I said I love you and he didn't say it back

Niki.. relax. You can;t undo. it’s DONE. Forget it. STOP thinking. you can’t assume you know what he feels/thinks/wants etc.. only him telling you will clarify that.. and if you believe him.

No more texting. LOTS of journal. LET him follow through on the next move, if any. IF no move.. you have your answer.

Honestly… you will tie yourself up in knots. Release your mind, let it all go, a controlled practice. What will be , will be. Don’t force it, or back you or him into a corner.

“I’m just so confused on what to do. Do I put up with this until he relaxes and is over this freak out stage or move on now or wait until he disappears himself? ”

DO NOTHING. Just live your life, enjoy your life, you do have a life outside of him, right? If not, go work on building it up. Doing less in relationships is sometimes worth more than doing more. Right now he needs you to do less to feel safe enough to come back to you with some assurance that you might have regained some emotional balance which you actually have not yet.

And neediness and emotional outbursts can kill a man’s attraction for a woman instantaneously. Men are attracted to confident women who are emotionally balanced, well at least men worth dating and considering a relationship with are. So you really do need to work on becoming emotionally balanced. Your emotions are on such a high, you are acting as if this is a life or death situation on whether this man choses you or not. There will be other men, there will be other dates, he is not the last man on earth, you ARE still being needy because you act as if you need him to react a certain way or you can’t be ok with this. You are in a panic and you havn’t even known this guy too long. Perhaps you are more addicted to him than actually feeling love for him. Love isn’t desperate, love is happy, calm, trusting.

Perhaps you should seek counseling with a therapist to work on your self-esteem and attachment issues, these are issues that do not go away very quickly and sometimes working on them with a therapist is more effective than working on them alone. I only say this because whether it works out with this guy or now you will face the same issue you are dealing with now in every future relationship with men until you learn some coping and communication skills. The issue might not arise the same way but it will show up somehow. I still believe that with the right man nothing you do or say will scare him away, but emotional balance and self-esteem to know you can live with or without this guy is critical for a healthy relationship.

And yes, Ivy, I need to work on my issue with insecurity. You see they are deep rooted in me from when I was a child. I have talked to therapists and tried various other healing techniques but its the hardest thing in the world to overcome. I’m trying this journaling thing and believe it or not its helping me not to text and I feel like I’m getting some of these emotions out. I feel the same way when I post on here. I know I sounds a little cray cray but its just because these emotions are bottled up inside. You can only keep them in for so long.

I do not agree 4 months is too short to commit. My bf said he loves me 2 weeks into our relationship, now we are not even 4 months and he asks me when we can get married every week. He is trying to talk me into marriage by the end of this year.

if I were you, Niki, I would completely stop talking about him including stop coming here to look for solution, and go out to meet other men. You don’t need to put yourself on hold for a man who isn’t sure about you. And he is just not that important when he won’t commit to you, why do you want to discuss about him every single day? Raise your self-esteem 100% and leave him behind. If he comes around, that will be the time you start to think about your future with him or without, not now.

Good for you Andrea but I’m pretty sure that comparison is not the support Niki needed to hear right now. Every person and every relationship works on a different timeline. Niki simply got ahead of her guy in the timeline. Let’s try to support HER on her thread. Why can she not come here to vent and look for support?

Even the most rational of women have these moments. Don’t beat yourself up, and I personally don’t think you need to seek counseling or therapy unless this is constant pattern in your life, and it extends into other areas.

Take a deep breath, keep on doing what you do in your day to day life, and know that you can’t control the actions of others. Only yourself. :)

I appreciate the support you all are giving me. I think this is the hardest because I had just moved to a new city about 5 months ago and then started dating him. So he’s been my stability in a new environment. I dont have my girlfriends here or family so I’ve been talking with them on the phone but thats not enough really. I dont have an outlet so that I can have a night where I have a blast and dont think of him. Im going to try and meet new friends this weekend with a meetup group or go out with colleagues but im definitely feeling not in my element. I think I will also spend a lot of time working out this weekend and trying to sweat out the stress and get back to me. He canceled on me for this weekend but is still texting me.. why? If he’s over it I wish he would just let me know. I hate having to pretend like everything is OK when its not. Id be OK if we talked about it. But I know a ‘talk’ would not be a good idea right now.

Niki, Have you purchased Eric and Sabrina’s book from this site, called “He’s not the complicated?” If you haven’t, I HIGHLY recommend that you do! It’s about $40 if I recall correctly BUT! regardless as to the price it was HONESTLY THE BEST money I have ever spent in a LONG ASS TIME!! It really, really helped me understand a lot about my bf, about myself and how I looked at relationships in the past. I’m still learning and I’ll probably read this book as well as the lil mini books that come with it, over and over again. It was seriously worth the investment! And it will easily answer all your questions that you’ve been asking here.

