Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I think I was ghosted, how to handle it?
- This topic has 15 replies and was last updated 2 years, 4 months ago by
Maddie.
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Clara
I’ve been seeing a guy that I met in May. At the end of our first date, he asked me out for a second date later in the week. We texted at least once a day initially, but as time went on I noticed he would take hours and sometimes even a few days to respond to my messages. We went on three dates in May and then he went to Europe for a month. During his trip, he did communicate but not super often. He would go about a week sometimes without talking to me. I didn’t think much of it since he was on vacation and I figured he was just trying to enjoy it.
When he returned, he messaged me to tell me he had gotten sick with COVID and we agreed to get together once he was feeling better. Another week then went by and he finally reached out to say he was feeling better and he asked to see me. We had a wonderful date (our 4th at this point) and would message back and forth, but again I noticed he wouldn’t respond for hours or even days. We had 2 more dates each about a week apart, and in between our dates there wasn’t much communication except random texts here and there and him asking to see me.It was almost the end of July and we had been on 7 dates together. At this point we had slept together and were having great conversations and lots of laughter. Anyway, after our 7th date, it was a Friday and we were texting back and forth. I had gone to a baseball game with friends and sent him a few pics. I had also mentioned to him on our last date that I was going camping that weekend. He did not respond to my message until Monday afternoon saying sorry for the slow response and that he had been “a hermit all weekend”, and he asked about my camping trip that I had gone on that weekend. I didn’t see his response until I came back from camping three days later, but I replied and we had a short convo. However, he once again did not reply for several days and although I was annoyed by it, I decided to lean back and see what he would do.
It wasn’t until a week or so later that he texted to say sorry for being so absent and asking if I was free that weekend. I was going camping again so I wasn’t free, but I told him I was free during the week. Again, he did not respond for several days and when he finally did respond, we set up a day and he asked me out to dinner. We met up for our date and nothing seemed awry, he seemed normal and I did not bring up the fact that we hadn’t seen each other in 17 days! We had dinner, talked, laughed, and had a great time. That was last Tuesday, and the last time I heard from him was last Thursday 8/11 when he texted me. I have now not heard from him in a week.
It’s becoming more and more apparent that I am slowly being ghosted and I just need some help handling it. I feel like there’s no reason why someone cant shoot a quick text to say hey or literally ANYTHING. Its a bummer because I like him and I thought he liked me, but at this point I know I need to cut my losses and move on. It’s just so frustrating and honestly I just needed to vent. I don’t plan on reaching out and I’ve given up any hope that he is remotely interested anymore. Any advice for moving on from this? Thanks :)
Tallspicy
There is nothing to move on from other than your overactive imagination. He was not acting very interested, and you emotionally invested and slept with him. You move on by not taking crumbs or filling in the blanks by continuing to reach out and see someone who is not investing in you. You don’t initiate with a man who is not very consistent as initiation is for men who are showing up.
He is not that interested. How do I know that? He is not acting very interested. You are the ceo of your love life, this intern should have been fired a long time ago.AngieBaby
ROTFL Tallspicy… “you are the CEO of your love life and this intern should have been fired a long time ago.”
Hilarious. Priceless. And great advice!
Sorry Clara but she’s right. This is a classic case of “he’s just not that into you.” You move on by learning some lessons so you don’t allow someone to treat you so carelessly again.
If you’re looking for a way to formally end it, wait until he messages you again – if he does, but I’m guessing he will at some point when he’s bored – and just say it was fun getting to know him but you’re looking for someone who is available more consistently and you understand completely that he’s not, so best to stop contact and best wishes for the future. That may prompt him to protest and step up a bit, but he’s already shown he’s, well, just not that into you and the door is closed.
Maddie
It sounds like you kept seeing him without telling him you were put off by the long times between texts. That’s understandable since you didn’t want to seem clingy after a few dates, but it leaves him in a position where he doesn’t see anything wrong with the situation because he does what he does and you still meet up with him without complaint. Taking a cool girl approach leaves you in a situation that may be incompatible because you’re not speaking up, and it doesn’t communicate to him that the long response times aren’t actually what you’re looking for. I don’t think you need to do anything at this point because after 3 months you’re clearly not both looking for the same type of relationship, so write him off for not meeting YOUR needs. I also don’t think you’re being ghosted as much as he wants something super casual and low effort (or he’d be stepping it up), and you leaning back and observing him revealed that. Or he’s still multi-dating and not prioritizing you, which isn’t what you’re looking for either.
It’s also okay to tell someone what you want once you see something isn’t working for you and then observing if a guy delivers in response. If he doesn’t, then you know not to waste more time on a mismatch. Usually guys are aware of what they’re doing, but if they really like you and there’s an issue that’s not a dealbreaker then they’ll try to meet you halfway at the VERY minimum. If the guys are put off by you sharing your own preferences, then you’ve filtered them out faster, either for low interest or for incompatibility. Win-win!
