I will talk to my partner guy tonight… and be done with it

kenz – ariticulating here what she wants is not what Jen is talking about. But rather having an honest conversation with a man and telling him that.

I disagree with ghosting especially when you have been in a “relationship” for about 7 months. The decent way to end it was, that “I am looking for ___, ____ and ____ and I do not see you providing it to me. So it is best to end it here and not waste either of our time.”

That would be the mature thing to do.

Kenz
You can’t dictate that a person emotional attach or connect with you, asking someone to text you more is forcing them to do something they are not inclined or wanting. Men who are really into a woman will make her feel wanted and special. And if it’s not through text, which is really a crappy way anyway, he will do it by calling, seeing you frequently and integrating you into his life.

What meemee supposedly wants is a fwb. Because a man who truly attaches isn’t going to want to only see you a few times a month and not be integrated in your life. One thing that draws a man to a woman is when he can envision how he fits into her life. This is why women who come across as major ms independent find it so hard to get a man,

Men are all for having an independent woman, but if she already has money, no need for a male role model for kids, if she prefers to live alone, etc. she allows no room for that man to see how he can fit in. And if a man can’t see himself fitting into and becoming an important part of your life, he will move on.

That’s why I suggest meemee really think about what she wants. And about how to open up her life to someone if she really wants that bad soul mate she claims.

Otherwise, all you get is a man who sees you every once in a while, at his convenience for a little company and some sex. Since meemee allowed this man to do just that, he has no idea I’m sure why she would want to change the rules. Unfortunately, you are either all in, or all out. There usually isn’t an in between because even in a fwb, one person inevitably catches strong feelings and it doesn’t become fun anymore,

Kenz
If you read back over the year and memees men and dating, she wants an emotional connection, she wants a man to chase her, she wants romance. But when she doesn’t get it, she makes excuses for the man or compromises what she wants and fits into whatever than man offers.. which is crumbs.

That’s why I suggest to get clarification. Contact this man and end it once and for all. Sherri gave a great way to do it.
Than decide what you want for REAL. And don’t settle for less, meaning you articulate to the man what you want and your actions match your words.

Right now she can’t even get out of this ‘relationship’ in a mature and final fashion. I say grow up and put on big girl pants. hoe is she going to teach her kids about this stuff if she can’t even do it herself. Meme, are you going to teach your kids how to ghost rather than communicate and walk away from a situation maturely?

Meemee, I hope are you reading all this? LOL.

First of all, I did not suggest programming anyone’s phone but I did suggest speaking up DIRECTLY and giving him specific instructions while quitting being upset about it because the issue is NOT what she thought it was.

I don’t think Meemee ghosted, did you Meemee? She simply decided not to initiate contact with him anymore because she felt she does it all the time, so she deleted his phone not to be tempted. When he texted she replied. This ain’t ghosting ladies. Pay attention. She had no intentions to end this relationship just yet, why would she. Cutting something off is much easier than sewing it back together. Do it only when you are absolutely sure.

Next, about patience that isn’t patience but something else. When I advised Meemee to be more lenient and take it one day at a time with this chap, I was coming from a premise that she LIKES this guy A LOT, that he never said he doesn’t want a relationship, he said he liked her as well and he is exclusive with her and tells her that. So what more do you want for people their age and in their social standing and life styles? A prince charming on a white horse? C’mon. This prince charming is truly unavailable, LOL, as in non-existent. You can go ride a white horse alone however. And this is what is likely to happen to most ball busters. Because no man will be perfect and no man will be giving you everything you want and need. In some cases you need to ask for what you want directly and in some cases you need to shut up and accept the situation. “if a man is into you he will do that and that and this”. We all wish. But the reality is that this is very often not the case. Some men are clueless. And some men are emotionally dull and they wouldn’t know how to make you feel desired even if their job depended on it. But those guys can be faithful, caring, nice people. If this type of a guy does not give you all you want do you just walk away? You’d be walking a lot. From most men. Compromise is not breaking your pride or dignity, it is a state of mind when you accept things around you that may not be the way you want them to be. There are deal breakers of course and this is when you need to walk away, but those are things like abuse, insults, cheating, stonewalling deliberately, major things.

There is not much in Meemee’s response or attitude that implied she is “immature” or has low self esteem. Only her over-assessment of this guy. She thought too highly of him, she thought he was too popular and too busy with women whereas he turned out to be one of those emotionally dull guys busy with work and life. And what’s maturity? Place demands and if they are not met walk away? Right. Any lumberjack can do that. It is much more difficult to work through the issues and try to solve them.

This “unavailable” business. There is no escape from it, is there?. It is not about “unavailability” but about compatibility and communication. If you don’t communicate so you both are unavailable? Every time there is a situation when two people don’t or can’t communicate properly one person is deemed “unavailable” and it somehow explains everything? No other possibilities. Things are black and white. You are either “co-dependent” or he is “unavailable” or both. Every problem or relationship is reduced to this paradigm. Life is much more complex than that. You can’t throw everything into one pile indiscriminately with one recipe: demand what you want and walk away if he is not giving you exactly what you want.

