Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › I struggle to understand if my boyfriend actually likes me
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El.
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El
We dated for two months prior to making things official exactly a month ago today. He took me to his home region and asked me to be his girlfriend on a cliff with a gorgeous view on the beach. This was very romantic and considerate, and I very much appreciate it. Yet here is a situation that came up recently, that made me question everything:
– He doesn’t answer my messages as much as in the first month. When we talk, it’s not as exciting was before, he answers rarely compared to how we started. We’ve had this conversation, he said it’s because that’s not his preferred mode of communication, that he would much rather see me in person or call. Yet, my problem is that he isn’t really initiating anything anymore (dates, phone calls) or this initiation is rare on his part, compared to mine. I made it known to him that in my eyes this translates as disinterest on his side. Here’s a situation that really made me go off my rails in the last couple of days: on his birthday, I sent him a sweet congratulations message early in the morning. I wanted to ask – once he will have replied – if we could call, because he was at work and I knew he was going through some bad stuff with his boss, so I didn’t wanna bother him. He replied ten hours later. So I started asking him how his day was. He’s not answering. An hour later, I send another message…one more hour passes by…another. I was worried that something happened at work and that maybe he is actually very busy. He only replied at 10 pm, when I started asking if everything was ok. I learned that he came back at 5 and did some extra work (as I guessed), but was still free for a couple of hours, not celebrating or doing anything of importance. This baffled me, as I was wondering how on Earth does one not wanna talk to their supposedly significant other on their birthday, when they’re not busy. So I dropped the idea to call. Later that evening he told me we could meet next week, after I suggested we do something on the weekend and he said he couldn’t. When I asked him to give me the exact day, he didn’t reply for another 23 hours and when he did, it wasn’t anything concrete. I was mad and let him know that I think he doesn’t wanna talk to me. That’s when he brought up the whole “I’m not much into messages” thing. The problem is, lately he seems a bit lacklustre in terms of proposing anything, although he is always down when I come to his city to meet up with me, even when I’m not staying the night (I live 1 hour away by fast train). We see each other maybe once every ten days or so, but imo, we don’t talk enough in between. We both have work and pretty good social lives, but also enough time for quality communication at a distance. Yet, I just don’t see much interest when we’re texting anymore, it’s just a regular “how was your day?” conversation. I miss our previous flirty banter. After our discussion about his ignoring me, we decided to call more often and we will in the upcoming days. My close ones tell me that a guy who is in love will actually look for ways to join his girlfriend, ACTIVELY. He won’t be “too busy” or a “bad texter”. After all, this is my boyfriend, this isn’t someone I could casually cut off.I feel like the answer to this question lies within civilised conversations with him.
Also, I am not saying that he doesn’t put in any efforts. He always carries my heavy bag, opens doors and is very considerate in bed.So based on all of these, does he actually like me or is it possible that we just have different love languages?
I really want to be fair to him because I care.M
There are a few things here that if you can see from his perspective, will change everything. When you show him you care, by giving him the time and space he needs, it may inspire him to initiate more.
The key things that jump out that your friends probably aren’t aware of yet:
– guys generally don’t like texting (he was telling the truth)
– after a guy has made you his girlfriend, it’s very normal for the texting to drop off. They all bring their A-game initially to win you over, but that kind of effort and intensity is unsustainable longer term. It’s normal and it’s okay for you to accept that.
– speaking on the phone and spending physical time together is way better for building true connection with a guy. That’s where the magics at – when you’re truly connecting with him real time. Not through a bunch of words on a screen back and forth in simulated conversation, where there’s so much room for misinterpretation and lost meaning.
– your challenge appears to be that, although I’m not sure you can see this currently, you have way more time than him to have these real time conversations at the moment.
– Also, I was reading about the “rubber band effect” earlier. Guys often need to retreat a while before they can return. It’s okay, it’s normal and you can just do your own thing while he takes the space he needs before he comes back to you.
– if he’s busy at work and having problems with his boss on top of it, to the extent that he has to come home from a full days work at 5pm and still do more work – on his birthday – is pretty demonstrative of how much pressure he is under. – He needs a girlfriend who understands how hard his life is currently, not one adding to his lists of things to do (especially things like texting which is something guys dislike anyway).
-If he knows that he’s going to have to deal with your upset for not replying earlier, it’s going to make him even feel even less like wanting to text you. It will feel like a chore to him. Don’t be that person.
