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Ashley.
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Ashley
Hey ladies! Haven’t been on here in forever.
If anyone remembers, the guy I had been seeing since Dec 2015 had “ghosted” me in January of this year. So he came back by finding me on Snapchat late June. He told me he wasn’t ignoring me, what happened was his whatsapp got hacked, contacts deleted, they got into his bank account & were writing from his apps & by the time he got ahold of it all he had over 300 unread messages & he just gave up on it.
We started talking again from another phone (He had been in another country for months for his work) and everything was perfect, he was attentive etc. Then he came back to the US and went back to using that number. We saw each other & all was perfect.
A couple days after that I started getting a really bad feeling. I felt like I was paranoid/crazy. There was no logical reason why I would get bad vibes, everything was normal between us, nothing happened to make me feel so sad about him but I literally started feeling depressed like something bad was around the corner. I was right!
He started to ignore me, today is exactly 2 weeks of him not talking to me. my messages to him on whatsapp remain unread! They are mostly just pictures of food & cool cocktails I had at a restaurant he was very interested in going to with me (He is a huge foodie like me, normally he would love to see these) and I also told him when I’m available because the last time we talked, he was saying he wants to see me 😘😘😘😘
I know I didn’t do anything wrong, clearly there was no fight or anything & our last interaction was positive. But here we are. I am shocked this is happening again. I thought from then on everything would be smooth sailing
I know nobody can tell me what is going on but I just need some support. By the way, after it had been 10 days of not hearing from him, I sent him a chat message on Snapchat since I know he goes on it regularly. I just said haven’t heard from you in over a week, hope something isn’t wrong. I had never saw him online on whatsapp during the time period that he hadn’t talked to me so that’s why I did that. The outcome? That too, remains unopened!!!! And he has been posting on snap plenty so it’s not like he didn’t see he has a notification!
I’m so sad & embarrassed. I love him & he knows it, but won’t take a second to acknowledge me. Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to me. But why, I have no idea :( I’ve been so depressed these past 2 weeks
Paige
I’m sorry this happened to you sweetie, and I don’t want to be harsh here. But people don’t change. His story of being hacked doesn’t sound very authentic and most likely he ghosted the first time because he met someone else, and he came back to you because that didn’t pan out. I could be wrong, and forgive me if I am, but that’s usually the case.
Bottom line is, guys like this don’t change. Stop contact immediately and put him on ignore. Do NOT let him come back a third time. Most likely he’ll be back with another lame excuse but please don’t buy into it. He’s full of sh*t.
Pop
The guy is a f ing loser.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I don’t know what to say but he’s a low life. Sorry you gave him a chance. You are a sweet soul and you’ll find someone way better soon.April
Hi Ashley – Im so sorry this happened to you. I agree with Paige though that the hacked story seems dodgy, especially in our internet world today if he somehow lost your number then there are many ways to find you or google your name, if he do care then he would do everything to find you and immediately contact you to let you know what happened to him.
The good thing in this situation is he is completely showing what kind of man he is through how he treats you and this is your huge go signal to walk away because obviously this is not how you want to be treated. Plus he will not change, he is who he is.
Yes, you do love him and it’s so difficult to let go of him but how will you get to the right man if you hold continuously on to this one? Every failed relationship is one step closer to the right one. Every time I feel down when a relationship ends, I just remind myself that.
You know deep down in your heart that you deserve a man who respect you enough that he would send you a message if something happened or if he wont be able to contact you for a bit, he will make things crystal clear from the very beginning, he will never leave you questioning things.
Keep us updated and sending hugs your way.
Robs
Focus on YOU as much as you can – if he wants to come back he will eventually. But it sounds like you deserve more than this, and surely knowing how much it hurt you last time he has less regard for your feelings than you thought!
I went through this last week with a guy I’ve been with for a similar amount of time and although he did come back (I sent him a long message saying if I didn’t hear from him I’d assume it was over), things still haven’t been great between us since. In a way I wish I’d not pushed him and waited for him to come back in his own time.
There might be an explanation but until you hear it, focus on yourself and your life without him in it. He seems a little immature for a cool girl like you! X
Ashley
Thank you all so much.
Yeah I agree the first loss of contact doesn’t sound right. He said he lost all contacts, but here’s the thing: when he found me on Snapchat, it was “added by phone number” so clearly during those 5 months, if he missed me, even if he had 300 unread messages lol, he would’ve found my name & freakin talked to me!! That proves my phone number was still in his phone. Even if the contacts were deleted, my message thread was NOT, as it was unopened that entire time (just like it is unopened now!) And since whatsapp has profile picture icons, obviously it is easy to find me lol. Wow, what a fool I am. Hard to believe I could be this naive but I am ONLY realizing these little facts now because of you ladies. I did think it was a bit weird at the time, do people really hack your whatsapp??? but never thought of questioning the specifics because I was still in love with him & was just so eager he “came back” after 6 months.