But in general, if a guy isn’t reaching out much and escalating contact after the first few dates, it’s probably not worth your further investment. It isn’t even always about lack of interest, sometimes it’s about him not having his $hit together, but the outcome is the same no matter the reason. I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you, but hang in there because you’ll be okay!
Liz Lemon
“if a guy isn’t reaching out much and escalating contact after the first few dates, it’s probably not worth your further investment.”
Maddie nailed it. Well, all the posters here nailed it, to be honest, but Maddie put it very succinctly. If a guy is into you, it will become obvious after a few dates. He will escalate his interactions with you. He will be contacting you more, texting, calling, taking you out…your interactions/conversations will become deeper…you will just know.
By the 2nd or 3rd date (before he went to Europe, anyway) this guy began de-escalating contact by taking longer and longer (days) to reply to your texts. And after he came back from Europe, again, he was taking days to reply to you and there was little communication between dates. That right there tells you he’s not that into you.
There’s not much you can do at this point but take this as a learning experience, unfortunately. In the future, don’t emotionally invest and sleep with guys who are not stepping up their interest. Don’t stick around hoping that your presence will make him more interested, because that doesn’t work, as you have learned.
Khadija
Sounds like he wasn’t all that interested to begin with.
Keep dating and meeting people, which you should have been doing to begin with. If he reaches out eventually simply say no thanks. He’s probably dating others and squeezing you in whenever. A guy who is truly interested doesn’t keep you guessing and consistently stays in touch.
Next!
Tammy
He will get in touch when hes free or bored. But its obvious hes not at all invested in this thing with you. So well in the event he does get in touch, i wld probably message what the above poster has suggsted and cut off completely.
Clara
Thanks everyone for your responses. Definitely helped me gain some perspective.
*UPDATE*
Today I got a few messages from him apologizing for being “awol” and saying sorry, but he started dating someone else and wants to see where that goes. He said he felt really guilty and the usual “I think you’re really great” spiel. And there’s my answer. I plan on taking some time to reply, but I kind of expected it and will be moving on gracefully. Thanks for your help guys!Liz Lemon
At least he had the decency to be honest with you. It sucks, I’m sorry! You will be ok, there are better guys out there for you!
AngieBaby
Not surprising. Glad he came clean and admitted it.
I’ve gotten that one a couple of times along with “I’ll let you know if it doesn’t work out” and I say, “actually this is the end of line for us here, I’m not a second choice or consolation prize. I genuinely hope you’ll be very happy with her.” (And I do mean that.) That really throws them for a loop. One guy tried to come back when it didn’t work out with the other one and tried to convince me to see him and I told him I meant what I said and blocked.
A lot of good learnings for you here! Keep going, you’ll find the right one.
Marie
Yup, he was not interested and he was dating around. You should reply what Angie says and move on.
Tammy
I wld simply message happy for you and hope it works out. All the best. And move on..
in the event he ever does reach out in the future, these types usually do in case things dont work out wid other women, do not entertain him.
Jennifer Morelli
I’ve met this guy while on a cruise. He texted me right away and we’ve been seeing each other about every other weekend. We even went away on a weekend to a wedding. He lives about 40 minutes away and can be a difficult during the week to get together due to work (Usually my job) We texted just about everyday and kept in constant contact. He called me last week stating he got fired. He at first said that he didn’t even want to tell me and that he’s not planning on telling anyone. When speaking with him, he sounded so defeated and embarrassed. He said that he doesn’t deserve me and that I deserve someone better and too make sure I date a good man. When together we had great times and lots of laughs. He staid that he needed space to figure it all out on getting another and that it wasn’t good bye, that he just needed time. Some friends and family tell me not to reach and see if he does, other’s day give him around three weeks, then reach out to him to see just how things are going. Just to show that I’m still interested in him and care how he’s doing. Don’t if this is he’s way of saying good bye for good or that he just needs time for himself because of his current situation. Thank you :)
Raven
@Jennifer Morelli,
“ He said that he doesn’t deserve me and that I deserve someone better and too make sure I date a good man.”No man who is interested would say this to his woman.
It was a kind break up…
Tallspicy
If you have only gone on a few dates, and a man says he is pursuing someone else, then it is reasonable to accept them back. However, you have been interacting for months, barely saw each other and have slept together. He gets no other chance.
Maddie
It doesn’t matter if he needs time. Look at this at face value: he hit a rough spot and responded to it by completely pulling away from you and basically breaking up with you! That is NOT what good partners do. There will always be rough spots and stress in life to deal with. Will he just end things each time? You don’t need that, you want a guy who turns towards you instead of pushes you away and doesn’t take it out on you when stressed. It may not feel this way, but consider yourself lucky he showed you the kind of partner he is already. Don’t reach out. If he ever gets his life together AND matures into a good, committed partner and comes back to ready and able, then you can see, but I would not hold my breath or wait the amount of time that would realistically take.
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