I finally started liking him, but he pulled back

Oops typos with auto correct… I meant why are you creating so much drama for yourself at work? I would be mortified if people at work were talking to me like that. Do you want to mess up your professional credibility by becoming fodder for office gossip and ridicule?

I’m not even going to comment on the seeming cluelessness of the entire situation (especially regarding the other girl, who he may be very well into even more than you can fathom), but saying he’s attractive yet out of your league because you are “trophy material”? Really? Are you that conceited and shallow? I am sorry, but I cannot see any success in you pursuing a man whom you *believe* you are “above” or “superior” to, disregarding any sense of respect for the person he is. If he used you, good for him for being an average Joe who banged a “trophy woman” so easily and is able to brag about it at work (and who, according to what you said, very likely is). I don’t mean to be harsh, but this kind of disrespect and arrogance regarding ones looks I simply cannot swallow.

*recent, not easy… for the divorce, of course ;)

Right On ANA
Really what you said is disrespectful because a true trophy wont need to point that out. And if you were a true trophy your husband wouldn’t have left.
They guys are only coming out of the closet because you are an easy lay

So??? There are many ladies with those characteristics, many are gorgeous and many are not. I am honestly still in awe that you called yourself a “trophy” and an “arm candy”. An object. Who do you think you are??? Get a grip; you did not try hard enough. Unhappy or not, you threw away a marriage like a child throws a tantrum because of A GUY WHO HAS SPREAD THE WORD THAT YOU ARE AN EASY LAY. YES, HE HAS. NOTHING IS SECRET. Reread what you wrote yourself. Nobody knows???? The entire office knows; guys are lining up, but NOT because of your divorce *hint, hint*.

Go read what Mel wrote to see if she disagrees (and that is coming from a different mind and POV). For no brainers nothing changes. Plus, she always has some of the best advice.

It’s not about being rude, more like giving you a wake up call, Almost free. Get your act together and, if you can’t respect your husband and “the homely” as most of us are, at least have some SELF RESPECT.

I just personally think that marriage is more than just a contract. it seems that you people do it just to say the word husband or wife. Either this whole story is fake or your some trash from the trailer park because who talks like that casually? People change life is long. you dont divorce just because something goes bad and your husband doesnt want to go to therapy! do the best you can dont come on some website and go back to high school with some lame story. my point is instead of talking about your marriage your giving up and talking about some guy at job. if your getting divorced then your not trying. agreeing to get married is agreeing to not divorce. People give up too quickly and its not okay. its not a walk in the park

1. We marry people because we like who they are. People change. Plan on it. Don’t marry someone because of who they are, or who you want them to become. Marry them because of who they are determined to become. And then spend a lifetime joining them in their becoming, as they join you in yours.

2. Marriage doesn’t take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It’s the human condition. Marriage doesn’t change the human condition. It can’t make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn’t, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while.

3. Shame baggage. Yes, we all carry it it. We spend most of our adolescence and early adulthood trying to pretend our shame doesn’t exist so, when the person we love triggers it in us, we blame them for creating it. And then we demand they fix it. But the truth is, they didn’t create it and they can’t fix it. Sometimes the best marital therapy is individual therapy, in which we work to heal our own shame. So we can stop transferring it to the ones we love.

4. Ego wins. We’ve all got one. We came by it honestly. Probably sometime around the fourth grade when kids started to be jerks to us. Maybe earlier if our family members were jerks first. The ego was a good thing. It kept us safe from the emotional slings and arrows. But now that we’re grown and married, the ego is a wall that separates. It’s time for it to come down. By practicing openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of vengeance, apology instead of blame, vulnerability instead of strength, and grace instead of power.

5. Life is messy and marriage is life. So marriage is messy, too. But when things stop working perfectly, we start blaming our partner for the snags. We add unnecessary mess to the already inescapable mess of life and love. We must stop pointing fingers and start intertwining them. And then we can we walk into, and through, the mess of life together. Blameless and shameless.

6. Empathy is hard. By its very nature, empathy cannot happen simultaneously between two people. One partner must always go first, and there’s no guarantee of reciprocation. It takes risk. It’s a sacrifice. So most of us wait for our partner to go first. A lifelong empathy standoff. And when one partner actually does take the empathy plunge, it’s almost always a belly flop. The truth is, the people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy plunge ourselves?

7. We care more about our children than about the one who helped us make them. Our kids should never be more important than our marriage, and they should never be less important. If they’re more important, the little rascals will sense it and use it and drive wedges. If they’re less important, they’ll act out until they are given priority. Family is about the constant, on-going work of finding the balance.

8. The hidden power struggle. Most conflict in marriage is at least in part a negotiation around the level of interconnectedness between lovers. Men usually want less. Women usually want more. Sometimes, those roles are reversed. Regardless, when you read between the lines of most fights, this is the question you find: Who gets to decide how much distance we keep between us? If we don’t ask that question explicitly, we’ll fight about it implicitly. Forever.

9. We don’t know how to maintain interest in one thing or one person anymore. We live in a world pulling our attention in a million different directions. The practice of meditation–attending to one thing and then returning our attention to it when we become distracted, over and over and over again–is an essential art. When we are constantly encouraged to attend to the shiny surface of things and to move on when we get a little bored, making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act. And it is absolutely essential if any marriage is to survive and thrive.

