Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I Lost My Sex Drive :(
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Caetru.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Miss_A
HELP! I’m a 30-year-old heterosexual woman. I’ve always had a super high sex drive, until about 3 months ago. It just disappeared. I understand libido can decrease over time, but it’s completely gone. I’m in a relationship with a wonderful guy. We live together. This issue bothers me tremendously because his needs aren’t being met (he hasn’t said that, but I know it). Over the past few months, I’ve had sex with him a few times for his sake (he never pressured me; I chose to). Everything works properly; my body does what it’s supposed to do. There’s just no desire on my part. It’s like I’m suddenly asexual.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not attracted to him anymore, but that’s not the case at all. I still find him very attractive. I still want to be with him and want a future with him. In the past, when I lost interest or attraction for boyfriends, I’d still be horny, just thinking about other guys. I’m not turned on for anyone now. At all. I’ve tried fantasizing about other guys, even hot celebrities, just to see if it would turn me on. Nothing. Even hot women! Still nothing. I also have no desire to masturbate anymore. I have no desire to make out with my boyfriend (or with anyone), touch each other in a sexual way, oral, literally nothing. I sometimes do it for his sake, but the desire isn’t there. It’s like someone flipped a switch inside me. This started pre-pandemic, so it’s not related to that.
About two months ago, I went to the doctor (GP) for a physical. I told her about my concerns. She said sex drive for women is purely mental, and talking to a therapist was the only solution. I asked if it could be hormonal; she said no. She told me that even if it were hormonal, there’s nothing that could be done about it. I felt like her responses were dismissive. While I’m open to trying therapy, my gut tells me this is not mental, but physical and/ or hormonal. Something in my body is different. Everything checked out normally from the physical.
I take antidepressants and birth control pills. I’ve been on both for 15 years, the same ones, same doses. They’ve never affected my sex drive before. I’m also under some stress and career uncertainty, as many people are, from the pandemic. BUT I’ve been under stress and career uncertainty before, and it never affected my sex drive, and as I said, this all started pre-pandemic. I really don’t think those factors play into it.
Also, in case this is relevant: When I was a kid, a doctor determined that I had a massive amount of testosterone in my body (which caused severe acne). In later years, I assumed that was the cause of my ridiculously high sex drive. Perhaps I’ve had a major drop in testosterone? Can anyone shed any light on this? It’s really bumming me out.
Paige
You gave yourself the probable answer to your question: You take antidepressants.
I suspect that just about all of them have a decrease in libido or the ability to climax as a side effect. Effexor and Lexapro were the worst for me.
First, check with your pharmacist and ask him/her if your antidepressant can have sexual side effects.
If the answer is No, you might want to
1) Go to an endocrinologist and get a workup on your hormones and if they’re out of the normal range, get medication, or
2) Consider therapy.HOWEVER, if your medication CAN cause a decrease in sex drive, go to the doctor who prescribed it, tell him/her that you’re experiencing problems with your sex drive and ask if your medication can be changed.
Good luck, sweetie.
Newbie
A dutch female filmmaker just made a documentary about herself and her bf about this exact same issue. They both are in the docu. She explains every time she gets in a secure relationship she totally loses her sexdrive as if she were trying to hook him before that to get to that phase. Her bf was telling that at some point he would probably look for sex elsewhere. She was hurt by that comment. Well anyway she figured it was a mental issue so she went to a therapist to fix it. Its still work in progress i think. If i were you i wiuld the bf you have this now and you dont know the reason but you are looking for answers
Miss_A
OP here: it’s been almost a year and not much has changed, except I’ve tried everything I can think of to fix it, and nothing has worked. I’m at my wit’s end. I met with my gynecologist in September 2020 (the earliest I could get an appointment). She was the first one who actually listened to my concerns and took me seriously, which was nice. Her only idea was that maybe the pharmacy changed the generic version of the BC bill they gave me. I managed to get them to switch it back (which was not easy), but then I did a month of the old version (which had no side effects in the past). Nothing changed. Still no sex drive.
