I'm into my best male friend and he got a girlfriend

Take a step back for a minute. You’re pining away for someone who is technically, geographically, and emotionally unavailable. His relationship is unstable and he has commitment issues, so if you were with him you would have the same kind of rocky romantic relationship because that’s all he’s capable of giving. Don’t you deserve someone available to you who can actually meet your needs?

In regards to your friendship, if you can’t stop thinking about having stronger feelings for him, you’re going to need to give yourself a break to get over them or you’ll just be torturing yourself. You’re also pretending to be just a good friend, and if he finds out you’re still trying to get with him after he’s declined, it will hurt your friendship because he can’t trust you. I had this happen to me except I was on your friend’s side of things, and it did indeed end up ruining our friendship. You don’t have to tell him your feelings if you really don’t want to, though you can as an explanation to take the space you need. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about feeling a certain way, sharing it, and owning it so that you can move forward and do what’s best for yourself. If he’s a real friend, he’ll give you space and be happy to resume the friendship when you’re ready.

I pretty much always agree with most of the other regulars here. Maddie and Liz in particular give insightful and helpful and diplomatic advice. I agree with what they’ve said here.

My style is more blunt. And I’m going to be blunt here. (Although I do try to be diplomatic too.)

“He has big commitment issues and have told me about them.”

Guy says that to me, and it’s instant game over. He just TOLD me he’s incapable of creating a health connection in a romantic relationship and he will FOR SURE hurt me.

Unfortunately some women take that as a challenge to be the one who helps him conquer his commitment issues. Sounds like that’s what you’re doing here.

He’s dating someone else and still talking and flirting with you behind her back. What’s that mean?

1) He has no respect for her and is being dishonest with her
2) You are his back-up plan and he’s using you as a convenience
3) What he’s doing to her, he will absolutely do to you

Yet you still think you’re a better match for him than her. SMH.

The issue isn’t really him, it’s you. You’re choosing to pursue and stay hung up on a man who’s told you up front, point blank he’s no good in a relationship. Why? That’s the real issue you should focus on. Next, you’re 30. He’s 45. That’s a considerable age difference and you’re in very different places in life. Why is that attractive when there are many men out there around your age available? Has he ever been married? A man at that age who hasn’t been married ever, or a man at that age who is actively pursuing women much younger, has major issues and is a poor relationship prospect.

There is no “strategy” to “stay friends” – and may I point out any relationship you need a “strategy” for is one that isn’t really very good for you.

Tell this guy you’ve realized you need to date closer to your age, wish him well and then block. Walk away and don’t look back. You’re 30. This is prime dating time in your life to find a suitable life partner. Don’t waste it on guys like this, you can’t ever get back the time.

Kill your romantic feelings for him – no contact for a minimum of 6 months. Maybe up to a year in this case.

Be warned… if you hang onto him you may find it hard to find a lasting relationship with another man especially if you have unavailable issues yourself. Staying connected to this guy could block you from meeting anyone else. And be honest, are you using him as a father substitute or back-up guy.

And when you do find a lasting relationship, your BF might be uncomfortable with the closeness you have with a single man and might be well within his rights to ask you to terminate that relationship. If you’ve never been in a relationship you haven’t run into this issue, but it does come up.

I think you’re turning a blind eye to the fact that a decent person wouldn’t be continuing to contact you and flirt when he presently has a girlfriend. That’s not a person I’d want as a friend – that’s weakness in integrity and character. I’ve gotten very picky about my friends. No one’s perfect, but someone who’s willing to lie and cheat and use people in any area of their life will do it in all areas of their life. When people show you who they are, believe them. I’m very clear on my standards for both friends and boyfriends, that’s come with life experience. I’m a bit older than you. At 30, you may not yet understand.

That’s my two cents. Your life, your choices. Good luck!

Also, to build on Angiebaby’s point about what it says about his integrity that he sometimes still flirts with you… he’s doing this because he’s “taken” and it’s “safe” and a way for him to keep one foot out of his own commitment. So, his choices aren’t really about you either. Just because you have issues doesn’t mean you should try to make things work out with someone else with issues. That’s a sure way to make your issues hurt much more, because damaged people who aren’t seeking their own help can’t look out for you properly. They just don’t have the capacity. If you were with him, he’d probably have another woman to “innocently” flirt with on the side. That’s not a person with whom you can build a strong or consistent foundation of trust, as a lover or a friend.

