I'm a mess after a break-up – help :(

I’m not assuming anyone here can help me fix this, it’s more trying to understand WHY I let this hurt me so much? I feel so stupid for letting myself get so invested so fast – what the hell?!

I was trying to find one old friend on IG and then end up finding another, his cousin, who is a good 10 years younger than me. He’s now 38, divorced, 3 times already. He is also my distant cousin, 3rd cousin.

And rather than leading me to reaching the guy I wanted to (an ex of mine) he stepped up in a huge way, loved all my pics and would not stop chatting and flirting with me and immediately called me that night. We talked for a while, it was nice. We were both kind of weirded out by being attracted to each other (since the last time I knew him well he was in his teens) so I was used to seeing him as a kid, and he was used to just seeing me as some grown up, lol.

We got beyond that, and things were NICE. Fun actually, but he kept wanting me to look at his posts on IG, and then I notice it – LOTS Of drinking. I mean a lot.

I then noticed he was only calling me late at night – I felt suspicious. I told him I suspected he had someone else, and wasn’t gonna talk to him anymore. He then called and confessed, his daughter has autism, so he lives with his parents who help him care for her. Okay, after that, things were fine with us.

He got flirty, sexual over the phone, but we could not see each other (he’s another state for now but coming back here where I am soon) due to the pandemic. We both wanted to. But the drinking thing lingers on my mind. He grew up with a dad who was a drinker/drug abuser who mistreated his mom… did this mean he was the same?

I tried to speak to him about the drinking in a calm way, he denied this was an issue.

Skipping to the blow up here, a month into our routine, in the aftermath of him confessing that he was in the midst of ‘settling a score’ with an ex (which ex? Wife, gf?) and in some big way that sounded like trouble. He could tell that this bothered me in the tone of my voice, but REFUSED to elaborate, leaving me in the dark.

The next night, minding my own business, one of my friends came over – we were having fun; cooking, doing make-up to take new pics, working out here at home, very happy.

He messages me, asked I’m okay or upset with him. I tell him I am not upset, ask if he’s upset with me? No. Okay, good on both sides.

He says he’s out of it (meaning he’s not calling me tonight) and I say “Okay.” Really, I was fine with it. I was having my fun with my friend, Sheila.

He goes on, he’s “Out of it.” He’s “Regretting all the mistakes” he’s made and how he’s messed up his life… how whatever issues with the ex he initiated has made his own family mad at him. Okay, I tell him I know this is hard, but you’re going to be fine, I say.

Later, not much later, it hits my feed that he’s posting some love scene of a guy falling in love with some girl — obviously, this ties into his recent events with the ex, and that was IT.

I lost it.

I tell him in private chat that I am un-following him.

I tell him that I have no more time for this.

This hurt me a lot, I didn’t say that, but I felt it.

If YOU are STILL emotionally tied to someone, want her back, are on the rebound, then WHY are you non-stop barking up my tree?! Why wasn’t this openly discussed in so many conversations? I had some right to be put on notice.

I had not been dishonest with him, not hid anything from him. I was too upset to express myself more, and I just needed space/distance to process this.

He acts all like I’m crazy. Calling me ‘Strange,’ and all I said was ‘Nonsense.’

The next day, he messaged me, I explained things, saying that I had felt as if I was being used as some sort of distraction.

He says he’s sorry. Asks why I hate him, I said I don’t hate you. But don’t make it all my fault, because it takes two.

Long story short, he then proceeded to get VERY quiet, but refused to block me, refused to delete my messages, and here and there if we communicated, it was less than 4 words kind of thing.

Being fed up, 3 nights ago, I took charge and blocked him since he would not block me. IN spite of not doing it, he wasn’t exactly opening up to clear the air.

I didn’t want to be put on some shelf, waiting to see if he’d come back, or not. I didn’t want to be hurt more.

Look, I saw enough red flags, I know this was potentially a problem, and YET, I HATE that I feel so AWFUL, so hurt, so upset – I did what was, I think, the smartest thing considering the circumstances. And for him to then upset me, and then act as if HE was the victim, all quiet and distant and licking his wounds, really?

Perhaps I’m just disappointed, but it sure felt like we liked each other A LOT and I can’t do 50% in — I had a lot of feelings for him and for me, that’s not easy. I can have 15 guys coming on to me, and all of them will mean nothing… so when I like someone, I REALLY like them.

Sigh. Sorry if this is long, just need to try and see understand why it is all of this so deeply hurt me and I feel as if I am too sensitive when it comes to men… as far as he’s concerned, I don’t think that if his actions are what broke it, that I should be the one who has to fix it. I believe if a man wants you, he won’t waste time and let you slip away, I gave him enough time in the aftermath and so I know letting this go is right. I just wish it didn’t hurt this much.