– Be the person who provides light and relief and understanding in his world. Someone he can feel safe and secure with, someone who he knows is going to be okay getting on with her life happily if he can’t get back to her quickly enough.
– Be the person who is just pure delighted and appreciative when he does make time for you, he will feel it.Imagine this. You’re at work, it’s crazy, so much to do and on top of it your boss is giving you a hard time. You get home after a full day, but the pressure is so much you have to do more work because there are deadlines and expectations to be met.
Now it’s evening and you’re mentally, emotionally and physically drained. You look at your phone and there’s a number of messages you have to get back to. Frankly you’re exhausted and you have nothing left in the tank to give.
To make things worse, it’s your birthday and you’ve had to spend almost the entirety of it working and not measuring up to the expectations placed on you. Life feels cr@p.
You know as soon as you contact your partner, they’re not going to understand what you’re going through, and you’ll have to face more turmoil.
You feel like a loser.
By the time the weekend comes round, even though there are things to do, you’re just exhausted and need to recover from how hard things are at work.
Your partner needs to see you and you understand it’s a reasonable request, so you suggest next week instead. But you have decision fatigue and literally no thinking power left, and honestly speaking you can’t see clearly and realistically how you’re going to fit it in. But you know you’re going to be in trouble if you don’t make time because they’ve already told you, you’re not doing enough….
El, I think you’re not going to see how much he likes you until you take a step back. At the moment, from what you’re describing, he’s under a lot of pressure and although he likes you and probably wants to be with you, you’re probably just adding to his pressures.
My fear is that if he sees contacting you as a source of pain and thus more like another chore, he’s going to feel less and less inspired to initiate.
Guys gravitate to what feels good in their life.
How certain is he that when he has a pocket of time, and he contacts you, you’re going to be relaxed, fun, kind, understanding and patient with him. And delighted to speak to him, genuinely happy and appreciative.
That you’re going to be really really present with him and see him and what he’s going through as a human being, not as someone who’s supposed to fill the role of your boyfriend.
Sometimes the people we care about need our presence and understanding in a way that is foreign to us. It’s okay, this is a learning experience and is a great opportunity for you. You get to learn and see things from his perspective – not by talking to him, but by just taking a step back, giving him space to relax, recover and reenergise on his own, and then just noticing how he shows up and letting that be okay however it is.
There’s a strong possibility that things will shift in the direction you want then to then. You can’t pressure someone into wanting to be with you, but you can be a source of inspiration, light and love.
When you really see what his inner experience is, and he feels that you care about what he’s going through, it will change everything.
Try to avoid double texting and let him initiate when he’s ready. You look after yourself and enjoy your life in the meantime with your girlfriends and hobbies. Send him love and light breezy texts every now and again so he knows you’re there and he knows you care. Then see what happens….
M
Sometimes stepping back actually brings you closer…
Ewa
what M said! I think you were adding pressure on your bf.
I disagree slightly with this, the text intensity will drop, the guy I am with is still very consistent with texting and we see each other 3 times a week and text a lot in between, 90% he initiates .
I think your bf likes you but again if he feels like is losing in life he won’t be the bf you want or need. If he had a stressful day and you know it, just say hey I know you are busy /stressed, I am here for you if you wanted to talk, have a nice evening. No need to ask him to call you and send multiple messages.
Guys don’t bond trough texting and you say you see him every 10 days ? is it because you are both busy ? I think you are starting to see him withdrawing and you are pushing him even more away by putting pressure on him instead of letting him breathe.El
Thank you M, thank you Ewa for the replies! It did make me change my perspective on things and I will be trying to tweak my course of action in this relationship.
I am already living a pretty balanced life, I do sports, I have a social life, my own job and, on some days, I too have to stay up late to finish work. This is also why I can’t always come to visit him in his city either and when I do, it is often for my work as well (during the day, but we see each other in the evenings).Ewa
does he not come to you ?
El
He did come for a couple of weekends during our first month of dating. More often, it is me who visits, because I have interviews in his city and I suggest we see each other once we’re done with work (but I also come just to visit him from time to time). He is the one who invited me to go on a road trip to his home region, where he asked me out last month, so we travelled together. He also wanted me to join him and his friends for another trip at the end of July, but I couldn’t. But as I’ve said, lately it is me who initiates and asks to see him, he just approves.
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