I snooped and now don’t know what to do

There must be other red flags that motivated you to snoop, right? It’s not good to do, but the impulse usually reflects that there are already underlying trust issues threatening the relationship. And then you found even more than you expected! So it’s probably time to listen to your gut about the type of guy he is and end things…

If I feel a tug in my gut to snoop, there’s always been a good reason. We women KNOW when something is off.

I’m trying to put myself in his shoes. He dated someone casually who got pregnant and she decided to have and keep the baby. (Presumably she lives in another country or is she a foreigner living in your country?) It sounds like he is not going to be part of that child’s life, at all, and that decision was made right when you got together. He may feel for that reason, he isn’t obliged to tell you – I’m guessing that’s the case. If you saw this text telling his friend he’s told the baby mama he’s cutting contact, it sounds like it wasn’t necessarily a mutual decision, he’s decided he’s out and that’s it. He’s going on with his life. How old are you two? He may not be thinking about the future when this child could possibly turn up on his doorstep.

There’s really no way to have a discussion unless you admit you were snooping. And he may break up with you over that, would you be prepared for that to happen? You could tell him honesty is very important to you and as your relationship is strong and you are in love and you see a future with him, you want to clear the decks about a few things. Admit you snooped and tell him you’d like to hear the whole story about this child, because if you’re going to be together, then this child could become an issue. And if you have a child together, that child will have a sibling. This will be a very challenging discussion. It will break you up or bring you closer together.

On the other hand, if you already know for sure you couldn’t be with someone who for any reason denied his own child, then you need to just end it without explanation other than you don’t see a future with him.

I once dated a man who told me in month two of us dating that he and a past GF had a child while they were in college, unplanned pregnancy, and they chose to give that child up for adoption. All parties agreed it was a closed adoption so it’s not likely the child would come looking for him someday. I was surprised but appreciated the honesty. It didn’t affect how I felt about him.

I’m guessing your guy may be struggling with how to handle this and that’s why he’s not saying anything. But it doesn’t make it OK.

Your call. Personally, I’d talk to him because you won’t be able to continue with him for long knowing he’s harboring such a major secret.

Maddie, we’re on the same wavelength. Two months is one thing – seven months is entirely another thing. I was raising my experience as an example of how that kind of admission looks when it’s done right. That particular guy had several interesting things,shall we say, in his past and to his credit I heard it all directly from him inside of three months of dating, as we got to know each other. You don’t need to spill everything in the first few dates or in the first few weeks. But there is an appropriate time frame and I 100% agree seven months is past it.

I tend to be very logical, to a fault, because I’m a bit on the spectrum and look at things from both sides dispassionately. I’m not advocating for him, I can simply see how a man could get a call from a woman he dated casually that she’s pregnant and not deal with it well. And maybe it’s a manipulation to reel him back him – who knows? So many unknowns here. Unless there’s proof there’s really a baby and unless there’s a genuine DNA test that definitively shows him to be the father, for all we know it could be a shakedown. I read the story and thought either this guy is cold and heartless to deny his child OR there’s more to the story than is apparent from the text messages.

See, that’s the downside to snooping. You only find part of the story. Sometimes what you find really is the whole story and sometimes it’s not. Only Joanne knows him and can judge if he’s lying or not. I like your advice Maddie about if he has a tendency to turn on the charm and sweet talk then just walk away.