I agree with one thing, however. Meemee and most women need to communicate what we want more directly. I think she is too proud and feels as if it is below her to ask a man to give her what she needs. As if by asking she undermines her dignity. Or it just doesn’t feel pleasant to her. I don’t blame her, it is not pleasant to specify things like call me more often. It is always nice to have the other person do it on their own. And it is absolutely wonderful when they can read your mind. But sitting and waiting for this to happen is not likely to serve you so asking for what you need in the right way and at the right time is an important skill for a woman. Ballbusting is something I won’t recommend. I find men respond to a tender and playful approach much better. Not all men, some are incurable jerks, agreed. I am talking in general.

But if you like a man, if you are in love with him, this is worth a lot, you don’t just walk away from it. You try to make it work first.

I agree with Hannah that Meemee is using this forum as a therapy, so be it. We all using it in this sense to some degree. How is it worse than going to a “therapist”, a total stranger, and listen to their assessment of your personality based on a couple of hours of conversation once a week? While paying big bucks for them asking you question and then making you answer those on your own. I find this whole thing ridiculous personally, but if it makes someone feel better let them do it. It’s a free country.

I don’t think Meemee is seeking out “unavailable” men. She happened to meet this guy, misjudged his character, liked him a tad too much than he deserved and then didn’t communicate well with him, out of pride or wrong assumptions. But now she doesn’t like him as much, she is almost free from him and is looking for a new guy. I think it’s all good, and I am happy for her.

I agree with Hannah that a FWB will suit Meemee well provided the guy would have some degree of emotional intelligence and play the “friend” part well. Given her social standing, age and education, her choices are quite limited. There ain’t that many healthy, pleasant looking, high earning, well mannered, smart, educated , emotionally intelligent guys in their 40s that are single, and FWB doesn’t happen with strangers, you actually need to be friends for that. So if Meemee finds a decent guy, albeit not 100% or not even 90% what she wants, I’d say Meemee! keep this imperfect or even far-from-perfect guy and work through his issues, yes, with patience, because it is guaranteed that issues will be there, let’s just hope they won’t be deal breakers.

Philly nailed it!

I’m with Nat! This all or nothing, black or white thinking usually doesn’t get you anywhere in relationships, friendships, business, etc. Yes, stand up for yourself when need be, but dealing with people successfully takes skill and sometimes in relationships we learn as we go. The more you get to know someone, the better you get to form in your mind who they are, and THEN you make your decision. We all learn as we go. Every person you meet is different, so your approach with each person may have to be different too.

To keep proclaiming away at every turn, men will run away too. Sometimes really good ones if you don’t get to know them well enough. Once you have determined he is not what you want, yes, let him go. But black and white thinking usually doesn’t get you very far.

I agree, Meemee isn’t trying to go for unavailable men. We all make an opinion in our mind when we meet someone. And sometimes that opinion can be wrong. And then we have to readjust our thinking and what we are going to do about the situation.

Phillygirl – you are way too extreme in your thinking… There are numberous things that you said here about me that are just simply not true, and I always bite my tongue because I dont believe in debating on a public forum….

You are too extreme in your thinkings that is just not good for you….Seriously

As for me, I had lots of fun with this man, I really enjoyed his company and his sex… The only imperfection is that I initiated way more than he did… So I am trying to take care of this problem by not initiating anymore…. It is really as simple as that…..

All your comments on me being the common demonitor, seeking unavailable man, low self esteem, so on and so forth, quite frankly, are just all garbage in my mind…

Philly… you may as well be talking to mike. That’s how much meemee gets this

Meemee
Have to say you are the worse case study on here in a while. Most women actually learn something after a whole year. You? It’s remedial learning.

Look for those few of you, I am treating your inputs as garbage, and you are very frustrated that I am not listening, so why don’t you just leave my thread, so that we both dont have to deal with the unpleasant?

Deal?

Meemee, I am done with you. But at least this is entertaining. I am not extreme in my thinking. I have very healthy self esteem and my interpersonal relationships reflect that. I know what it means to love with all my heart, and be loved that way in return. So excuse me if I believe all women deserve that. Even women who don’t believe that about themselves. Rather than seeing I am trying to help you empower yourself, you fixate on how I am supposedly insulting you. If you were soooo freaking happy with him we wouldn’t have seen multiple threads about this guy, and similarities with all the men you’ve mentioned since you’ve been here. You are stubborn and implacable to your own detriment. So be it.

I offer perspective to try and help women. You are not available for help, becasue just like Mike you come here to complain but refuse to do any of the work on self that is required to change your internal discourse (which requires a paradigm shift in your thinking).

The fact that you disagree with me so much just reaffirms how healthy my standards are, because if i was on the same page as you I’d be miserable.

You will almost certainly refuse to believe this, but I wish you the best. But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Trying to help you is like banging your head a against a wall.

I leave things that don’t empower and lift me up. Good luck

I guess I did have one last thing to say after all. This is a public forum. And I will damn well comment on anything I please.