Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I slept with someone else while we were casually dating
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Raven.
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Jane
Hi,
Just wanted to ask for opinions on a current issue between me and my bf.
My bf and I have been together for 6 months. We started dating in May and got together in July.
Between May and July, our casual dating life went pretty great. We got along well but I was clear in my position that I’m not ready for us to be exclusively dating. He on the other hand made it pretty clear that he was serious with me and only me. We had plenty conversations where I had explained that my options were still open and that we had only recently got to know each other for me to only be focusing on him.
After we got together in July, I decided to tell him that I met with someone in June and slept with him. I told my bf that I didn’t want to start this relationship hiding things from him and that if he wanted to rethink his decision with me, he could. He was of course hurt, and we spent days afterwards trying to process his emotions.
Now in January 2025, he’s telling me that he can’t get over the hurt. He said he’s been trying to hide it but it comes to the point that every argument we have will remind him of that one incident I had told him about. He’s even more upset that after the night that I slept with someone, it was the very next day that I told him I have decided that I want to only focus on him exclusively. On my part, I didn’t think about how this had affected him I guess. I just thought that that incident gave me great clarity that I have developed feelings for my bf then and gave me the desire to pursue things more seriously with him. That was why I didn’t wait it out as I was excited to tell him that I only wanted to date him exclusively from then on.
Even so, in July when we talked through everything, he still decided that he wanted me. Now he’s saying that he can’t get over the hurt.
I’m not sure what to do to help him get over the hurt. Or how should I be feeling. I’m confused because his hurt have caused him to say nasty things to me and treat me differently than before. I’m made to feel like I should be earning his love back. Or should I not feel this way??
Raven
Sorry @Jane, There’s really nothing that You can do to help him ‘get over the hurt.’
& now he’s punishing you- this has become toxic. Walk away…
Next time, keep things like this to yourself. It was really none of his business.
Maddie
You’re allowed to feel however you want! You may just need to chalk this up to incompatibility and rethink the relationship. It sounds like he prefers to date exclusively right from the start, probably because his ego and insecurities can’t handle it otherwise (not your fault nor should it be your problem!), while you wanted to be sure he was the right match for you before committing.
You can’t do anything at this point because he either needs to process things, be an adult and work with you to stay together, or not. Him punishing you, saying mean things, and turning this into a power play means he doesn’t resolve conflict well with you. Instead he lashes out at you unacceptably when upset, which is a really good reason to let this relationship go.
The point of being exclusively boyfriend/girlfriend is to continue building the connection and exploring compatibility without other people getting in the way. Unfortunately, you’ve discovered issues that may be dealbreakers, it just took a little while to find them and that’s okay. That’s the point of getting to know someone before moving in etc. I don’t agree with Raven that you shouldn’t have told him, because while it’s true it wasn’t his business, it’s still really important to be honest and direct so you can find out sooner if there are incompatibilities like this and don’t waste more time finding out the same thing much later on. But I agree with everything else Raven said!
AngieBaby
Jane, your wish to be totally honest with him about sleeping with someone else was honorable and admirable. But it was TMI. It occurred during a period while you were not exclusive with him and therefore what you did was irrelevant. You were not obligated to disclose it and frankly, you shouldn’t have. He’s now got a picture in his head of you, his beloved, with someone else and he can’t shake it. A lot of people are like that, particularly men. If he can’t get past it by now, he’s never going to. There’s nothing you can do to help him and it’s not your fault. He shouldn’t be throwing it in your face all the time. This relationship is over, unfortunately. Break it off, grieve the loss and don’t look back or take him back if he comes around in a few months saying he’s sorry and he misses you. You’ll only wind up in the same place. Lesson: do not discuss sexual history. No matter what they say about it’s no big deal or I can handle it. They can’t. Again, it puts a picture in someone’s head they often can’t erase.
Jane
Hi all,
Thank you for your responses.
The thing is I don’t want to break up with him, and neither does he. It’s just that whenever we argue he will bring this incident up in a snide manner although it is totally unrelated.
So recently, he was finally able to tell me that he’s bothered by it all along. It’s just unfortunate that the timeline collides in our earlier days. Now he can’t even reminisce on our earlier days without a bitter days in his mouth cause of what has happened.
I just want to work through this and not give it up. Yes it may be incompatible in terms of dating style but I think we’re past that and are officially together now. I don’t plan to break up with him over this for now.
Raven
@Jane, re-read what @AngieBaby wrote… Do you think you deserve this treatment?
Raven
In 6 months from now when he throws this back in your face, how you gonna feel?
In 1 year from now when he throws this back in your face, how you gonna feel?
Maddie
You’re not past incompatibility, that was the earliest sign of it not the only sign. Now you can’t resolve a problem together (and he’s not doing it on his own), and he’s being mean to you about it and bringing it up over and over during other conflicts. You haven’t worked out anything. It’s great you two like each other and *want* it to work, but that doesn’t mean it’s enough if you can’t argue fairly and resolve conflict effectively. Lack of trust + incompatibility in solving problems are gigantic issues to overcome, especially only 6 months in.
I wish you luck with the situation, though!
AngieBaby
Jane, you asked for opinions. You’re rejecting/ignoring what three people have contributed.
So…what were you hoping to hear?? Hang in there, he’ll come around????
He’s been consistently throwing this in your face for months. He’s admitted he’s been bothered by this all along. There’s nothing you can do – this is a problem in his head only. Instead of appreciate your honesty, he’s punishing you for it. You’re at a total impasse. This is a black/white matter with zero gray area. He refuses to/can’t let it go and stop bringing it up. There’s really nothing to “work through”, can you see that? I understand neither of you wants to break up, but how do you think you two can continue like this? It’s very unhealthy. And unsustainable.
Ask yourself. How much more of this abuse – and it IS abuse – are you going to take before you walk? How much more time are you going to waste, that you can’t get back? No one and no relationship is worth this kind of stress and grief and frustration.
But, do what you want. Let us know how it goes. Sorry, I wish there were some way to make it work but it just won’t. He’s got a picture of you in his head having sex with someone else and it’s never going away. That’s ruined you for him. That’s the bottom line.
Raven
ps: @Jane, Your sex partners are none of anyone’s business, except yours… Again, Next time, keep things like this to yourself.
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