I Offended Him With A Rude Text, Please What To Do?

Hi Lidia,

Sorry but I don’t think you’ll be hearing from him anytime soon. You made it clear that you want more from him than he was giving to you. And you didn’t respect him when he asked you to give him time, because you kept calling/messaging him about it, which is most likely why he completely stepped away.

I’m sure he misses you, but if he hasn’t been in contact than he doesn’t miss you enough. You may have viewed your relationship as more serious than he did. I wouldn’t contact him anymore.. you have apologized and reached out enough. If he wants to be in touch again, he will.

I think his response has less to do with what you said and more what it meant–you want and expect more from him.

He hasn’t healed fully from his divorce so he’s what we would consider emotionally unavailable. While he may want someone in his life, he’s not ready to have anything substantial with anymore.

I think whether you had expressed your feelings this way or another, the result would’ve been the same, he would’ve walked away. He’s not ready, plain and simple.

Also, stop having your friend keep tabs on him. It’ll only drive you crazy.

I think the real issue is much more than some message you sent him.
He is just recently out of a divorce and isn’t looking for anything serious. However, you are and he is sensing this.
The message was his convenient way of being able to put space between you two.
What I can say for the future is apologize once and let the person decide if they want to forgive you. Groveling is not ideal.
Lastly, instead of having your girlfriend stalk him on the website how about you two go out in your finest and met some people.

Lidia – I am sorry you are hurting. But I think there is still a chance for you to get him back. The good thing he is divorced, hence he understands women. But also as a divorced men, he understands that if a woman cannot control herself for 2 weeks while he is away, then there will be other problems in the relationship later on, and he wants to have a good and light time, he told you he enjoys laughing with you.

You are coming on too hard, with too much emotion and too much “my feelings are what matters the most to me”. Men are not like women. They can appreciate the detailed account of every little fear and worry you had that prompted you to make that rude voice mail, but they also think in terms of ACTIONS. What would you do next time if you get some fears or jealousy?

Another thing, you need to stop writing and expressing your concerns via distance of any kind, especially via email and texts, and voice mail with an angry message – he can listen to it several times !!. It always backfires. In my life this has always been the case. I always regretted it when I wrote an email or text instead of talking in person. There could be some circumstances where you need to write a letter, but those are for some major circumstances, not when you felt jealous or insecure for some reason.

Please try to see things from another person’s perspective. He is on vacation, having a great time, and then you come with your demanding and rude message, and then started apologizing and overdid it to the point that he felt suffocated.

When a female friend leaves you an angry message or shouts at you that you are not giving her enough attention, we women know what to do – we would hug her and tell her you care about her and we would buy her something, we know that all this “rudeness” is a cry for attention, nothing else, then we talk about every little feeling we’ve experienced, we laugh and cry and we forget it and go on as if nothing happened, maybe feeling closer to each other than ever. If you do that to a man, 90% of them will pull away, among them there would be some who would run away. Men would translate all your “feeling” words into “actions she would take later on”.

So right now, even though it is incredibly hard for you to do that, and believe me, most of us here on this forum been there, you need to stop all and every contact with him, including social media. You need to allow him to forget the “stress” he’s experienced from your “emotional attack” on him. He would date other women, but do not think that they all would be angels and that it is so easy for him to forget you (although he is certainly trying), so after some time, he would really miss you (if you are vanished completely, not if you continue to ping him in some ways). He then might contact you. If he does, sweetheart, please try to see things from HIS perspective, do not start apologizing again, telling him how you feel, do not start pouring all YOUR worries onto him. Just take it easy, be fun, laugh, give him some time to see that you COULD be different, do not bring anything heavy onto him. Take it slow. And next time, please constrain yourself, it is not all about you. If you really have a concern, wait until you see him in person, pick the time when he is not tired or worried about something like work, and gently probe him, gently ask for what you want, and do not ask 10 times, say it once, and then give him time to correct things, if he does not, then you can decide what to do next.

