Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I ignored him and now he’s ignore me
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Tina
Started talking to this guy two weeks ago. We went on 3 dates within the first week that were pretty great and I was starting to really like him. Now we are in separate cities for a few months because I’m traveling for work but decided to keep talking despite knowing we won’t see each other for a while. We text every day and he’s called a few times.
Friday night we got into a disagreement and I felt he really offended me. He kept apologizing on the phone saying it was a joke but I still was upset when we hung up. Even texted him that it was great how he made me feel and I hope someone never makes him feel that way. I can see now I may have been a little overly sensitive or over reacted but it was how I felt.
Saturday morning he texted me good morning like nothing happened. I was still upset and not ready to talk so I ignored him. He then calls me around 5pm. I was out with friends so I didn’t answer but called him back around 8pm. He has not returned my call or text messages since then. Should I just say forget it and not try to reach out again?
I’m just frustrated because he is the one who offended me, I took space, and now he’s either ignoring or ghosting me.
Maddie
This sounds like bad communication all around. To be that offended after only 3 dates and a couple weeks of knowing each other? I’d say just drop the whole dating situation with him because you tried to get to know each other and you quickly learned you’re not compatible. Things should be easy at the beginning, not require extra space after only 3 dates and expecting to be apart for a while.
However, you also need to communicate while establishing a new relationship. If you need space, you say it first (assuming you didn’t outright say you needed space, only that you were hurt/angry), and then you take it. Needing space is fine, but there’s no reason to ignore someone without warning whom you’re trying to date and build trust with (unless there’s a safety reason involved). So, that’s a good takeaway to consider for next time.
Don’t assume you were oversensitive if your gut reacted that way to him saying something that doesn’t sit well with you, though. Maybe you could have reacted differently depending on whatever it was, but that early when you still don’t really know each other, it’s better to just listen to your gut. If you can’t make it through resolving disagreements well together early on, there’s not much point in further investing. Plus, it’s often a cop-out when people try to brush off their offensive words as jokes, at least in my dating experiences! If I stuck around long enough after, I always found there was truth to them underneath, and neither our senses of humor nor values meshed well together.
Raven
What were you hoping to accomplish by ignoring him?
Tina
@Raven – Maybe to prove the point I was mad. Also wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to talk to him again or not so figured I should decide before I responded.
@Maddie – I don’t think you’re wrong. Also, think I have some serious anxious attachment/self-sabotaging issues that come through in a lot of the beginning stages of relationships. Probably should have just said I needed space. Don’t know if the relationship is worth continuing to pursue, to be honest because I don’t think he provides me the safety and security I need to trust him as we get to know each other and to not be anxious. Is that wrong to feel that way so soon?
Kaya
Your anxiety isn’t his issue to take care of, it’s yours. Ignoring is the silent treatment and that’s actually controlling and abusive. You just demonstrated your high maintenance and no one likes that. He might not try to reach you again. Maddie has some good points but you have to learn to handle conflict like a mature person.He tried you multiple times so the ball is in your court now. if you can get past what he said then call him but otherwise you could just text and say you don’t see this working out.
Tallspicy
I am sorry, but your whole story is some of the most immature communication I have seen in a long time.
You text him after with passive aggressiveness, you ignore him, you think that expressing how you feel with no thought to how to express yourself.
Adults accept apologies, they communicate with vulnerability and dont vomit on others, they dont punish others because they want to make a point. Please grow up.
Accept an apology, if you need a second conversation do it directly and in person, dont think you get to say whatever you want because you are mad, and dont ignore people in a bid to punish them.
Maddie
No, it’s not too soon to feel that way. Anxious attachment can make you cling on for a lot longer than you should because disconnection hurts more in the moment than trying to force something to work that doesn’t work. So it’s fine to end things early when you’re immediately butting heads or feel like things are off. It’s also better to work on those attachment and communication issues on your own than to put yourself in a long distance thing with someone you barely know who things are already rocky with. So much room for misunderstandings and anxiety when you haven’t established the relationship yet and can’t see each other.
