I slept with someone else while we were casually dating

You’re allowed to feel however you want! You may just need to chalk this up to incompatibility and rethink the relationship. It sounds like he prefers to date exclusively right from the start, probably because his ego and insecurities can’t handle it otherwise (not your fault nor should it be your problem!), while you wanted to be sure he was the right match for you before committing.

You can’t do anything at this point because he either needs to process things, be an adult and work with you to stay together, or not. Him punishing you, saying mean things, and turning this into a power play means he doesn’t resolve conflict well with you. Instead he lashes out at you unacceptably when upset, which is a really good reason to let this relationship go.

The point of being exclusively boyfriend/girlfriend is to continue building the connection and exploring compatibility without other people getting in the way. Unfortunately, you’ve discovered issues that may be dealbreakers, it just took a little while to find them and that’s okay. That’s the point of getting to know someone before moving in etc. I don’t agree with Raven that you shouldn’t have told him, because while it’s true it wasn’t his business, it’s still really important to be honest and direct so you can find out sooner if there are incompatibilities like this and don’t waste more time finding out the same thing much later on. But I agree with everything else Raven said!

Hi all,

Thank you for your responses.

The thing is I don’t want to break up with him, and neither does he. It’s just that whenever we argue he will bring this incident up in a snide manner although it is totally unrelated.

So recently, he was finally able to tell me that he’s bothered by it all along. It’s just unfortunate that the timeline collides in our earlier days. Now he can’t even reminisce on our earlier days without a bitter days in his mouth cause of what has happened.

I just want to work through this and not give it up. Yes it may be incompatible in terms of dating style but I think we’re past that and are officially together now. I don’t plan to break up with him over this for now.

In 6 months from now when he throws this back in your face, how you gonna feel?

In 1 year from now when he throws this back in your face, how you gonna feel?

Jane, you asked for opinions. You’re rejecting/ignoring what three people have contributed.

So…what were you hoping to hear?? Hang in there, he’ll come around????

He’s been consistently throwing this in your face for months. He’s admitted he’s been bothered by this all along. There’s nothing you can do – this is a problem in his head only. Instead of appreciate your honesty, he’s punishing you for it. You’re at a total impasse. This is a black/white matter with zero gray area. He refuses to/can’t let it go and stop bringing it up. There’s really nothing to “work through”, can you see that? I understand neither of you wants to break up, but how do you think you two can continue like this? It’s very unhealthy. And unsustainable.

Ask yourself. How much more of this abuse – and it IS abuse – are you going to take before you walk? How much more time are you going to waste, that you can’t get back? No one and no relationship is worth this kind of stress and grief and frustration.

But, do what you want. Let us know how it goes. Sorry, I wish there were some way to make it work but it just won’t. He’s got a picture of you in his head having sex with someone else and it’s never going away. That’s ruined you for him. That’s the bottom line.

I was on a receiving end of this exactly the same thing.

When my partner decided he wanted us to be exclusive and serious, he also told me he had been ‘chatting’ with this other girl, but nothing else happened.
two years later mutual friend slips up and I found out he had in fact went out and had sex with her like 3 times.

He was afraid of losing me, so he lied partly to start up with me.
I was furious beyond control, I wanted him to really suffer, and I managed to do that I think with verbal retaliation, I don’t know if I hurt him as a person at foundational level. I don’t feel good about this but I needed to at the time.

we are still together 4 years on. why? because I observed his remorse and had countless difficult conversations, many times questioning if he’s worthy of my trust again, and if I was capable of trusting him again. Both of us are in therapy and that’s also been helpful.

sometimes I still fear that he could do it again, but no facts or evidence supports this. We now have a very open book communication about everything, like being able to open one another’s mobile (not that I actually ever do it but I can if I wanted to).

Your partner is acting out towards you and treating you differently because you are not the same person to him anymore.

You want to earn his love again? You need to repair what you have broken first.
Trust between the two of you, and your integrity as a person from his point of view.

You caused the damage, so it’s up to you to do the work to repair these, not his.

If you really want to be with your partner, ask him what he needs and wants, and give that to him, no questions asked, with no expectation of end date.

Anything less than that, doesn’t deserve a second chance.