Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › I let my emotions rule… Darn it!
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Carol.
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Lylah
Long story short, the guy I’ve been seeing for four months had been away on business for a week, he was distant during this time. I didn’t reach out, he ended up contacting me when he got back to say he’s slammed at wrk, make it up to me this weekend.
So tonight was date night. He took me to a movie he knew I’d been talking about wanting to see for ages, then out for a lovely dinner. Back to his place to chill, watch tv and chat snuggled up. Overall was a great date. This is where I screw it up at the end…
He happened to mention he’s just made plans for New Year’s Eve. I asked what they were, he’s going away for three nights with friends to the city. It took me by surprise I guess because 1) I had “assumed” we would likely spend it together (yes stupid I know) and 2) he didn’t ask me to join him. I then felt very hurt, so I went quiet. He must have noticed something was up (coz you can never shut me up usually) so I told him I was a bit taken aback by his plans for NYE, felt confused and hurt and why. I could feel myself getting emotional so I cut the night short, thanked him for dinner and left the house.
Got half way up the driveway when he came outside and chased me, asked if we could talk about why I’m upset, what did he do wrong. By now I have a few tears, so took a deep breath and explained that perhaps it was wrong of me to make assumptions in things especially when we never discussed anything but couldn’t help feeling hurt that when you spend a lot of time together and not to spend a special event together has me very confused. That he’s the first man I’ve ever opened myself up to and trust in a long time. He didn’t say much except please don’t rush him, things are on the right track and he cares for me a lot. Then he wrapped me in a long hug. I think I said Im sorry I’ve royally screwed things up now.. To which he said no definitely not. Anyway, he gave a few more kisses and hugs and we called it a night.
Not sure where things will go from here… It’s the first time I’ve ever let myself get emotional around him and I’m kicking myself. Guess time will soon tell if he goes poof! I know I handled this very poorly and if anything a lesson learnt
talllady
Sweetie. You did nothing wrong. If someone is your boyfriend, which is reasonable at 4 months, it is reasonable to guess that you are spending the holiday together and that he would discuss it with you. He did, I think you are more mad that he made the decision without even mentioning it.
That is not rushing it. That is incorporating someone into your life. If he does this without even asking, I would take it as him not on the right track, which is melting two lives together.
If he is showing up in every other way, then give him a mulligan, and assume he is clueless. Just say.
Sweetie, I wanted to talk about new years. I got emotional, which felt badly for both of us. When I am building a partnership, communication is important to me. Can you help me with something? For big holidays, can we discuss what each of us is doing before big decisions are made? To me, that shows that we are building something together. While I am disappointed no NY ERS together, it is more that we did not discuss it at all before it was presented to me.
Lagirl
I hate to say this, but he isn’t on track with you. If a man didn’t spend New Years with me after being with me for 4 months… I would be hurt too and question the relationship. Is he your official boyfriend?
My husband, when he started dating me, spent New Years with me after we dated for only 4 weeks. I became his gf shortly after that and we engaged a few months later.
Everyone has a different time schedule, but as mentioned above if he isn’t integrating you into his life by now, he likely won’t. Men know very early on about such things. He didn’t tell you about New Years because he knew it would be an issue OR he simply didn’t care because he believes you are not that serious.
Yams
Honestly if you’re in your early or mid twenties, I’d say let it go. At this age relationships and commitment move a little slower because everyone’s still faffing about with their own lives.
Just say to which what Tall say. Men can be clueless, especially the younger ones. They’re not so clued into gentlemanly things etc.
Lylah
He was showing up in every other way and I was happy with the pace we were going since it took a lot for me to trust someone else. Not sure if it’s too late to communicate why I got so upset considering it’s the next day?
Lylah
Disregard my question, have decided I think I said all that needed to be said about NYE the other night. Maybe I could have handled it better. He did seen genuinely surprised and puzzled why I was upset. I’ll go on about my daily life and wait to hear from him. I also know that when we discuss emotional or deep matters, he distances for a few days… So it’s going to be tough.
Think I’ll also use this time and the next few weeks to decide if this is enough for me?
Diane
You did nothing wrong… That is how I would have felt..
It is ok, and appropriate, to let him know when you are upset… Now it is up to him where he put you in his life now… I have a gf who dated a guy for 2 years, without him incorporate her in any way… They eventually part ways, and she found out that was how his 3 precious relationships ended… Some guys are just like that … It is better to find it now than later
Lylah
Thanks Diane, it’s definitely something I’ll be watching closely to see if any change is made to integrate me further into his life. I thought we were making progress last few weeks – meeting family and friends, sharing deeper thoughts and opinions on things in our lives, him opening up more.
