Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I did the right thing but it doesn't feel like it
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 11 months ago by
Kim.
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buttercup
I am in a very long term sexless relationship. Rub along fine but more as flatmates. Children still quite young – 10 and 12. It would be a huge upheaval to change our lifestyle. Here’s the thing – I met a much younger guy (almost 20 years younger) on Tinder and we met 3 times for sex. It was mind blowingly exciting but I could not maintain it – the guilt and the anxiety that this guy was only using me for sex. I thought the risk of ending up feeling rubbish was just too high and I called it off after the third time. Trouble is I now spend my entire life fantasising about him and regretting letting this opportunity pass me by. I am almost kicking myself. Just looking for some support that I did the right thing and that high risk situations like that rarely end well do they? I keep going to text him and then walking away. I need to delete don’t I?
Newbie
What is your definition of this ending well? A house and a white picket fence with young lover?
Yes, i think you did well by ending this before you got to far in. Its weird you describe him as using you for sex as i see this as a sex consentual sex date so no using is involved.
I heard that many young lovers pick older women on purpose as they dont expect a relationship.
So let go of this guy. If you crossed the line to cheating are you sure its not time to end the marriage? Maybe give that more thoughtRaven
What would your husband think?
Padmini
I am going to be very honest with you here:
It really seems as though you are only concerned about yourself here rather than your husband, children, and even your lover; a rather narcissistic state-of-mind.
Certainly, it was right to stop the affair: on your end, that is. Your lover was, as Newbie says, happy to jump into sex with you since he thinks you would not want a real commitment.
I advise you to also consider your husband and children when deciding what is rightful. I would not know why your marriage is sexless, but it really appears that the lack of sex is causing you to act-out. So it is best for everybody that you reassess your marriage honestly.
Padmini
Oh, sorry, I reread your post to find you did end the affair after some guilt. So I feel then you do feel a bit of conscience regarding your husband & children.
I will rephrase: Your stands of acting-out, ending the fling, and still craving sex are a sign that you really need to make a drastic change regarding your sexless marriage; whatever it is you feel best.
I apologize again.
Kim
Just coming from a different perspective here. My parents separated for a little while when I was really young. I would’ve been about 6 or 7. Luckily they managed to sort things out between the two of them.
While I do understand that a divorce would be an upheaval for your children children can also sense when there’s tension in the home. I certainly did sense something wasn’t right and to be honest I’d prefer if my parents were happy apart than miserable if they stayed together.If the marriage is beyond repair it might be time to end it properly? Your children are old enough to understand the basics of divorce. My parents made it very clear to my siblings and I that the separation had nothing to do with me or my sisters and even though they had to live apart for a while they still both loved us.
What example do you want to set for your children? Do you want them to think that this way of living is normal by having an affair because you’re in fear of ending things properly with your husband?
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