I love my boyfriend but he's cheap! What should I do??

To add on he is earning less than me, living with his parent, has no financial burden, have a good stable job and income. he is just a frugal person who only spend on basic things and wont buy anything unless is necessary.

Out of curiosity, is there a gentle way to discuss with a guy your dating that you would like him to pay?

I was dating this guy and in my mind I was thinking that if guy wants to date me he needs to be spending a bit more. What I mean is paying for dinner. We always split dinner but he always pays for my drinks. I’ve picked up a small dinner tab before and he was completely ok with it-he’s not cheap but to me it doesn’t give a provider vibe. What does everyone think about this?

Brenda-I guess the question would be how long you have been together? Would you say your a priority? I don’t have good advice for you (I’ll let the other ladies reply) but those questions come to mind.

That’s a good idea, thanks, I’ll try it! He has insisted paying before, but has not paid for dinner. He paid in full once but then next time I felt like I should pay and I paid the whole thing.

I have been offering to pay my half on everything-I felt like it was the appropriate thing to do (i.e. not expecting him to pay). What if I just stop offering? Would that be rude?

Unintentionally, I’ve been talking about things in general and I think he’s catching on that I’m a person who’s used to guys paying for me and that my expectations are pretty highly (honestly I quite high maintenance when it comes to money). I’m sure if I asked him to pay he would, but it’s kind of awkward lol.

Oh gosh, your taking me back to the cheap boyfriend I had at 25..lol

He had to be the worse. Everything was 50/50. It drove me bananas. I recall us going to Disney World and it was all 50/50…this can be ultimately impossible. One night I paid for dinner, the next night he paid. He had a fit the next day in the afternoon because he paid for margarita’s for us at Epcot Center. He felt it wasn’t even. You should do yourself a favor and drop him now before it gets worse. It’s not worth it and this type of guy wouldn’t be a good mate. Very immature and cheap. That was one reasons I ended the relationship. I’m now 34 and engaged to a very generous man.

Anonymous that sounds terrible! I would get so annoyed over that, I’m very generous with my money.

I’m on fence-it’s not 50/50 technically, he’s paid a lot more for me. We haven’t gone to dinner or anything like that for awhile, having a harder time gauging him. Maybe I’ll just end up stating what I want see how he reacts.

OMG, my (current) boyfriend was like this at the start! He is British too. I sat him down and said it was WAY embarrassing to be having this conversation as its not something I’ve had to do before but when a guy takes me out on a date I would expect him to pay for it. If thats not what he is into then fine but then he’s not for me. I didn’t care where we went $5 burger and beer but its the principle that matters. I agree with previous posters though… I have a good job and can afford some (not all) of the lovely things we do together but the willingness of a guy to pay is indicative of their interest in you.

Fast forward a year and my boyfriend is SO generous. He picks up 100% of the meals we have together and I will pick up the smaller things most of the time. He has taken me on holidays and we’ve had some incredible dates, he earns a lot more than me. It was uncomfortable at first as I was used to offering but eventually I got used to saying ‘thank you’ after he has picked up the tab.

One thing I will say is that you do have to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Whilst I didn’t know when I first say my boyfriend down I now know that he paid fully for his ex, she lived with him and didn’t contribute rent/ bills THEN she was studying so he started paying her a salary through his company so she could afford to live. As soon as the company started having problems she was out of there. Though he never said so as he was embarrassed at being taken for a ride OF COURSE he was going to be tentative and hold back… So I would recommend giving the guy the benefit of the doubt as they will have a full history you don’t know about.

RUN girl. I’ve been in relationship for 9 years with this guy. I saw all those sign in the beginning and it just gets worse. The resentment will destroy the relationship. I finally had enough. Same examples you gave… gets worse and worse.. so unattractive! Don’t settle!

Hi Mike, I appreciated reading what your wrote. This is difficult topic. On the one hand it seems that if a man doesn’t want to take a woman out and pay, he’s not that interested. That’s what we read everywhere and honestly it’s what it feels like. But there’s no reason he should pay always and forever, either.

I hate splitting the bill every time, it feels so “even-steven.” I hate that even-steven feeling. I like it to be a little more natural and organic. My boyfriend has paid almost every time when we’ve gone out–he grabs the check before it can hit the table, every time. When we’ve gone out afterwards I’ve gotten our drinks. Not as expensive as a nice dinner, of course.

He came over and helped me build something at my house (I paid for all the material) and I made a really nice dinner for him after, then the next time we went out I insisted on paying for dinner to thank him for helping me out with that project. We went to his friend’s BBQ the other day and he had picked up beer but told me the host had asked for wine so I asked him to stop at a store and I got the wine. I’ve given him little gifts, too.

The thing is, it feels so nice when he takes me out. It makes me feel like he cares about me and wants to take care of me. I can’t help that. When a guy pays or does things for me, it makes me feel loved. I dated a guy before him that I really liked, but from day one we split the bill evenly for every single thing, and it felt so…transactional.