January 2021, I started talking to a therapist, which I really couldn’t afford and she was not helpful. We talked through some issues in my life, but she didn’t have any insights that I hadn’t already had myself. I am constantly psychoanalyzing myself; I guess you could call it a hobby. She was impressed by my insights but didn’t offer anything new. I discontinued therapy because it didn’t help, and also my dog got really sick and required hospitalization, which cost $4,000 which I really didn’t have to spare. He’s been my best friend for 10 years. The thought of losing him makes me incredibly depressed. He’s doing better now, but I hate that I will lose him eventually. So yes, money is an issue, and I didn’t want to keep paying for therapy which wasn’t helping.
Meanwhile, I bought some pills online which supposedly help women feel “in the mood.” They are not helping. I also spoke with my psychiatrist and asked him to lower the dose of my antidepressant. I should mention the dose I was on was already very low (75 mg per day, Venaflaxine, the generic for Effexor XR – and yes, decreased sex drive IS a potential side effect, but it never had that effect on me before). I have taken the lower dose (37.5 mg) in the past with no negative effects, so my psychiatrist and I agreed to go back to the 37.5. Deep down, I feel this won’t help either, though.
I don’t want to try a different antidepressant because when I was first diagnosed with depression at age 15, I tried many different types. This was the only one that helped. Over the years, I’ve tried stopping because I just hate the idea of needing it. I want to be okay without it. But I can’t. Each time I’ve stopped taking it, I lose the will to live. Not right away, but within a couple weeks, I’m overcome by a crushing hopelessness and just want to end it. So, I’m not really keen on the idea of stopping this antidepressant to try something new. But at this point I’m considering it. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like a failure as a girlfriend and as a human.
Rather than feel excited about sex, I just feel guilty and ashamed for not meeting my boyfriend’s needs. Last night was a great example. As we got into bed, he told me he was really horny. I wasn’t in the mood. I offered him a hand job because I wanted to be there for him. He accepted. But the whole time I was doing it, he kept asking if I was having fun and if I was enjoying it. It crushed me. I said yes, but he knew it wasn’t true. He couldn’t finish, and I blamed myself. I know that if I’d been in the mood, it would have been a much better experience. But I just couldn’t get there. I want to so badly.
Then, this morning before he left for work, he made a comment like “When I get home, I’m going to jump on you.” I could tell he meant it as playful and fun. But immediately I felt guilty and pressured. I’m putting tremendous pressure on myself to be in the mood tonight. If I’m not, it will just lead to another ordeal where I end up in tears, and he gets sad and distant thinking I want out of the relationship.
I’ve done so much research on this topic to try to find a solution. I even had an “epiphany” last month where I kept reading that a lack of emotional intimacy with one’s partner can lead to decreased sex drive. I made an effort to get closer to my boyfriend emotionally (I fear commitment and subconsciously push him away, and yes I’m working to improve this), and for a bit, it worked. The sex drive returned. But that only lasted for a few days. Now, even when I feel the closest to him emotionally, I don’t desire sex. At all.
Other than my boyfriend and medical / mental health professionals, I haven’t talked to anyone about this. I don’t have any friends who are close enough that I’d feel comfortable mentioning it to. I feel so ashamed and terrible. I don’t want to keep mentioning it to my boyfriend because we just go around in circles, find no answers, and we both end up depressed. I hate feeling like I’m bringing him down. I’m just here because I’m desperate for someone to talk to. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I’m thinking of finding a sex therapist, but that would be expensive and I don’t know if it would help. I just feel completely lost and defeated. I hate victim mentality and I keep beating myself up for dwelling in it, but that’s counterproductive because I just pull myself down even further. I just don’t know what to do.