BE A WOMEN FOR GODS SAKE AND TAKE SOME ACTION IN YOUR DIGNITY.

Hi Almost.

I’m going to give it to you straight. You’re replacing one man with another and eventually your head is going to pull you back so you can properly heal from the divorce. Honestly, its better he pulled back now because you really aren’t in any position to be in another relationship until you rebuild yourself entirely from scratch without your husband in it.

I went through this brief phase right after my divorce, and when my rebound pulled back it was the best thing he did for me because I KNEW I had to deal head on with the my issues (such as co-dependency) that helped caused the demise of our marriage—its takes two to make and break a marriage.

Accept his GIFT, refocus all your energy on you, seek counseling if it will help, read books on self-empowerment because your ego takes a huge hit in a divorce, take up some hobbies and activities you liked to do (“Meetup” is a great way to do this), and just be by yourself for awhile. I personally REFUSE to date a man who hasn’t been fully divorced or single for a bare minimum of a year, preferably two or more, because I know what its like to go through a divorce. You may think your fine, but you’re not, and its best to admit it and start taking the steps in grieving the loss of your marriage and rebuilding your new life.

Thanks Lane. I appreciate the non judgmental feedback. And I have read many books over the past few months that have helped me solidify my feelings and that I am doing the right thing. One of the best ones was “The Seven Decisions” by Andy Andrews. I constantly revisit the summaries of each decision and it helps me stay on the right – positive path. And I have been in therapy for the past 12 years, which has helped me become the strong, confident, fully self aware person that I am today. So all of you ladies who are trying to beat me down… It’s not new to me. The bottom line, insecurity breeds hatrid, and I’m feeling your hate.
As for replacing one man with another… My husband can’t be replaced. We are the best of friends and I do love him as a person. He made me want to be a better person all those years ago. And I am a better person now, and he knows the love and appreciation I have for him. We just don’t enhance each other as people anymore. We are separating as friends with one overall objective which is to ensure our daughter is the #1 focus if our lives, and she will benefit from us being better parents and people when we are not together. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinions everyone.

There is a whole lot of dysfunction here. Too much to even mention. First, why would you call yourself “Trophy Material”? Do you know how trophies are treated, they are held on the arm and then discarded, that is how a true trophy is treated. Never ever call youself that unless you want a superficial relationship where a man will never ever value you.

Second, telling the guy that girl made you nervous is a clear sign of low self-esteem. I know you are thinking you don’t have low self-esteem. But hear me out, last time a man kept talking about this hot girl to me saying how she was coming on to him and he’d tell me this story of another thing she said, I told him that although that sounded interesting, the next time he and I were together I’d much rather spend time talking about him. Ya know what, he doesn’t bring her name up anymore. See I figured if this guy is gonna get with that girl he’s gonna do it regardless of what I say or do, I can’t stop it, but I am not gonna feed the beast so to speak. I will not give the girl extra attention and she won’t utilize my time with the guy. If that didn’t work but it did…then I can cut my losses as a turn off on my part.

Last, work is work, and it’s usually someone’s livelihood, boundaries are important, you are are bringing a lot of drama to your life and to your work. You are also starting to sound like you are way too invested in this guy, I fear that he won’t ever take you seriously because he met you when you were married, so you did cheat on your husband with him. That could have been the excitiment for him, the unnatainable, now you are free and instead of being there 100% he’s being wishy washy and hanging with this new girl. Doesn’t sound good at all but look where it all started from, lies, immaturity and cheating.

I think you only want the dude because he pulled away from you..consider your ego. If your ego was truly out of it, you would be turned off by someone pulling away from you.

Great points from Lane and Ivy, but Almost Free I get the feeling that you aren’t being quite honest with yourself. It is such a contradiction to say “I have substance and brains and I want the same in a (preferably a cute one) man. This dude is off the chain immature and insecure. Yes, I have a soft spit for him, but no long term plan,” but yet here you are clamoring away for him, posting on online dating forums for “advice” on this man that you supposedly couldn’t care less about.

I agree with Kim that your ego is involved here. Either you’re embarrassed that he’s the one doing the “dumping” or you’re not being real and its time to get REAL about how you really feel about this man and everything else.

If any introspection does reveal to you that it is your ego, then its time you consider what’s important, your shallow ego (and admittedly all of our egos are shallow) or your position within this company. Please don’t be so naive to believe your relationship has been kept secret, you all made out together in front of colleagues, it doesn’t matter what you told them, its about what they saw. Turn it down a notch and reel yourself back in, it’s time to get a grip on your emotions before they start spilling into action and become fodder for the water cooler.

I am sorry to hear that things did not work favorably for you in your marriage and hope that in time you’ll find green pastures. :)

Almost free

Huh?

If I read your first post correctly, YOU were the one who gave him the signal to have sex with you first. You gave him reason to believe you were fine with all the secrecy and hook up.

A man will treat you the way you teach him to.

Trying to understand why they act that way is simple. Because we let them. Men are not wired to seek out a relationship. They simply live in the moment and enjoy the woman or women they are seeing. Unless they meet someone who blows their socks off and inspires them to commit… He will continue as is.

Women date to get into relationships usually…. That’s why the big disconnect.

If you want a man to be respectful and you want to weed out the creeps… Command that respect and conduct yourself accordingly, we attract back what we put out.