I removed him from social media in order to heal

Last week my 5 month relationship broke up. Although it was a relatively short union, it still made me sad and disappointed. Here is a bit of background:

I met the man (50 year old) on a dating app. Prior to that, it took me 14 months to heal from a previous 4 year relationship, which I believe was a bit toxic. I took time out to work on myself and gain self love and respect. I’m 43 with 3 teenaged children. I have a professional job and I’m financially secure. When I met the man in question 5 months ago, I felt ready to meet someone and to give love another go. The first few weeks were good. There was the usual (what I now presume as love-bombing) complements of ‘you’re so effortlessly beautiful’, ‘where have you been?’, ‘you have put such a smile on my face for the last few weeks, here is to many more’, ‘I think I’m falling for you’. Without coming across needy and demanding (at least that’s what I think I had achieved), I tried to share with this man my vulnerabilities and insecurities that stemmed from past experiences. In a nice way, I tried to set my boundaries around trust and honesty in order to protect my heart and prevent repeating past mistakes. We arranged two weekends away and we even started discussing an overseas trip in March next year.

Then something changed about 4 months in. The communication started getting less. The loving and flirty texts were replaced with more one-liners and ‘business-like replies’. I have to say that they were hot and cold, and I came to realise that they only heated up a bit more towards an arranged evening together when sex would be on the table. After such an evening, they would dwindle again. I started noticing this pattern right until the end.

We ended up going away for both weekends as mentioned above. The first weekend occurred when things were still fine between us. The second weekend had been 2 weeks ago, a few weeks after I started noticing a shift in his behaviour. However, even this weekend was fine and we had a lot of fun – and of course, a lot of sex.

One thing which I had noticed about him was his vanity and that he may be going through a slight midlife crisis. He loves taking selfies and lately he’s placed a badge on his bathroom mirror which says ‘hey there handsome’. After his last breakup and turning 50, hie bought himself a brand new red Ducati motorbike. He also has a woman’s underwear collection which I came across when I was getting ready for work one morning. That was not fun to find, and gave me a slightly uneasy feeling. I shifted it aside and just assumed they were his ex’s (whom he broke up with about a year ago). Apparently she had anger problems and verbally abused him in front of his young kids (now 11 and 8), and he had to kick her out. She was 17 years younger than him and they lived together for 12 months. In total they were in an 18 month relationship. He is also not on good terms with the mother of his kids ( his ex wife). He made no secret about the fact that he loves women’s underwear and finds it extremely sexy. Again, I didn’t make anything of it, because we had a great sex life together and we talked about lots of things. I even tried to wear sexy underwear when we were together.

A few times when we went out he would tell me that he noticed heads turn when we enter somewhere, meaning that people were looking at me. Even during our last weekend away, when we were at a wine and food festival, he commented on the amount of attention I was receiving. I do pride myself in my unique fashion sense and I love dressing bohemian and gypsy. This festival was the perfect opportunity for me to have fun with that and be bold. Some people even commented on us as a cute couple, as we were very ‘lovey-dovey’ during the festival. One comment he made which I also remember particularly was, “You are getting so much attention, we are getting attention together…but I’m not getting any by myself”. At the time I did not think much of it and thought he was just joking. However, now I’m wondering. He also mentioned that he should not go off and leave me alone as I would be taken by a hot young dude. Also, a presumably tongue in cheek comment.

The day we drove back from our last weekend together (7 hour drive), I had noticed that he was a bit quite. However, what I noticed more, was that after he initiated sex with me that morning, he did not touch me again, except for kissing me goodbye when we arrived home. Although I felt it in my gut, I tried to push it aside as mere driving fatigue and exhaustion after the weekend. This was Monday. I did not hear from him again until Friday, when I contacted him to break it off.

I tried to phone him on Friday evening and he declined my call. He texted back straight away to say that he was playing with his kids, chat later. Before I proceed, please know that I am also a parent, and I will never consciously try to sabotage someone’s time with their children. In the past when things had still been fine, he would not hesitate to contact me-or even call me-while his children were home and doing their own thing. We were both respectful of our respective time with our children. He only started using his time with them (and his work) as an excuse when things started fizzling out. Anyway…I texted him saying “I’m sorry, there will be no later. It is not working for me”. He replied saying “Oh ok, I don’t know what to say to that. I am prioritising my kids right now, but if you want to end things, that is fine”.

I sent him a voice message saying that I knew that something was drastically wrong when I had not heard from him since our weekend away. I proceeded saying that I had been very clear from the start that I just want him to be honest with me, no matter what the outcome, but that he has failed with this. In his last voice message he obviously denied that he had been dishonest. He went on saying that he had always been completely honest and had never lied to me or hidden things from me. He said that he admitted that the last week of no communication was strange and it was as much on me as it was on him, and that maybe I was hiding something too. He also said (which I think is a bit contradictory with the whole honesty card), that things had been fizzling out for the last few weeks anyway, and with all these very strange and deep conversations lately, it is probably best if we call it a day.

I have worked so hard on myself since my last relationship, and I am so disappointed in myself for getting in this place again. He texted me on Monday to arrange an exchange of possessions. We settled on him picking up his things from my house and leave my stuff in a safe outdoor spot. Because I know how I felt in previous situations, I decided to remove him from my social media and block him on WhatsApp. I emailed him with information about the drop off/pick up location, and I asked him to let me know by email when he will be coming over. I will obviously make sure that I am not home when this occurs.

Although I have done all this to try and heal and start protecting my heart again, I still feel empty and sad. I have spoken to friends and family and everyone is very supportive. However, it’s such a yuck and disappointing situation to be in. I guess I am writing this to vent to ladies who have been in similar situations and who could offer some moral support and advice.

Thank you and I apologise for the ridiculously long post.