Thanks for your reply, Maria.
I’m not used to dating, and at the time I didn’t realised that I was being that rude nor that I was having some feelings for him. In fact, I realised those feelings only after asking myself several times why I sent him that rude message.

It hurts a lot that he dismiss me that easy and that quick, but sadly I did everything wrong.

I didn’t contact him from a week now, and I don’t plan to, nor do I want to know anymore about his whereabouts.

And if he comes round, I don’t know if I would like to be with a person that holds a grudge and can’t forgive me for this long (its been 3 weeks from that message, and 1 week with no contact from me).

I don’t think any of us can know for sure what he is thinking or feeling. However, based on his actions I don’t think he was interested enough in you – not enough for you to worry about this test you sent. I’ve found that if a man is really into me – it almost didn’t matter what I said to him – nothing would upset him (for long at least) or make him run away. I just don’t think he was as invested as you were. I think he liked the contact an friendship with you – but it seems he wanted casual. Thus, the minute things turned difficult – he ran.

I’m curious – the only time you saw each other was on Saturdays at the movies? Did you ever meet any of his friends? Or go to his house? The description of your time together seemed very regimented – a bit off to me. I can’t put my finger on it.

Thanks for your reply!
I once told him that I would be with free time in the middle of the afternoon, and he ask me to come to his office (I’ve met his coworkers there), and we grab a coffee in a shop.
I was the one who put him at arms length. He told me that he would like for me to come by his hose and invite me to dinner but he saw that I was clearly uneasy about that.

I was the one that insisted in that we were just friends, even with all that sexual tension between us.

I don’t think he’ll call me ever again. But even if he does, I don’t think I should accept to meet him again. The whole thing is clearly more upsetting to me than it was to him.

you said ” I’ve found that if a man is really into me – it almost didn’t matter what I said to him – nothing would upset him (for long at least) or make him run away”

I’ve been out of reach from last saturday, so 6 days up until today. How much time is too much? How much is “for long”?

Wait…I’m sorry. I must have missed the part where you said you were just friends and there was no intimacy. I thought you were dating this guy or in a relationship when I gave my advice. And then you start talking about being jealous and having feelings and not knowing how to deal with them. Why would any guy put up with this kind of drama and you getting all emotional and pouring your feelings out to him when YOU were the one who wanted this to be “just friends?”

Exactly. That’s why when I talk with him that last time, I told him that it was all my fault. That I was the one that got confused and that I owe him an apology. I told him that I never felt that way and that I never acted that irrationally (which is true). I told him that I just freak out and that he was just being nice.

Sadly, its true. I told him that I’ve never felt that way before, and I didn’t even realised that I felt that way up until I missed him “not like a friend”. I just realised that when I tried to understand why I was acting like a lunatic.

I never said that this was his fault, it was all on my bloody part.

First of all, all hope is NEVER lost. I’ve heard from guys I’ve dated only once YEARS later, explaining that they liked me but weren’t over their ex yet, blah blah. However, if you’re sitting around just waiting with them on your mind you never hear from them. It seems you only hear from a guy you really want to hear from once he’s out of your head and his name is the last name you expect to see on your phone when your text message indicator goes off. So, my advice is to stop contacting him completely. Delete his number from your phone if you think you might reach out in a moment of weakness. (If you can…my I-Phone keeps reinstating contacts I’ve deleted. Thanks, I-Phone). And I agree with the other posters that you should stop having your friend keep tabs on whether or not he’s on the dating site. That can only hurt you, and my motto is always “what I don’t know can’t hurt me.” Best case scenario, the no contact will give him the space he needs to sort things out because I also agree that just out of a divorce, he’s probably not ready for anything serious. Worst case scenario…the no contact will help you forget about him and move on from him. Good luck!

Girls bond over dialogue…boys over interaction…you were bonding and sharing and he was passing time…I agree with most of the girls here that he wasn’t showing more with his actions…and probably because he was recovering from his divorce…when he is seeking you out to hang out and bond face to face then you may have a chance at reconnecting…but as long as it remains electronic communication…it will be this way…him on vacation and you waiting for a Bing on your cell phone…=/