Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › If he says "I'm not looking for anything serious" is there even a point to try?
- This topic has 19 replies and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by
Pixelpixie.
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Bianca
Hey ladies,
So I’ve heard a lot on here that if a guy says that he’s not looking for anything serious then he truly means it. That makes sense to me. However, the majority of my girl friends have met their boyfriends this way. They told me that over time, the guys just changed their mind. This also makes sense to me because guys are often slow at making decisions and processing their emotions.
But I wonder: if a guy tells you “I’m not looking for anything serious” but that he still wants to hang out with you, is there even a point to that? Should I just automatically drop him since I’m looking for something serious. Or should I just give him time and continue to see him as well as other guys if possible? Or is that just a huge waste of time?
ya
I’m in the same situation as you (but I’m not looking for a boyfriend). If you ARE looking for someone serious, and he explicitly states that he isn’t, you will only have yourself to blame when it doesn’t work out if you pursue him!
Diane
I am in a similar situation too… The guy told me he is not ready, and he is truly not ready… Even I would agree with him – still in the divorce battle, 4 kids living with him, company he works could go under soon….
So, I think you need to make your own judgement looking at where he is in his own life…..
Bianca
Well in my situation:
Long story short, I had a crush on this guy in my friend group that I knew for a couple of months. He flirted with me a lot and he seemed like a nice guy so I figured he actually liked me. We hung out a couple of times one on one, but right away he told me he’s “not looking for anything serious” but he never said why. I knew that was a huge red flag so I stopped hanging out with him since I didnt want to get too attached for no reason.My friends, that I meantioned above, told me that I should still hang out with him just for the heck of it because it MIGHT turn into something more meanwhile I could still be on the lookout for a guy who actually wanted a committment. It seemed like win/win situation. I told him that we should still hang out but he said that things changed for him.
He ended up telling me that the reason he couldnt be serious with me was because he had an ex gf that was coming back into town so he wanted to get back together with her. ODDLY ENOUGH, he ended up hanging out with me 2 more times in the following weeks (he initated it all). I was confused but I didnt ask questions because I figured it wasnt my business; I still figured he was with that girl so I didnt expect anything to go anywhere. After our last hang out, he got kind of awkward for a week or 2. He seemed to be avoiding me and distanced himself from me alot.
But now, he went “back to normal” and he talks to me a lot and jokes around with me when he sees me in group settings. I still treat him as a platonic friend in my eyes but I obviously still have a little thing for him. I’m just wondering what is going on. I wonder if he is just being friendly just so things arent awkward and he’s still with that girl, or if maybe things didnt work out and he possibly likes me?
IDK there is like no fb evidence of him and her hanging out recently (no pictures, statuses, etc.) and they are not fb officially dating….so IDK. I’m trying to keep my eyes peeled for guys that actually seemed to like me in a more obvious way, but I dont really have anything going on plus I still have a little thing for this guy so thats the only reason I even care.
Is there no hope?
Keisha
Hey ,
The best thing to do is leave him now before feelings start getting strong . That used to be me not way back ago , he will want to hang out and toward the end I was told that ” I’m not looking for anything serious ” . That broke my heart bc I was actually starting to feel this brother and the time I wanted to talk about ” us ” and taking it to another level . He said . I was furious. I meet him again this summer and I promised myself that I was not gonna hit his phone but guess what my dumb behind did .. HIT HIS PHONE . And we started taking again. He told me that he’s still in the same position he was the tkne we were ” hanging out ” and my dumb self continue to stay with him bc I still had the feelings a year after the ” break up” . This time the feeling grew intensely and I told him that we can’t do this anymore unless we are ready for seriousness and that was the last time I heard from him. He never texted me , say hi or NOTHING . And I’m not one with a broken heart bc I tried to give him the benefit of the doubtCandy
If a guy says he’s not interested, whatever the words he uses, you walk away, unless you really can handle being friends. Biggest mistake women make here, hanging around hoping he’ll change his mind. It doesn’t make you attractive. At all.
Candy
Stop using my handle!!!!! That’s not my advice!
Hannah
Did your girlfriend’s boyfriends actually say they didn’t want anything serious to them specifically or discount it just start more casual and get serious?
A guy won’t actually come out and say he doesn’t want serious unless he’s thought about it and means it. He knows he could lose you by telling you that, so just the fact he does shows how he feels. If he said “I’d like to keep things relaxed and see how it goes” or something like that, it’s very different.
In this case, your guy also still isn’t over his ex. Don’t ever wait around being second best to someone.
redcurleysue
The only reason to be with a guy that tells you he does not want something serious is if you are not serious about him. If you feel on any level you can catch feelings it is time to run far and fast…or you will be seriously hurt.
