Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › I pay for everything in my relationship! What should I do?
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Honesty Rocks.
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Vonni
Hi Everyone, thank you for reading my post – my apologies for the length.
I started dating this (awesome at the time) guy and we’ve been together for about 10 months (he still considers me a friend with benefits although I wish he’d call me his gf). I started off our first date by paying for an afternoon movie and lunch.
All during the 10 months, we did a lot together…went to movies and eats (yes, I paid for it); he’d spend the weekends at my place and we’d chill with Comcast movies and pizza delivered (yes, I paid for the pizza and drinks); we’d go out to more eats and museums (yes, I paid for those too); and, one time, he was in financial trouble and needed $3000 (so I gave it to him…yes, GAVE it — no repayment)…even went to Monterey, CA (which is only a few hours away) and I paid for everything…$700 hotel, food, gifts he wanted in the store…EVERYTHING.
{Sigh} when we are together, he makes me feel like queen…he has a great body, is very intelligent, humorous…everything on my checklist for a man I want to spend the rest of my life with…however, he just doesn’t pay for anything and I’m to chicken-##it to say anything because 1) I’m afraid to lose him and 2) he knows I have a six-figure salary and can afford it.
So why am I posting this?
Because even though I know he’s using me in the financial range, I don’t know how to ask him to pay for ‘something’ every once in a while when we go out. Regrettably, he’s moved about 6 hours away, so the long distance is starting to affect things…also, thanks to Eric’s articles, it turns out he’s not really into me at all…doesn’t text like he used to…and if we do see each other soon, I know he’s not going to pay…ha, the last time I visited him, we even went grocery shopping, and when the cashier rang up $279 of food and things he threw in the basket, he asked if I swiped the card yet…ugh, I even gave him $1000 cash because his car was impounded.
I’m stuck on having a huge crush on this military guy…his body, mind and soul. Again when I’m with him, he makes me feel like $1M…but I’ve unfortunately enabled him that I pay for our time together…
Help! If I need a slap in the face, please let me know…I’m heartbroken now that he’s far away, yet angry and scorned that once, just once, he will never buy me anything or pay for our outings.
Beth
Oh sweets, I don’t know the guy and certainly do not wish to judge, but personally I think you are worth more; in what way does he make you feel like a queen? How does he show he cares and loves you for you? He has the elements you want, but how does he show you love? He may not have as much money but if a guy really like a girl, he’ll go out of his way for her. Have a sit down talk with him-don’t mention a ‘talk’but rather ease it in to convo-say you want equality in a relationship and feel abit used. Hope it works out in whatever is best for you xxx
Stefanie
You asked sweetie…
You need more than a slap in the face, you need a knock out punch.
Why do you undervalue yourself so much? You’ve made yourself into his financial doormat. This is extreme. AND this is LDR? Oh boy.
He will never buy you anything or pay for anything because you’ve trained him that he doesn’t have to. And you’ve trained him that his irresponsible behavior is perfectly OK and you will bail him out of anything.
Please get to a therapist to help you get out of this. You won’t do it alone and there is only so much help we can give you here.
Marie
I was getting more and more angry as I read your post. No self respecting man would allow and accept being kept by a woman. It shows his real character. you buying him things and paying for dates will not make him love or respect you. I know the attention feels wonderful and as you say, he makes you feel like a million $$$. You will not feel like a million dollars when he uses up all your money and break your heart. you are writing about this shows you are not happy with the situation and I am sure you know deep down he is using you for your money. How can you be sure that this man even likes you or wants to be with you? With all the money you are giving him, and spending on him without getting anything in return is a sure sign that he is only in this for financial gain. I actually feel very bad for you. You come across as desperate for his attention and approval, so you spend all this money on him hoping he will love you or develop real feelings for you. Sorry, it actually does the opposite. He has no respect for you, if he did he would not be using you so callously. I can bet that he would spend money that you keep giving to him on another woman that he really likes and wants to be with. You seems to be his meal ticket. If I were you I would bring it up in conversation with him, and hear what he has to say. In the men time stop giving him your hard earned money,and see how quickly the attention dries up. Sorry it is clear to see he is in it for the money, if you don’t mind paying for his attention and affection then continue to do what you are doing, but if you want to find out where you really stand, stop allowing him to financially exploit you.
Raven
Vonni,
If you’re going to pay a guy to be with you, at least find someone closer…You know what you need to do… You can do it, Good Luck!
Lagirl
He is using you and you know this. That’s why you posted.
You need to stop investing money in him. I doubt he will step up, because you created a basis for this relationship…do you really need us to tell you what to do?
Lagirl
By the way.. My guess is that you feel paying will keep him with you and you fear by not paying he will go away.
What a sad place to be in, because if a man wants you in his life, he will be the one trying to figure out how to pay for you.
Vonni
To you all who posted a reply, THANK YOU…I needed advice and you shared with your hearts and Sisterly attitudes….I’m grateful for your time so so much. I’m taking your suggestions seriously along with your womanly strengths too. God bless you all…(hugs)…I cannot thank you enough.
Jillian
This can not be real…Im sorry but this is just a mess…
R
This is terrible!!!! I think you need to end up, and set up a payment plan for him to repay you all of this.
This isn’t just a terrible way to be treated by your bf.. would you accept this from a friend? Of course you wouldn’t. It’s not an equal relationship at all. You need to just strap on a pair and say something – don’t be scared of the risk of losing him because the relationship is doomed anyway. (sorry!) x
R
end it*
HisPresence
LORD,
I don’t believe in the girl pay for everything, I also don’t believe in the guy pay for everything neither.In my relationship with my BF, it was split half half for us. Due to my boyfriend is a poor guy himself, he doesn’t make enough to pay for everything, and he have an old mother to take care of.