I’ll have no himation tho in the next few weeks to break things off if I don’t see any change. I certainly won’t wait around for years! Either he wants to be a part of my life or not. Quite simple
Lylah
Hesitation *
Bea
Some guys are just clueless and some do not think ahead. The guy I’m seeing didn’t make any plans on his birthday with me, of course I didn’t say anything, I was bummed. That night he was the one who told me we should’ve spent his birthday together. And he followed that with, next year we should definitely be together on our birthdays (his bday was 3 and mine was 4 same month).
Lylah
Heard no word from him yesterday, so now it’s a waiting game. Well, not per se as in I’ll be sitting by my phone. But still sucks not knowing if this is the fade out or just some space needed.
Diane
The only cure to this is to look at him objectively… Think about things that are good AND bad about him… Nobody is perfect, so I am sure there are things about him that you don’t like..
This way, it is not a complete loss if he does not come around… Works really well for me.. Hope it works for you too.
Lylah
I’ve only had him do the no contact once during the while dating process. And that was due to work. I guess because the end of the date was uncomfortably emotional for us both it’s that I’m struggling with the unknown. Why tell me things are ok besides my embarrassing outburst to then going no contact? I’d rather just know! Is it over or not?? I’ve been keeping busy but it’s the evenings that’s hard when I’m used to his company.. Which is now absent. I know this sounds too dependant and usually I’m not. It’s just the unknown doing my head in!!
Yams
Lylah, guys are very simple creatures and they tend to mean what they say. Read carefully if it’s a text, and listen carefully it it’s words. They don’t speak in code.
If he said everything’s okay, and it didn’t look like he was choking saying it or trying to get away then everything probably IS okay. You yourself said that when emotions run high he takes a while. Most men aren’t in tune enough with their emotions to be able to process them all at once. Why he doesn’t tell you when he’s going MIA? because he thinks you’re probs wired the same as him and are going to need space too! Everyone assumes everyone else works just like them.
Relax. Stop overthinking it. Give yourself a deadline to worry. I’d say about 4-5 days.
And when he does come back thats when you deal with it! Let things go back to normal first but then Tell him you’re uncomfortable with how he goes MIA
Lylah
Thank you so much Yams for your advice! Was starting to analyse things again this evening so thought I’d come here for some advice and common sense. I do know it was the first time I’ve ever had an emotional overload around him, guess I gotta have a little faith in his words like you said. He’s also on his week away business trip this week.
I’ll keep reminding myself in the meantime don’t worry yet til the end of the week and work out what to do when that day arrives. Thanks again!! Amazing how a little bit of reassurance can ease the mind lol
Bea
What usually works for me would be, if your mind is starting to over think and be negative, argue with it, ask your mind what has happened for you to think that, is that really what happened? Is that really the situation? Ask for evidence. I know it might sound silly but it works for me, maybe it would for you too :)
Lylah
Thanks Bea, I’ll try that. Funny how your mind can play scenarios and make you plain crazy at times!
celesteannv
I agree with LA here. I would have been hurt too if my guy – who is very cautious in our relationship btw – did not include me in a major holiday after 4 months. I do not think you did anything wrong here either. You are progressing together and while men can be clueless.. hence why I would give him a one time pass, I would watch his actions, future talk etc.
I am the first one to say that I do not get much female drama, but we are more emotional by nature and should not have to apologize for how we are wired any more than men should have to apologize for being how they are.
LAgirl
How old is this man?
I just don’t buy into a man being this clueless if you are BF/GF. Who makes plans without their significant other during a major holiday?
You can cut him slack, but he would be on probation in my book.. if we were talking simply a ‘boys weekend’ sometime during the year – no big deal. But we are talking New Years Eve. And your BF doesn’t want to spend that with you?
It would be one thing if he had these plans in place before he met you.. and it wasnt possible to include you. But the make them recently? And leave you out? hmmmm
Carrie
I agree with LA Girl. This is a major holiday and if you are exclusive (BF/GF) then you should have been included in plans. Don’t apologize for your emotions but be open in a calm, direct manner about what you are feeling.
I am well aware that as women, we are more emotional but when we try to repress our wants/needs it can build up and before you know it, resentment can creep in. I think finding that fine balance and learning to communicate your wants and needs is key here.