Amy S
A guy may not want a serious girlfriend but is probably still up for hanging out and sex. Dont mix these things up with interest and dont subject yourself to being fwb and accepting breadcrumbs from a guy you have feelings for. If hes going to respect you and step up he will never do it if he sees you as a desperate woman that will accept his scraps at the table. x
Mika
I’ve been hanging out with a guy who told last weekend that he is not looking for anything. What the hell does that mean? But he says it would be unfair for either of us to be hooking up with other people whilst together. (we have not had sex, but its obvious that he wants to- I really got put off after this conversation though). The thing is, however, he has told a few of his family members that he is seeing me. His dad wanted to set him up with a family friend’s daughter and he told him no as he was dating someone. I really want to be in a relationship, and I feel I would be selling myself short by going along with this, but I also am not sure if he is just scared-something some friends have been suggesting. OMG! I really don’t know what to do.
Khadija
Mika- Open up a new post you’ll get more response that way.
Phillygirl
First of all, look at it this way..
If you were looking for a job, and you went on an interview and the hiring manager thanked you for your time, but said there were no openings and nothing available, would you go back every week asking if they had a job for you?
Some people might, but I don’t think that’s smart. I’d look for and start interviewing with companies that wanted to hire the right person for the job – right away, and was interested in hiring me.
Dating is also an interviewing process. I don’t know all the details of your friends situations, but: a)friends often give the worst advice and leave out lots of important details when they talk about their own experiences b)why waste your time? Give yourself the best chance of finding a good relationship, by screening out the guys who don’t want one (and tell you that).
If you want success in life, in any area, you have to be intentional about it. That means having a good screening process to avoid wasting your time and effort. It’s not a guarantee that everything goes as planned, but it’s much better footing to start on.
When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, you should believe him the first time. If you have to “change his mind” it’s not worth it.
And the minute an ex GF is in the picture, you run. He is not over her, but happy to use you as a rebound or distraction when she doesn’t want to see him. Sorry.
And to all the “he’s scared” excuses. I’m just going to call total BS. Little boys and babies live life afraid. That is not how a MAN operates.
We should all want a MAN in our lives. Who the heck wants to date a toddler or man baby that is fearful and can’t face life head-on. That’s just nonsense.
If a guy is “afraid” to be with me, the door is RIGHT THERE.
Genuid
You will not be young forever. Time is ticking. I’m not saying you get a man in a haste. I’m just saying you don’t need to wait on a man to evolve. Give him space to do that while you move forward.
Vey
I generally find that unless a man is advertising on a billboard that he is looking for a relationship, the majority of them will thoughtlessly say they aren’t looking for anything serious. They certainly aren’t lying or anything–but the intricacies of what it means depends on the situation.
In any case, I wouldn’t give it too much weight without first letting your intentions be known and having a talk with the guy about whether or not he is open to trying.
Vey
Woops–just saw the post with the ex. Honestly, you need to sit him down and talk to him. There is nothing to be gained in playing aloof.
Pixelpixie
Hey,
So there was this guy that I worked with and had a major crush on. We flirted and nothing ever happened as I knew he was dating someone else. A year down the line, we landed up connecting in an online dating site as he was single again.He initiated the chat and was extremely flirty and very full on raunchy. But then said I’m not looking for anything serious and I agreed especially as I didn’t want to be the rebound but happy to fool around. We set a date to catch up which he then cancelled due to last minute “work”
We texted (sexted) a couple of times after this and then he has just disappeared.
Honestly I’m ok with casual but not sure what’s going on his mind. I don’t want to text him as I’ve done this before with nothing much from him.Emma
Girls, it hurts to realize this but it is safer this way. If a guy is interested in you, he will not be doing any of that, he will not be “confusing”, hot and cold, not clear etc.
What is the point to wonder why he is doing what he is doing.? Male ego is very sensitive. He knows you like him so he sexted a few times to test the waters if you can be a booty call..or some other reason of this type. It does not matter. Do not waste your time or emotions on trying to figure out what is going on in this mind. If he is not behaving in a normal way, the way men behave when they are interested in a woman, then ht is not. Have the intelligence to understand this right away and protect yourself from a heartbreak.
The advice of “wait and see” is quite dangerous if you happen to like the guy. You’d fall more for him. And then what? You’d be crushed even harder.
When a guy says “nothing serious” he is putting up a sign: do not count on me, I can tell right away you are not the one. This does not mean he does not want a relationship. This means for some reason he does not think YOU are the right woman for him.
This of course can change, it does happen, but what happens a lot more often is that women are left heartbroken and take months and sometimes years to recover. Because in 95% of those cases “nothing serious” men find someone else, dump you and surprise! they are in a serious relationship, and the girl is left with her ego and female pride crushed.
That’s why you need to date a lot, go on many dates, without investing into anyone emotionally for the first 2-3 months. Not many women can do that, most of us get attached way too quickly, but it is something that a smart woman would try to learn.
Missy
IF it has any chance of changing,the only way that would happen is if he sees what it’s like when you’re not around. It’s what people mean when they say, make him miss you. So I’d say move on, don’t be a hanger on, and go date other guys. It will help you get less attached, make you look more attractive, let you hold on to your dignity AND you might even meet a BETTER guy. ;)
Pixelpixie
Thank you Ladies… very sound advice 👍🏼
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