But it’s very important to me that my boyfriend not feel taken advantage of. He’s had some bad experiences with women looking for a free ride because he has a lot of money. I’m independent and the opposite of looking for a free ride, and he respects me for that.

I guess my question for you is, in your mind do I really have to try to pay for every other meal when we eat out or split the tab evenly every time in order for things to be “fair”?? Or can it be more organic than that, as in I get concert tickets one time and the next time he does, without both of us keeping perfect track? I feel like anything else smells of one person waiting to be taken advantage of by the other. It seems like if both people care about and trust each other, it should all even out in the end. What do you think?

Mike-
It’s great to get a guy’s response on this! Definitely a hot topic.

I’m curious as to your thoughts on this, but I’ve been hearing a lot the the man and women should be equals when it comes to the relationship and money. But women are the ones having children (which IMO is quite a big thing to do-the pain and consequences of having children take a huge toll). So if everything except having children was 50/50, wouldn’t things really not be because of children? I was just curious on your thoughts on that?

Mike,

Thanks for responding. You wrote:

“When one person is contributing significantly more to the relationship than the other person, in my opinion, it’s exploitative.”

I completely agree with this. I just think it’s not always a matter of splitting a dinner check down the middle each time. I’ve made gourmet dinners that cost way more than a restaurant meal, and took a couple of hours to make, and I wouldn’t ever want to ask my boyfriend to help pay for half of the groceries. If there’s a good level of trust and respect I’m going to assume he’ll want to treat next time by taking me to dinner or cooking me dinner.

You said:

“Your reasoning is that it “feels so nice”. It would feel so nice if my girlfriend paid for my stuff also, but we respect each other, so we try to keep things pretty even. ”

This isn’t about respect, it’s about what makes people feel loved. Have you ever heard of love languages? According to the guy that came up with the theory there are 5 love languages and one is acts of service, meaning if my boyfriend changes the oil in my car or buys me dinner I feel loved. Not in a “it’s so nice kind of way” but in a “that’s how I experience love” way. Another love language is gift giving. That’s not my love language, you can buy me all the gifts in the world and it doesn’t make me feel loved. So it’s not about money. There’s logic and then there’s what makes people feel loved. Quality time is important to me too, so it’s not like I can’t feel loved any other way, but the point is to be with someone who wants to love you the way you need to be loved.

But you’ve given me something more to think about. To be honest, with the guy before my current boyfriend I really didn’t mind splitting the check, but after 8 dates or so it became clear he was really, really keeping track. We went to catch some live music after dinner one night and the cover was $8 and he paid his own and let me pay mine. One time we went for tea, and he paid for his and let me pay for mine. I prefer even with friends to take it more easy than that and take turns treating.

I can’t believe that girl#2 actually said that. Guys tell me that a lot of girls just want free food and I find that so hard to believe. My time is precious to me and I would never spend time with a man unless I actually liked him and enjoyed his company. I can buy my own food and would prefer to eat it alone or with someone I actually like.

So what do you think about how things should be split when there is a salary discrepancy? Say I make 150k a year, and he makes 100k a month? Do you still think we should split everything 50-50? (I”m not being sarcastic, this is a serious question.)

Aida,

Do I think the Op’s boyfriend was being exploitative in that one specific circumstance? Yes. But on the whole, meaning 99 percent of the time, if he’s contributing significantly more financially than he is, then she is the one being exploitative to him.

With regards to circumstances where there is a massive difference in pay, I would say it’s not necessary to split everything 50-50. Then again, in the example you provided, both people are incredibly wealthy, and I don’t see why either person would object to picking up a 50 dollar dinner. I suspect that’s merely an example and not an actual circumstance that you’ve been a part of (or even witnessed).

Personally, here’s what it boils down to. Women want to be treated as equals socially, economically, politically, etc. I agree and hope our society continues to move in that direction. And I, as a man, want to be treated equally in a relationship. I do not want to feel used financially. I want to know that the person I’m with actually enjoys my company, not contingent upon recieving free food or gifts from me. It does not make me effeminate for wanting to feel like an equal in a relationship – it makes me human.

Finally, regarding your point on childbearing, I think you raise a perfectly valid point that I had not considered. My response to you is that you will not be raising a child with every man you date, and thus, having every man you date paying for a majority of your stuff is illogical. In the circumstance where you are carrying the child of a man, then I think it is reasonable to ask him to bear a significant financial responsibility to offset your childbearing. I hope that makes sense. Admittedly I haven’t put much thought into your viewpoint and I expect my opinions on this specific situation to change the more that I think about it.

Lusi,

I don’t understand why you were bothered that the guy on the first date took the food to go. I think it’s good when people don’t waste food. I also don’t really understand being bothered by him asking for a discount. It sounds like he’s careful with his money and that’s a good thing! I understand you were turned off by it and I’ve heard many women are, but I don’t get it. I would be impressed with those things! And he paid for your trips.

Not keeping his word, that’s a deal-breaker for sure. And definitely get out sooner if you don’t respect a guy or think he’s stingy…1.5 years is a long time to stay with someone you’re not into.