Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I did hurt my bf with sport…
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Newbie.
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isabella123
Hello my name is Isabelle,
So Im a beautician and my bf is a military and a bit macho.All is great but with the job, daily things to do, my yoga… I struggle to get some time with him To fix that, we did decide to make some sport together. One month before the virus… What was the more complicated was to find a sport that can fit for both of us. I wanted salsa or a dance sport (im an ex ballerina) but he refuses, he wants tennis but i hate racket sport… So finally after hours of search and discussion he proposed me judo. I first refuse it but because I see we were blocked I said ok let’s try it…
Finally, after 5 lessons, we both had fun going there. I had the feeling to improve and feel really good practicing. We were on the same club, same training but we had our partner for the “fight part” in the end of the lesson. With the virus, we can’t go anymore, so a few days ago, he asked me to practice at home. We used a mat for safety and worked on the moves as in training. After one hour he challenged me in a friendly match, like for the normal session “if I dare” and he’ll show me “who’s the boss, it’s not like dancing or yoga things…”.
It was the first time we have a match together. Well, even if im sporty he outweight me and he is an military so im not too much confident.. but ok let’s try it!
We hang each other kimono and turn around. I quickly noticed the previous exercices tired him more than me. I pull his sleeve, to the left, to the right, I straighten my leg out and fall on him to the ground. He struggle to escape. He pushed me back 3 times but I bounce and land on him. FInally, i manage to catch his wrists so I put tis under my knees and count to 5 (we need to pin the opponent 5 sec to win). His face was all red and while he get up. I don’t know wich one of us were the more surprised. I can’t hide myself from smiling.
Now he seems really focus and we start again. I still smile while he seems really serious. I pull his kimono again and got him the exact same way. On the ground I manage to basically sit on his face and I catch his arm and bend it, he give up… Before I get up I laugh a bit and tell him “ouch your ballerina got you badly this time, where is the tough soldier now?” I get up (and dance as a ballerina bit to celebrate i confess) and prepare for the 3rd round but he said he didnt want anymore
Later I struggled not to have a strange silence that can sometimes happen. He says nothing and I make a monologue about housework. It seems that he doesn’t want to do judo anymore. I laugh a bit at first, asking him if it’s because I beat him, but he answers me aggressively that no, he just thinks it’s a waste of time.
I haven’t talked to him about it, but he looks different like he’s worried about something, like something is broken. I don’t know. He’s cold with me, never laughs, and seems even a bit depressed.
I didn’t want to hurt him, and now I don’t know how I can fix things. Atmosphere is now complicated..
Please help
Newbie
I feel judo is a terrible choice for a joined sport together. I would forget the whole thing and pick something else to do. Badminton for instance
K
Your immaturity is astonishing. You really know how to hurt a man and rub it in. Why would you think teasing anyone like this is funny or cute? How would you feel if he’d treated you like this? Your behavior was rude and inconsiderate.
Apologize profusely and NEVER try to show him up and then laugh at him again. Or you will lose him for sure. He may be thinking about walking away now – I wouldn’t be surprised if he dumped you over this.
Raven
Your macho man isn’t so macho & a sore loser…
Tallspicy
This should not be relationship ending, but… you should not mock him anymore or refer to beating him. He is clearly sensitive and should tell you so. Some men are emotionally weak, and if he ends it over this, then he is. That said, you triggered him, so show some respect and stop bringing it up.
Ss
Am i the only one thinking the OP isnt in the wrong? Her boyfriend acted like a big butt hurt baby! Its perfectly normal to tease obviously not to take it too far, but he is upset because he was beaten by a woman and his ego is bruised and that to me is just pathetic! Judo is about skill as much as size/shape.
OP – you now know he is a sore loser, doesn’t like being teased and finds it humiliating to be beaten by a woman. Personally I would be so put off by him for these things but appreciate others may feel differently. If you want to stay with him you will have to keep yourself small and stroke his ego …. yuck.
K
Does anyone here understand men at all???
Baiting someone – anyone, any gender, any age – and gloating after you win and continuing to rub their face in it isn’t funny. If he had done to her what she says she did to him, who would think it was perfectly fine and blame her and say she was just a sore loser? No one. We’d be telling her to dump him.
I took tennis lessons with my boyfriend for 8 weeks. He’s never played, I’ve played a little. He got very frustrated he wasn’t picking it up faster. We would play and I would hit the ball neatly in bounds and he struggled to hit it in bounds at all. I never laughed at him or teased him, I encouraged him. He was doing very well and learning fast for a beginner. I eventually called off lessons because it was creating tension. He wasn’t learning and being competent fast enough for his standards and that was frustrating him terribly.
Men who are used to being competent at their work and in their lives don’t like to feel or look incompetent. That doesn’t make them sore losers or babies or egotistical or anything else the women above have called them. Men take failure very hard, in general.
My BF i’s a great guy. He appreciates me for who I am and I don’t have to “make myself small and stroke his ego.” I understand how men think, how they’re wired and where their tender spots are. I’d never treat anyone the way the OP treated her BF. Childish. Insensitive.
Disagree if you want, but be prepared if you treat a man like this you’re going to lose him.
Over and out on this thread.
mama
He’s definitely being a sore loser. If he can’t handle you beating him at something then razzing him a little for it, then logically one can posit he has a fragile ego and a prohibitive amount of pride. It’s not an attractive trait, that’s for sure. But if he’s military and macho, you can bet you’ve bruised his.