You stop pay for that guy of yours, stop spoil him. He clearly is taken advantage of you!
HarleyH
I’m not the type of person who would expect one person in the relationship to always pay. Its nice for each person to treat the other on occasion and of course its nice to be treated. If there are dynamics where one person is in a much stronger financial position than the other than it can make sense that they pay more often. but I strongly believe its the thought that counts – that the other person is showing some effort in trying to contribute what they can and when they can, even if its little gestures. Sadly your dude doesn’t seem to be doing this at all and is in fact EXPECTING you to take care of his finances.
in your heart of hearts I’m sure you have asked yourself – would he stick around if you weren’t bankrolling him? You probably already know the answer to that. You need to find someone who treats you like a queen regardless of the money. You just need to let this one go. Hope you are ok x
mariel
So wait, Vonnie, what ended up happening?
Janeen
It’s almost 2 years later Mariel…
Sus
I once had a “relationship” where the guy refused to pay this and that. He did pay very little and was so stingy to me. Whenever I raised the issue, he just said: I am not calculative..talking about money is not good.
He was jobless that time but he had enough saving and I was earning very little and got me in credit card debt..once he had a job..he said to me: u were dating me cause u know I will be succesful one day..but karma got him back..he is not able to be “that succesful ”
It was a very painful memory and I learnt my mistake to not undervalue myself and use my hard earned money to treat myself.
Erin
I’m currently in the same situation. Its frustrating cause he does not have the same income that I have, Im not rich but I like date nights, going out to dinner and a movie and he can’t afford it. And im not talking extravagant, Im talking applebees and a movie and a few drinks. Im at a loss, we have been dating for 8months and he does little things for me financially, brings me coffee and sometimes pays for small things like parking when we go to places. I love him to death but we have not moved in together, he lives in a nice apartment that his work pays for. He pays utilities and a ridiculous car payment for a 2016 jeep wrangler Sahara 4 door (525) a month. Am I stupid??? He gets up to go to the bathroom every time the check comes at dinner. I have mentioned this to him and he has told me, I cant afford to go out for dinner on the weekends- and this is not every night this is twice a week. Its so hard cause I love going out and having social time, dinner, movies, Do I throw in the towel and leave him cause he cant give me those things? Do I continue to just keep paying for it and make my bank account go down or do I sit back and spend my weekends curled up with him eating Ellios Pizza and drinking cheap beer?
Amanda
Find someone who respects you more. If he can afford that car payment he can afford dinner. I have been with guys who barely make anything and they find a way to pay. A guy who really likes you will not do this. Move on it will only end badly.
Janet
I dated a guy for a short while with 4 kids! He could just about manage to go halves on dates – which were only sporadic as he couldn’t afford to go out regularly. I did start to resent him a bit in that l wanted a bf who l could go out and experience new things with….l did end it, it wasn’t fair for him either being under pressure to go out. Lesson learned for me – don’t date a guy on a much lower income, l think it is hard to feel equal. Kids or not.
Jojo
I ran across this thread which might be as old as time and I felt like it resonates so much with me. I don’t know how to bring it up anymore. I’m paying for our dates because I like to go out and explore things but he doesn’t even offer. He eats my food when he’s at my place, doesn’t bring anything with him and when I’m going at his, the fridge is empty and he’s like oh, I forgot to go shopping. I ended up bringing food with me when I go visit as I need to eat when I’m hungry.
I feel like I’m his fun and expenditure pocket while he’s saving up to pay off his mortgage. I feel like I’m drowning in ever rising debt as I can’t keep maintaining my expenses and him too.
Otherwise, he’s warm as a person, cuddly and the sex is great but I resent that I can’t reach my financial goals faster due to a dead weight caused by me wanting to spend time with him.#I should dump him really.
Raven
@Jojo- Really YES!
And, Why are you doing this?!
tammy
when you feel this way, why are you paying for the both of you? i can understand when things are tight financially, you can go dutch so its easier for both. but when things are anyways not very comfy financially for you, why are you paying for him which is adding to your increasing debt, while hes saving what he shld be spending for his expenses? I am sorry but whether you like it or not, you should put your foot down and make it clear you take turns in paying or you go dutch. i am sure that we will disappear once you make it clear that you will no longer be footing his share of the expenses.
Rox
Hi Jojo,
You really deserve better. A guy with an empty fridge is a pure bachelor who either orders takeout or goes out to eat. Therefore he can spend a bit of money!If you still want him as a companion friend, there are many free activities to do together like: taking a walk, biking, hiking, swimming, public gardens, public exhibitions, playing tennis at an outdoor court, basketball, volleyball, going to the beach, .. Don’t invite him over. Show him the line, that he is only a friend until he invests in you. Personally, I would just move on.
Candy
I found this old thread and thought I would give it a go.
I have recently seperated after a 20 year relationship with a difficult man.
I then met a sweetheart 21 years younger than me, yes I know ouch, and we have been together for 5 months now.
I have spoiled him from the start, pay for everything, bought him a car, he practically lives with me…..he never asked for anything, its on me.
I have lost track of my finances and has spend about 80% of my settlement money after 5 months. cant belief i have lost myself like this.
I now need to have the difficult naked money conversation with him and I am scared to death on how to approach it. I cant even compare what we earn, he less than 10% of what I earn, i cant ask him to pay for when we go out but i also cannot keep up with this spending.
Any advice on how to approach this. thanksRaven
Candy, You’re a Sugar Mama… Buy him a parting gift.
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