I guess what is making me so hurt is the fact he would’ve had to see my Snapchat notification pop up & thought to himself “oh I don’t want to talk to her, pain in the ass, won’t be opening that! ”
I just don’t understand how a man can decide they don’t want to talk to you at ALL like that. It’s not even not replying, he is apparently avoiding me to the point he doesn’t want to even OPEN !!! How insulting, I cannot imagine being that way to anyone even if I generally didn’t like them, let alone someone like me!!!
I know this shows who HE is but unfortunately nothing is helping me feel better yet. All I do is cry. I know it’s not my “fault” but I’m the type to always blame myself & feel embarrassed
I hope through talking to you ladies will help heal me. I do not want to wallow anymore trust me!!!
My best friend said he reeled me in, got me, & that’s it. I didn’t want to believe it was that “simple” & cynical, but now I guess that is what it is looking like!
Robs
My boyfriend didn’t open my snapchats either babe! He did read my whatsapps but never replied no matter what I said. It’s easy for an outsider to say but I’d just put all your effort into feeling better now – I’ve read that the third week of no contact is when it starts to become easier.
He will come back but he doesn’t deserve your tears for now. If you think he’d react to an ultimatum then at this point I would go ahead, but that’s kind of down to you and whether you think it’d work or not. I knew mine would respond to an ultimatum but like I said, things still haven’t been 100% between us so I kind of wish I never bothered now. I feel like I contradicted myself there but the bottom line is do what’s best for YOU now.Ashley
At first I thought since he just got back in the US, has a very very very demanding career, & tons & tons of friends, that he was just taking space to focus on all of that, to catch up with all the people he hasn’t seen in months. I thought maybe it’s nothing personal & it has nothing to do with me, he just wants to do his thing without distractions of texting back & forth or whathaveyou. But after a week I was like wow, this is bad.
I know it is best to not look at his Snapchat but I had been this whole time to try to get clues. He apparently has a ton of female friends, more than I ever thought, to the point he is hanging out with a different one every day of the week!!! All his Snapchats are either taking a different female friend out to eat nearly every day or cooking with them dinner at his place! If he hangs out with 2 or more at a time, he posts them on Snapchat too. 2 girls on the roof with himx drinking champagne. 2 different girls on his couch, drinking champagne. One Sunday his long sectional couch was filled with 4 or 5 girls on it, in their pajamas (I assume they live in his building) there for brunch! I’ve only seen 2 Snapchats of him actually with another man. I don’t know any man who hangs out with that many women, let alone feels the need to post the photos on Snapchat every day, as if he is flaunting them!
So that’s also painful for me to see he has the “time” in his so very busy life, to call up these girls & take them out or invite them over, but doesn’t want to even OPEN a message from me.
Just never ever ever saw this coming. Any of it. I was happy everything was going so well & then I see/experience all of this. I just want to get over him asap
Ashley
Thank you so much Robs, very sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with this crap too.
I feel that it may be the classic case of the minute I stop thinking about him, he’ll sense it & message me then. But as long as I’m upset he won’t. Guys can always sense when you’re moving on, it’s a radar. In fact when he added me on snapchat in June, it was so freaky because the night befor was when I FINALLY deleted his number. I said he is gone, there is no use in holding onto his number, clearly he’ll never talk to me again. Then bam, the next morning, he added me on Snapchat & said “there you are!”
My one guy friend said I should give him an ultimatum but I can’t because that would make me look like an even bigger idiot I think. Since he hasn’t opened any of my messages, it would look like I’m talking to myself. I can’t give an ultimatum to someone who isn’t talking to me :( my last attempt at contact was the snap message on Friday. After seeing he wouldn’t open, I realized I must not send any message again from then on.
I just feel like such an idiot. You’re so right, he has way less regard for my feelings than I thought! In person he is so proper & gentleman, opens all my car doors & seems so attentive but look how he is, won’t even say a word to me for 2 weeks! I can’t imagine being that way to another human being
Ashley
Thank you all, feeling a bit better already just to talk about it with others because my friends weren’t helping, they only said about a sentence each haha
L
He posts daily pics of himself with women at his home drinking and wearing various clothes including pajamas and it never occurred to you the man is a full on player? Are you trying to date Hugh Hefner jr?
Ashley
L, hahahaha that’s exactly what I said the other day, who does he think he is, hugh hefner? 😂😂
Lisa
“I feel that it may be the classic case of the minute I stop thinking about him, he’ll sense it & message me then. But as long as I’m upset he won’t. ”
Ghosting is very often about getting attention, getting the other person to chase/feel nervous/wonder/ponder/ruminate.
Seems to be a real player. Hope you get to meet much much better guys.
I don’t know what this is about. Beginning to wonder if there a loads of personality disordered people out there. I have never ever ghosted a guy. Always gave an explanation before i left.
Shoshannah
I’m sorry Ashley. He’s not opening your messages not because you’re a pain the ass for him, but because he wants to put you on hold. Not even opening them gives him more options to come up with some lame excuse later on, when he feels like re-activating your story again. He just put you on a shelf at the moment, is enjoying other toys now, but he plans to maybe play with you again one day, when he feels like this (sorry for a harsch comparison, but that’s how players and narcissists view people – as toys that can be put on a shelf every now and then and picked up later). He is so not worth your stress. From your posts here, you really seem like a sweet and nice person.