Lylah
We’re both 34 & 35. I agree ladies, I do not think it was too much to assume to spend an important holiday together like NYE. Besides feeling very hurt it did ring alarm bells for me if this means something more – that he’s simply not that interested in a future. And this is where I’d rather know straight up so I can get on with things. I may not be entirely proud how I came across explaining things as I was highly emotional, but I’m glad I said something.
Day 3 no word, but adjusting to this… If I hear back he will definitely be in probation and I’ll be watching his actions and words for future things.
If I don’t hear from him by the end of the week, I thought about casually reaching out, just not sure what to say?
Andrea
Lylah, you don’t reach out to somebody if you are going to put him on probation. It’s the responsibility of a person on probation to prove he is qualified for further consideration.
Sasha
Lylah – I don’t believe you did anything wrong. I don’t even think you handled your “emotional outburst” wrong. From the sounds of it, you handled it quite maturely and you’re a woman! So of course you’re going to feel some emotions!!
However, I have to say that I don’t agree that him not spending New yrs with you, is a bad thing or a wrong thing or that it means he’s not on the right track. And I do happen to believe that SOMETIMES men are clueless, even at the most obvious things, or at least things we think is obvious or would naturally assume, as you did.
My bf and I are also in our 30’s. We’ve been dating for 5 months and we’re not spending new yrs together. He has made plans to go out of town to see his family over new years and I too just found out about this, this past weekend when he casually brought it up during a conversation about something. For a split second I had the “Whoa! wait! what?!” reaction, although I didn’t say anything, but then I realized it’s okay!! We are still new! We’ll spend other holidays together, next new years together and if all works out well, we’ll have MANY MANY more holidays to spend together. I honestly didn’t let it bother me because to me, it’s not worth getting bothered by. NOW if he did this next year, then I’d have a word or three! LOL.
Also, I’m positive he meant everything he said to you when he came running out after you, otherwise if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t even bothered to come after you. I think what happened is men get VERY uncomfortable when a new woman they are dating gets emotional, men just don’t know what to do with it and they fear that they might make it worse. I think he’s just feeling unsure of how you’re feeling and what you might be thinking. A womans mind is SCARY to a man lol. I think he’s feeling a little nervous, intimidated and unsure how to approach you or the subject again?
I notice that when I get overly emotional with my bf or around him, he really just doesn’t know what to do or how to handle it. He tries his best with what he has lol but it makes him feel awkward. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about me or isn’t on the same track or page as me, he’s just a guy and I’m a girl and we’re reacting in two different ways, in two very different languages. I’m sure over time, both people learn how to support, comfort, deal with each other’s outbursts, but right its all still new. And if this is the FIRST time he’s seen this side of you, he might be a little nervous being that he’s never had the chance to see this side of you and deal with it, with you. So MAYBE, if you feel it’s worth it, cut him a little slack.
As for reaching out. I personally don’t play waiting games. I think you going absolute NC right now, is maybe jumping the gun a lil too fast. You’re demanding communication from him, you also need to provide that to him as well. So I personally would say there’s no problem in reaching out to him. YOu never know, he might be waiting on YOU! Because he feels he hurt you or upset you.
If this is your first issue with him, give him a chance, because all these ideas or over analyzing might be playing against you and you might be creating a problem or a bigger issue in your mind, than what the reality of it is.
Communicate! :)
Lylah
Sasha, it was interesting reading a different point of view with a similar experience so, thank you! Sometimes I really need to learn how not to react to an emotion I’m feeling. It’s ok that we have emotions but we don’t always have to act. Something for me to work on!
I’ve said my piece to him, don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling a man how you feel at times where warranted. I admit I was feeling upset and hurt. But, it’s done now… and he has plans so I’ll let this slide the one time. Like you said, there’s other future events. And it’s these things I will be watching closely – if he integrates me into his life and makes future plans with me. Few weeks ago was a big step in meeting some family and close friends.
I didn’t choose NC but after the outburst I thought it best I give him some space and I needed some too to settle my emotions, think things through. It just so happens neither of us have reached out. Today of all days felt odd because I had some exciting news which ordinarily I would have been racing to the phone to tell him lol. Anyway, thinking I may drop him a casual text tomorrow to reach out, ask how his business trip is going. If he replies and some conversation follows great, if not I’ll have my answer. I won’t bring up the past event either unless he does.
Thank you again ????
Yams
Hey Lylah, I think you should wait till he reaches out. Not for any reason other than the fact that it will give you some peace of mind knowing that he reached out to you cuz he wants to fix things etc!
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