I like this arrangement… but is it closing me off?

So, Anthony and I met 2 years ago. I was married (10yrs), and we began an affair. He cooked for me, and we’d watch basketball together. Sometimes we’d just talk and there’d be no sex. When we did have sex, it was amazing of course. Anyway, this went on for 1 month until I cut it off. My husband and I decided to work on our marriage (we both had stepped out of our marriage and wanted to start over). Anthony respected my decision and left me alone, occasionally texting to make sure I’m doing well.

My husband died 2 months after we recommitted to each other. I was devastated. I let Anthony know and he wanted to give me space to grieve, but assured me that I could reach out to him for anything. My process was bumpy to say the least. Anthony kept contact and we eventually started seeing each other again (about 1 month after my husband’s death).

I met another guy, Devon, and we became intimate after a couple of months(3 months after my husband’s death). I started to fall for Devon, and again cut Anthony off. I blocked his number and had no contact with him. Devon was so nice at first, but later I saw that he was a manipulator and abuser. In retrospect, and after many therapy sessions, I know that I was in a vulnerable and overall bad place. I was not ready to start dating and used these men to distract me from my grief. After 8 crazy months with Devon, it came to an end. He moved out of state, and I was grateful for peace in my life. During those 8 months, I allowed him to turn my life upside down. It was self-destructive.

I had to forgive myself.

For 4 months, I was alone. I was healing and allowed myself to feel it ALL. No longer was I angry. Of course I was sad at times. I’m not sure that I’ll ever stop crying for my late husband. The difference now is that I’m doing the work to improve myself. I’m no longer trying to run from my grief.

Anthony reached out to me again. I must’ve unblocked him at some point, but I don’t remember doing so. He cooked for me and we spent hours catching up. A week later, he invites me over again. We drank, we ate, we laughed, and talked. I must say that when we talk, it’s about everything from politics to our business ventures to our families and our childhood experiences. Anyway, the 4th time I went over, we had sex. So for 7 months, once or twice a week, we have been doing this. He does not want to be anything more than this from what I can tell. And honestly, I don’t want anything more from him. I like that it’s not complicated. He’s my friend. We have a great time together and we confide in one another. And the sex is amazing.

I don’t want a man in my life telling me what to do. I don’t want to share my room ever again. I love sleeping alone. My closet? Yes, all mine!! It’s great. I love my solitude. I get to meditate, unbothered. Have solo twerk concerts in private. Perform all of my witchy rituals without questions. I can focus on my business and my family. I’m empowered.

I told myself that I will not date until Jan 2021… I wanted to give myself a full year since the abusive man left my life completely. Well, I met a very nice man last month (October). I gave him my business card and he’s been trying his hardest to win me over. I very bluntly told him that I’m not ready. LOL! He’s quite persistent. And I have not been pursued this way since my late husband began dating me. I like this gentleman so far. We had sex though. BIG MISTAKE! I wasn’t impressed.

I feel that if I continue my arrangement with Anthony, I will never fully be open to any other man that may come along. I’m not in love with Anthony. But, of course I care for him and the sex is amazing because he’s a skilled lover who knows my body. He’s nearly 10 years my senior. I’m 35. He’s settled, comfortable, mature, and NOT COMPLICATED. Part of me wants to keep this convenient arrangement. Yet, another part wants to be open to true love again. It just hurt so bad to lose my husband, and losing myself afterwards was a tough hurdle to overcome as well. I’m scared to be that vulnerable again, honestly.

I suppose it comes down to what do I value more? What do I truly want? Do I want independence and an arrangement that could end at any moment? Or do I want a potential loving relationship again (that could also end at any moment due to death or the other person leaving for whatever reason)?

Geesh. That was a long one. Of course many details are left out. I tried to make it short and to the point. LOL! Anyway, what do you guys value more at this point in your lives? What would you do?