I totally understand where you’re coming from when you say that you have a lot of confidence in your career but not so much in your personal life. I was (and still kinda am) the same way but I’ve gotten better. I now hold myself at a much higher level than I ever did before. I now realize that I AM THE PRIZE DAMMIT! I’m trying my very very best to not put my bf up on that pedestal because I belong there not him! I used to chase him and my past relationships A LOT! and I used to treat my relationship like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for it to explode, walking on edge, ready to cry at any moment..But I don’t do that anymore. I don’t freak out when I don’t hear back from him, to be honest, I rarely initiate contact anymore. I mirror his actions BUT every now and then I might throw him a bone, just for good measure lol.

I starting to come to a place in my life where I no longer feel like I NEED a man in my life and that only came about when I realized my self worth. Once I realized how valuable I was and that I’m the one that should be pursued, chased, put on a pedestal, I suddenly got this new found confidence, and with this confidence I started to take care of myself, not just internally but physically too. I went back to the gym, I’m reading more, hanging out with my gfs more…It just all naturally happened. And now I don’t stress the confusing and small sh*t in my relationship. If he decides to go silent on me, well guess what! He aint going to hear from me until he’s ready to contact me, NO WAY am I going to chase a grown man. And THAT confidence, is what attracts my man to me. He KNOWS I do not need him, rather I want him.

Niki, you have to be ready to take on this new change and by the sounds of you, you are. If you’re able to get your hands on a credit card or if you have one, GIRL GO BUY THAT BOOK! I promise you, it will change the way you think!! :)

And no, I’m in no way advertising that book for Erica and Sabrina LOL! I’m just a plain Jane from Canada who happens to totally believe in what that book has to say. :) Hey, if it helped me, I’m sure it can help many other women too! :)

Ivy….I went back and re-read, and saw after the fact.

So yes, based on that fact that I wasn’t aware of prior to my comment, I agree counseling would be good idea. Definitely more than just an issue based on JUST this guy.

It’s not a matter of how many exclamation points you use in a text and you can be the prize without necessarily making him think something has drastically changed or something is wrong. It’s all about your state of mind. The drama is coming from you jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst out of fear of rejection by him and that is not serving you well and has made you send needy texts in the recent past. The important thing to remember and believe in is that you will be fine with or without him. I love my boyfriend very much but I know for sure that if for some reason, something were to happen and we were to not work out in the long run, I’d be ok. The world would continue spinning, I would still have my life to live and I may or may not find someone else one day. You don’t NEED him. You don’t need anyone to make you happy. Only you are capable and responsible for that. No matter what, you will be ok. All that said, I still don’t think it’s all over between you two. xo

Niki, if he’s still texting and still says he misses you, it’s not at bad as you think. My BF cancelled a trip we planned in December after asking for some space and I flipped out because I jumped right to “he is breaking up with me” (which lead me here and I found out how to speak Male), and it turns out his son is having problems at university and he just needed to use the last bit of holiday time he had to be able to go visit with him rather than go on our trip. Absolutely nothing to do with me, still loves me. I’ve given him space for a few weeks and he’s been sending nice emails (we don’t text) and asked to see me next week. In this time, I’ve addressed the issues within me that would cause me to wig out that way. What I’ve come around to is getting so centered that whatever is going on outside me does not bug me for more than a few minutes. You can do this. When you are no longer scared of “losing” him or losing anyone for that matter, because you know you are a good person and you are OK no matter what, is the time you get so attractive no one wants to leave!

If your BF is your only point of stability in a new town then it’s perfectly understandable you’ve gotten a bit over focused on him. Do you know about Meet Up dot com, maybe see if there are some groups that interest you on there in your town. Most of the activities listed there are free and it will help you develop your interests and set of friends. Or you could volunteer or start attending church, if that appeals to you. I’ve done well with all of this in my new home area (came here after divorce and had to rebuild life).

I’ve had really good results from EFT and EMDR vs talk therapy. Look those up, perhaps those could help. Quicker than talk therapy. I exercise every day, which is clinically proven to help depression and anxiety, which perhaps you could a little of (not a doctor though this is not medical advice).

Be patient with yourself. You can change. Look at it this way, this is a great growth opportunity for you. Whether he stays or goes. If he does go… well, then you will get it right the next time off what you learned here. The vibe you send off now he will pick up on, so think good thoughts about yourself and him.

Niki, ”

“So here’s a questions- if I’m the prize.. then how do I become the prize without making him think something is wrong or has changed?”

The questions isn’t IF you are the prize, the question is SINCE you are the prize. And you don’t BECOME the prize, you recognize that you ARE the prize. You were born with worth and lovability, you just need to see that first and act accordingly. And it’s not an ACT, it is a BELIEF, once you BELIEVE it, you will project this naturally. Knowing you are the prize does not change WHO you are, it enhances WHO you are already, it shines a light on you, so to speak. Therefore, you really can’t ACT like the prize until you believe it. However, you might as well fake it until you make it.