I lost myself in this relationship. Am I to blame

What is he doing while you are ‘managing’ things?

Forget the ‘list.’ You need & deserve YOU time…

Are there chores you two can do together on your days off?

Hire a (house) cleaner.

Please get out of “blame” mode. It’s not about blame and if you keep making it about pointing fingers at who is to blame, you could actually lose this relationship. Shift your POV. You two have created a life together and right now you’re not happy with how the household chores are being divided and done, it isn’t working for you. That’s an issue for both of you to address together, collaborating not fighting.

Sounds like he works a lot. Ask him what he feels comfortable committing to doing. Could he be responsible for fixing dinner a couple of nights a week? Taking an hour or two on the weekend to clean alongside you? If he says he can’t or doesn’t want to, then ask him to commit budget to eating out/takeaway food and hiring someone to clean. If he isn’t open to that either contributing or paying for help, then you have a bigger issue – a partner who wants a full-time mommy/maid to take care of him completely and it’s your choice if you want to live your life in that role or not.

Also – he is not “helping.” It’s your household together. He has an equal obligation for getting things done at home, by default. By saying he’s helping, you’re admitting it’s all on you. There’s another important language and thinking change to make.

Finally, stop referring to working from home as a luxury. That implies you’re getting off easy somehow. It’s still WORK and you are responsible for doing your duties no matter where you sit. WFH doesn’t mean you should be expected to do more of the housework.

By taking it all on, you’ve trained him that you’re OK with that. He’s balking because he likes the status quo. If he cares about you and maintaining a harmonious household and relationship, he will step up. If he doesn’t, he’s telling you a lot about how he views you and you should consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life, because if you don’t stand up and make some changes together, you’re agreeing for this situation to continue. It’s your life – you get what you put in it. I realize that you don’t want to break up after seven years together. I hope it doesn’t become necessary. You just need to understand that if he really isn’t going to make any changes, you will have a decision to make about how you live the rest of your life and that it may not be in your best interest to stay with him.

I forgot to say, if he won’t ever walk the dog, then forget having a baby with him unless you’re prepared to do everything and I mean everything to raise the child. Walking the dog isn’t a big deal, takes 10 minutes. What’s his excuse for not doing it? Again, if he doesn’t want to do it then he can pay for a dog walker. Or you maybe need to find a better home for the dog.

I also meant to ask, your BF in the gym every single day after work?? If he is, that’s overkill and it’s not fair on you.

Thank you all for the replies
Completely agree , it is his house and I need to stop seeing it as “helping”
We have lived together for 6 out of 7 years
Since changing jobs , I’ve noticed more of our dynamics. When I had a 9-5 job we would clean together on Saturdays . But , I’ve always done all the cooking . And I’m getting over it . I’m a shift worker so I do get more days off so I feel like all I do on my day off is housework . And then I start resenting him . But also again understand he is at work 5 days a week while I am at work 4-3 days a week (longer hour days)
Since having a massive fight , he is showing that he is trying . We do have fights and then he gets better at doing tasks but then we go back to the norm.
I don’t want to end this relationship however I am also scared about what I’m in for if we have kids . I’m some way I think he’d be a great dad – he loves our dog , cuddles and plays with him and kisses him before he even kisses me . Just doesn’t walk him !
Are majority of men are like this with house work ?

So he likes to play with the dog but not actually take care of him/her – translation, he’ll play with your kids before he spends time with you and you will do all the feeding, diaper changing, laundry, caring for them when they’re sick, etc. That’s not a great dad. That’s lazy.

In the United States it’s normal that men participate in housework and childcare.

You seem to have some kind of guilt complex that keeps you doing all the work. So what if you work less?? That doesn’t excuse him from doing his share.

Again – how about hiring some help as you are both working??

And I would stop doing everything. Just stop. Let the laundry go undone, let the dishes pile up, etc. Clean what you used and only that. Stop cooking. Feed yourself, let him fend for himself in the kitchen. Don’t say anything, just do it. Actions speak louder than words.

You’ve spent years letting him believe you will do everything. It’s not going to change overnight. But you have to do something to break the fight/gets better for a while/goes back to status quo cycle. Try a written list of weekly duties on the refrigerator.

You need to take charge of this or you’re going to settle for being unhappy the rest of your life or at some point break up over another issue when the problem is really he takes you for granted and doesn’t respect you. If you can’t solve this you’re going to have trouble with other issues – add children into the mix and you’re in for a rough ride.