I tend to agree with Ss. I don’t know if I’d want to “keep myself small” just to keep from threatening his ego. Be your own self.
If you feel like talking to him about it: Judo is actually a great sport regardless of size. Skill level is the equalizer, not size. I am small/short and took a few classes a couple of years ago and was shocked at how well I did against larger guys. It wasn’t my cup of tea but these are things you can explain to your boyfriend.
Personally I’d just let him lick his wounds and get over it on his own. If he can’t, well it’s not your problem. Be proud of your own capabilities. :)
Newbie
Am i the only one who thinks this is a bogus post? Lol
Liz Lemon
I totally agree with K. Gloating and teasing is poor sportsmanship. It has nothing to do with gender.
And I also agree that the quickest way to lose a man is to make him feel incompetent or like a failure. The boyfriend’s reaction seems a bit over the top (cold and depressed?) but I think the OP was in the wrong to rub the situation in his face. It’s emasculating. Men want to succeed, especially with their women, they want to be seen as competent, strong, good in bed, etc. So it’s cruel to mock him over something like this. I would never in a million years take potshots at my boyfriend’s masculinity this way. And if the situation were reversed, we’d say the guy was an a$$hole for mocking his girlfriend (or, if he somehow mocked her femininity in some way, or implied she lacked it, we’d say he was cruel).
Although Newbie I also agree with you that I’m not sure this is a real post, LOL! Still, it’s an interesting conversation.
K
I’m reasonably certain it’s bogus but it’s a good topic.
Liz Lemon
I will add (as an addendum to my previous post): I want to be seen as feminine by my boyfriend. I want to be seen as ladylike, as sweet, as womanly & sexy. I see him as masculine, in fact his masculinity makes me feel more powerful in my femininity.
I’m also a feminist and I don’t think that’s a contradiction. So it would be very hurtful to me if my boyfriend were to tease me and put my femininity into question in some way. So I can easily understand where the boyfriend’s reaction is coming from.
Newbie
Lol Yeah its a good topic. But i just cracked up first when she suggested to do salsa or dance as a sport and then when she slammed him down the mat the second time she did a ballerina pirouette and asked: Shall we do one more love? Hahaha. But keep going. Im on K team
Raven
He thought he was going to be the Judo King…
Ss
Ok so gloating twice is a bit insensitive but should she have just let him win to massage his fragile ego?? Hell no! That is making herself small.
The tennis example is different because in that case he was frustrated at not doing better but it didn’t sound like he was being all c*cky, big man, I’m going to show you who is the man about it – the OPs guy was. He expected to win because he is a man and aside from letting him win and playing to some weak female narrative what would be the best way to have dealt with it? She is better then him and pretending she isnt would be ridiculous and patronising.
I do get men. I let men be men, i like my men to be men. I’m a feminist but that doesn’t men I want to emasculated men. I understand that making a man feel stupid isn’t helpful and will leave him sore and annoyed but i also don’t see how she did anything so wrong to deserve his ott reaction… i mean its bad sportsmanship to be a sore loser as much as it is to gloat.
The ballet spin and offer of a third round on the second win made me laugh but i can see why he was offended, but he would have been off about it if she had won and not said anything because his issue wasn’t the gloating it was the fact he was beat by a woman!
I’ve no clue if the post is real but its a damn sight more interesting then guys losing interest post lockdown!
Lane
I agree with K where the first one would be OK with a little rub-in but the second was way over-the-top and can easily be described as bad sportsmanship.
I too understand how men operate and its best to say something along the lines of “wow, I can’t believe I won that” (act surprised) where a little win dance and then giving him a big kiss will get you much further than what you did.
There’s an old saying “rubbing salt in the wound” which one does by taking a situation that is already painful, unpleasant or difficult for another person and make it worse. When you see the other is having a difficult time or struggling with a loss, then you need to be less heavy on the salt if you want a harmonious relationship.
Lane
Oh and by the way I did Judo for many years, made it to green belt. I competed and won against women in competitions twice my size. Its really about skill but mostly going in super fast and hard to get them off their game (shake them up) to score the most points haha
K
Ss – no one, including myself, has suggested that you have to let a man win to stroke his ego. That’s a conclusion a few people including yourself are jumping to. That’s not the answer either. The answer is be decent to your significant other and if you’re playing a game, be a good sport if you win.
K
And because the OP hasn’t returned… this is a fake post. :)
I try to imagine what kind of a life – or lack of a life – you have to have to sit around making stuff up to post here… LOL
Ss
I wasn’t suggesting that you guys said she should let him win to stroke his ego. I was saying that’s the alternative to winning. What should she have done? In my opinion Lanes suggestion of ” oh i can’t believe i beat you” is false and still making yourself small for his ego … so what should she have done? We all agree the gloating dancing was dumb and disparaging but i genuinely dont see a way she could have won and him not get the a*se over it??
Newbie
I dont think there is a right or wrong here. This happened and she gloated and mocked. He sulked. Thats part of their relationship and how to deal with that. Suggesting a guy needs to treated a certain way has a very 50 smell. On the other hand most parts of couples respect each other and their faults or ego’s. So i declare this a tie and we like to see Isabella back when she floored him some more
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