needs to be 50-50.
I admire you for giving it another chance! He’s a lucky guy. :)