Good guys looking for something mature won’t want to chase women who handle conflict by disappearing without warning. It’ll be a turn off. But guys who are comfortable with dysfunction will tolerate that, maybe even enjoy the chase. So another reason to work on your side of things is to make sure you filter out the wrong guys instead of pushing away the right ones. I don’t think you pushed away the “right one” in this case for reasons I already stated, but it’s still a good opportunity for you to think about how you communicate and handle conflict and why, and if there’s a better way as you meet new people (and there is a better way, as the other commenters have pointed out).
You also don’t need to prove to someone you’re mad once you’ve said you are mad. They should take you at face value and not look for hidden meanings, and you the same with them. When one or both of you can’t do that, or someone says one thing and then does another different thing, there’s an emotional maturity problem in the dating situation / relationship.
Tina
Yes, you are right. I also don’t think it helps that I haven’t dated in over 2 years prior to meeting this guy, and every time before that, it would be long periods of time in between. So every time i think I’m over these anxiety issues and have grown and are ready to try again, a new person comes and the issues reappear. I know that it’s not right to just dump my emotions onto someone else but when I’m mad or in the moment, I can’t help it. And I have this bad habit of wanting to go tit for tat or throw little jabs when I’m hurt or offended. Again, not healthy but I’m being honest.
And yes I am seeing a therapist if anyone reading this is wondering. Also am 30 years old and was in a 6 year relationship in my early 20s that wasn’t the healthiest and I am still trying to unlearn those bad habits.
Maddie
One thing that may help to keep in mind when dealing with anxious attachment is the instant chemistry that usually makes you say, “I never meet people I click with but rarely I’ll have fireworks with someone great but then it eventually becomes a mess…”, that overwhelming chemistry and attraction is usually a warning sign that you have issues together that set each other off and it is actually a red flag. It’s another type of anxiety and stress, actually, and usually means you’ve clicked with someone who will turn out to be avoidant. That leads to some of these conflict and communication issues and having bad and angry fights you’re talking about that are hard to resolve because both people are struggling with very different needs from each other and mutually bad communication and don’t end up creating a safe space for the other. So keep dating while you’re working with your therapist, but look for calmer dates that you like enough and are physically attracted to enough to give a chance to rather than that specific kind of crazy sparks chemistry. It is more of a slow burn as you get to know each other without that rush and might seem more boring at first, but if it’s a good guy for you then it ends up in a better place later on versus not dating for long periods but then speeding through and spending tons of time together immediately after one good date with a high chemistry person.
mama
“I know that it’s not right to just dump my emotions onto someone else but when I’m mad or in the moment, I can’t help it. And I have this bad habit of wanting to go tit for tat or throw little jabs when I’m hurt or offended. Again, not healthy but I’m being honest.”
How’s that working out for you? Here’s the truth: You CAN help it, especially if you are aware of what you’re doing. Learn techniques to manage your temper.
I would occasionally date guys that do this and it was a huge red flag. It screams the other person thrives on drama. I usually would end it by saying we weren’t right for each other and block them so they wouldn’t argue with me.
mama
Also… you guys are arguing after only 2 weeks? That is not a good match. Use it as a learning lesson and move on.
Tina
I’m not going to completely disagree with you @mama but I also think that if anyone could just control their brain and emotions that easily, people wouldn’t have anxiety or attachment issues to begin with, just saying.
Update was: He did resurface on Monday night and acted like nothing happened. Just returned to regular conversation and didn’t address the fact that I called and he never answered. I have thought about it more and realized he just really isn’t a great fit. We are still kind of talking now but imagine it will fizzle out soon. The long distance for the next few months just isn’t going to work and more importantly, I just don’t think we are compatible. All in all I had to learn the lesson yet again to not get so attached to someone or something so new, to stop projecting my idea of the person onto the situation instead of just taking the time to get to know them, and to learn to control my emotions.
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