Maddie
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If it’s not the birth control or any depressants, and your partner is open and emotionally available to you, then is it possible you have an avoidant attachment style? You’ve said you have lost attraction for partners before and fear commitment. That is a pattern that can happen, in which case you’d need a good therapist who knows about attachment theory and probably how it relates to sex to help you. I’ve had (fearful) avoidant style male partners lose attraction to me after we were in a committed relationship, for no apparent reason (it was all subconscious and tied to their nervous systems shutting down and numbing their feelings of connection due to an old fear of intimacy stemming from a fear of engulfment, but they were too avoidant to talk about or ultimately deal with it). I know make friends with female avoidant partners who experienced the same from them. I’ve otherwise never had partners do that. Fearful avoidant also can swing from showing anxious attachment (which often comes with a very high sex drive) to avoidant, so if you experience both anxious and avoidant states this would track.
If it’s that, with the right help and some time and healing work, there are ways to address it even though it’s not easy. If it’s not that, and you don’t have maybe any history of being sexually abused and subsequent PTSD hanging out, then it is probably hormonal or biological and I’m angry at your early posts about dismissive doctors! But if you’ve looked into all those avenues already (since birth control and antidepressants are the obvious culprits), I’m not sure what else you can do besides more trial and error to find the right doctor who can actually help. The high testosterone also sounds like a contributor. But you’ve tested all your levels again?
Maddie
*male friends, not make.
Also… you don’t need to feel ashamed. You’re working on it and asking the right questions. It’s not totally uncommon for some people to have performance issues for a variety of reasons, we just don’t normalize it or discuss it enough as a society. But you’ve got nothing to feel ashamed about, it’s not ideal and it’s painful for you of course, but it’s also okay. Don’t let anyone you’re looking for help from make you feel otherwise.
Maddie
One other thing came to mind. If it is avoidant attachment issues, or something related to trauma, you can also look into trying Somatic Experience (SE) therapy. I’ve haven’t tried it but I’ve known people with avoidant issues who have had a lot of success with it (though I don’t know anything about their sexual drives). It’s basically identifying feelings and emotions and pain that were never processed and are stored and “stuck” in the body that you’re disconnected from. It’s not woo woo or reki or anything like that, it’s a therapy backed by scientific research and sometimes works better for people who haven’t found talk therapy to be helpful. It’s ultimately addressing the same things as talk therapy, just from a more physically-centered than cerebral way that works better for some people.
mama
You might want to try a [better] therapist. Just because you tried once, doesn’t mean it isn’t going to work. Find one that’s smarter than you — it will take a few meetings with other therapists. Do your research. Find someone who won’t let you control the narrative regarding your therapy. You seem to like control.
And be hesitant of people doing armchair diagnoses. This site is really rampant of it. Good luck friend!
mama
A sex specific therapist might help, too.
Caetru
I’m sorry your going through this. It must be very frustrating. Good for you for taking control of your sexual health. Sadly, there seems to be no straight answers when it comes to women and their sex drive issues. It’s a combination of psychological and physiological issues. Plus, being stressed about it has become another factor.
From what you’ve described I would guess there has been a change in your hormone level. Definitely get a full hormone panel test. Just be aware that what is considered “normal” levels may not be normal for you. If your hormone levels have changed, then the antidepressant and birth control may be having an effect on your sex drive whereas before hormone levels were high enough to override those side effects. Decreasing your antidepressant may help, but have you talked to your doctor about other non-hormonal means of contraception? I believe the non-hormonal IUD is as effective as birth control pills with no hormones, no need to take a pill everyday, and can remain in place for many years. Also, although I hate to suggest you throw more drugs into the mix, have you talked to your doctor about adding Bupropion or something similar to your meds? It has been shown to be effective at increasing libido when antidepressants bring it down.
If your your hormone levels have suddenly changed at the age of 30 it could mean something more is going on in your body that you need to discuss with your. I hope you can find some answers!
-
AuthorPosts