Amanda
I am sorry this is happening to you. But when you took him back after that BS story, he knew he could treat you however he wanted. This was not just a classic case of ghosting. He was your boyfriend of over a year! Really a boyfriend of over a year gives up just because you are deleted off whats ap? You realize any decent man would have done whatever it takes to contact you. Look you up, call your friends, write you a letter, etc. A boyfriend does not lose your number and then is like, “welp I guess that’s over”.
You need to never think about him again and work on your issues so you get in a place where you would never even consider taking a man like this back.
alia
Awe Ashley I’m so sorry. Dump this pajama gigolo. Seriously, what is wrong with the world these days. The man has options, well, so be it, it’s not like you don’t have options. You have plenty of options, girlfriend.
Lizzy
Give yourself 24 hours to feel whatever you want about this. Rant all you want in that 24 hours. Then… DROP IT and move on or this will eat you up. You’ve already wasted time on a guy who you knew already was no good. I’m sure commiserating about it here and getting sympathy feels good but if you do it for more than a day or so, it doesn’t pass through, it stays stuck and you will get more of the same.
Ashley
I remember he didn’t talk to me for this length of time once before, about a year ago. He texted me back on the 2 week mark though, & said “sorry my phone has been blown up with messages & calls & work has been too much, just checking through my messages now, feel really bad I missed so many messages from you, didn’t even notice” but only difference was because he was in Dubai then….so thanks to Snapchat I’ve seen all the time he DOES have to party it up. But yeah he has went MIA before & at times for less time, like a week to 9 days. But never more than this 2 week nonsense. The fact he didn’t open my message on Snapchat is what really hit me, he really comes off as narcissistic. A normal guy would at minimum have consideration for my feelin. I remember the other times he went MIA last fall he didn’t even mention why he didn’t text in all those days! No apology or explanation as if nothing happened. When I remember that stuff, it’s like there are these red flags, true people don’t change!
Ashley
Shoshannah, Thank you, yes put me on hold that sounds exactly it! If he wanted to “get rid of me” he could just say some line, but it’s like he wants to do whatever then only talk to me when he “feels like it” , you worded that perfectly! Thanks!
Ashley
Amanda yeah you’re absolutely right, he must think “she’ll believe what I tell her like before” which I am now realizing is my fault. Thanks!
alia
Shoshannah is right. If you put up any fuss about his disappearances, he would be gone. You’re making it easy for him to do as he pleases and he is using that.
Ashley
Alia, Thank you!
Ama
Dear Ashley,
you ask yourself why “Hugh Hefner” acted the way he did?! It doesn’t matter! He is a fool!
Yes, next time listen to your gut feeling (because you probably had the “feeling” something was off when he came up with that first excuse, didn’t you?), but don’t blame yourself for being a human who doesn’t constantly see lie and deceit around every corner. Look out for the good people and you will meet them!
I feel you, because I have been in your situation not just once but many times in my dating-life and felt as “naive” as you (and I fell for really crude excuses, too embarrrassing to tell ;-) ). One day, you will meet someone you will have an effortless relationship, because this guy will want to be by your side and won’t make you wonder about his intentions!! It happened to me and it will happen to you! And: He lost out on a good person-his loss! BTW, all this guys that lied and had lame excuses are still in Hugh-Hefner-mode, but they are in their 40ies and 50ies!! They don’t change! :-DAmanda
Just move on and learn from this. The good news is the next guy will be much much better!
Time to move on
Ashley
I don’t see any indication in the two years past that this man ever committed to you as a bf. His lifestyle of the rich and famous seems to impress and dazzle you, yet I would never be with a man like this. Just because he is polite and opens a car door doesn’t mean he is a good man. All the picture posting of women every day is telling men that he is lucky and telling women he has his pick and isn’t going to be a one woman man. I am not trying to hurt you but his bad behavior towards you appears to have occurred throughout this ‘relationship’ Men don’t just stop talking to you for a few weeks at a time and then make the excuse they didn’t see your message. Does he really believe you are a dumb blonde? If he cared for you he would have been actively wanting to connect with you over that two weeks. Not making excuses your message got buried because he is so busy and has so much going on socially. The guy is a playboy and doesn’t mind showing this on social media. You say you love him but I don’t see where he has ever really reciprocated that with you. What do you love about him? I think you love the idea of him. And I would challenge you to think about this. You gave this man way too many opportunities to disrespect you and kept allowing him back in your life. If a man I was seeing seriously for a year up and disappeared I would never entertain talking with him unless he was in a coma all that time. Unfortunately he knows how much you love and want him. Which is why he pops in and out at will. It’s cruel, but common thing for a person, not just a man to do. If someone likes you that much it’s beyond easy to take advantage of them. I would cut all ties with this man and delete all social media. He will just keep coming back and opening the scab on your wounds, -
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