Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I want to be supportive but also tread lightly
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 7 months, 2 weeks ago by
tammy.
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Abby
I dated a man for a few months about two months ago. I never could tell if he actually liked me or not so when I met someone else that relationship kind of faded. We recently reconnected and the other night he asked to hang out. I went to his as he is a widower and has a young child at home (I arrived after his child was in bed.) We spent the beginning of the night just catching up with light conversation. We then got onto the subject of the last time we dated and I candidly told him I didn’t know if he even liked me back then. That led us into a conversation about his recent past, some very tragic events including the death of his wife that led him to not really show emotion in the same way as he once did. I just listened to him and held his hand to let him know I was there for him and cared about him. I just wanted to show my support. We’ve texted since and I want to tell him that I really appreciate him being vulnerable with me and that I’m here for him in either a friend or dating capacity. I’d like to pursue dating again if he’d like to too but really I just want to be in his life. I get the feeling he doesn’t talk much about these things and I want him to know I am a safe space but I also don’t want to overwhelm him by bringing it up again. How would you all handle this?
Maddie
Has he been to grief therapy? I’m guessing no if you don’t think he’s been talking about any of this much. He has a lot to deal with, including getting a young child through something terrible, and you are not a professional. Putting yourself in the position of therapist creates a mess in regards to healthy romantic boundaries. He’s probably not ready to date seriously and still emotionally unavailable from his loss. You’re also not really friends yet as you’ve known each other a short time and it was in a dating capacity. Let him lean on his existing support network and on professionals, and if you still want to get to know him, do it without the trauma bonding, especially before you’ve built up a foundation over time of actual friendship and trust. I’d reconsider wanting to date him until after he’s gotten himself some help for the tragic and difficult things he’s had to go through, or you’re likely to end up being emotional collateral damage.
This may not be what you want to hear, but I’m not being cynical. I once dated someone way too soon after they lost a partner, and I learned a lot from that experience. Grief is messy and difficult, and strong healthy boundaries are really important to any budding relationship, romantic or platonic.
AngieBaby
Maddie has it exactly right. Women tend to want to shower a man in sympathy and “support” when he’s having a hard time. They actually don’t like this and it almost always backfires. When he’s better he walks away from the woman who he leaned on because she reminds him of bad times. He’ll move on to someone new without thinking twice about it. Women don’t behave like this, we support each other through thick and thin and it would never occur to us to dump someone who helped us so much.
This man is not a good prospect for a relationship at this time and it could be months or even years before he is. Keep your distance, it’s almost impossible for you not to become like a therapist to him, being really honest here.
tammy
I agree with Maddie. What you are suggesting is definitely a big NO. He did go through trauma and he’s learning to deal with his loss. If he finds talking to you helpful, that’s good for him. but not really an ideal situation for you because he is just using you as a crutch to come to grip with his sorrow. For something to develop between you guys, it’s important that you both meet because you are interested in each other and want to explore those feelings. Right now, that’s not the case.
To answer your question, don’t think it’s as simple as you suggest. If you want to date him it means you are interested. and if you’re interested than it would be difficult for you to meet him and just stay friends. As I said not the right time for you to keep meeting him.
He needs to come to grip with his loss and then be mentally ready or willing to try with another woman. Unfortunately, right now does this does not seem to be the right time.I think you need to understand that and step back or you will fall for a man who’s emotionally not available. But in case he calls on you, do meet and do hear him out as a concerned human being. In trying to be there for him, you may end up getting hurt.
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