I’d expect that once they break up, he’ll get very hot and cold about flirting with you. He’ll come in hot when he needs validation and attention, then run away if it looks like there’s any chance things could become more real. Rinse and repeat, your own heartbreak to follow. Or, as Angiebaby also said, if you’re not single and you’ve got your own boyfriend by then, he will feel either threatened or disrespected by your single guy friend who disrespects your relationship by sometimes flirting with you.

You can not be ‘friends’ with someone you have feelings for. The only thing that will help kill your feelings is space & lots of it…

I don’t know if you understand what has happened here. I have made a very close friend who I was falling in love with and another woman stole him away from me before I found out his feelings about it all. This is what it looks like from my perspective.

So I feel angry with the new woman and I feel robbed of both my friendship and budding romance. She has come from nowhere and succeeded to make him commit to her in no time, something that I was not successful in. I can’t help wondering where my bad luck comes from.

If this man’s relationship breaks down I won’t miss out on the opportunity to tell him how I feel. That can’t happen if I have blocked him and moved on. So I guess I’m just not willing to give up just yet.

And if I succeed to move on and meet a boyfriend, then that boyfriend will not be able to control my life and decide which friends I am allowed to have. I will never get together with someone like that.

What Raven said. This woman didn’t “steal” anything away from you. If the guy truly had feelings for you, and was emotionally available to act on them, no one would have been able to “steal” him from you!

You yourself said the guy “friend zoned” you, and you’ve never even kissed or held hands with this guy. That right there shows a lack of true romantic interest in you. Guys don’t friendzone a woman they have a romantic interest in.

I understand your disappointment and pain. But being resentful and seeing this woman as an enemy will get you nowhere. If the guy wanted you, he’d have you, period. I feel for you because I’ve honestly been where you’ve been. You should value yourself enough to not pine for a man who has shown he doesn’t want you. It’s really as simple as that. I hope you are able to get some perspective and get over this the way I eventually was able to.

” If he were interested in that budding relationship with you, he would have reciprocated (to you).”

He was reciprocating, we had a mutual bond and still have. I have never tried to kiss him or tell him how I feel. He started the friend zoning when he realized I didn’t want to move. We just took it really slow, since we are both reluctant to commitment and need a lot of time. Then all of a sudden this unknown woman comes in and gets him hooked in no time. I always get bad vibes when relationships form too quickly, so I bet it is the wrong type of woman for him. And the fact that he has constant anxiety about their relationship is a red flag. He still needs me and want to speak on the phone so obviously he doesn’t get what he needs from her.

I will keep my distance and let him miss me. Maybe that’s the only way for him to see me in a new light.

I understand you. I loved interacting with the guy I was involved with! We had so many amazing experiences together. We even traveled together to really fascinating places. I did enjoy our interactions and conversations, of course, which is why I wanted a relationship with him. I will never meet anyone like him again, I know that. But that’s okay, because I realize now the relationship wasn’t balanced. He was taking energy from me and I was not getting the same in return. We are still on good terms and I bear him no ill will. We just didn’t want the same things. His originality and quirkiness didn’t make up for the fact that he couldn’t meet my emotional needs. I wanted a romantic relationship and he didn’t. He loved speaking on the phone with me and hanging with me even if he was involved with other women. So I think I understand your situation.

My bf now is a fascinating person in his own right, we travel together, we do so many fun things! I have fond memories with the other guy, but I feel a warmth, love, and sense of security with my bf that I never, ever felt with the other guy. What I have now is so much better than anything I had with him. It’s deep, it’s romantic, it’s sexual, and most importantly it’s 100% reciprocal. He wants me the way I want him, and that’s worth more than anything. I wish you the best of luck, I truly think if you are able to take some distance, you will have a different take on this guy.

He does not have commitment issues
He is already committed to his girlfriend!
Stop

LOL at Tammy! Now I have a mental image of an eagle swooping in to snatch a piece of meat! :-)

That’s a perfect analogy though. No woman can snatch away a man who is truly romantically interested in you. Tammy also has an excellent point about the distance, it does sound like the guy is being practical. Or at least, he didn’t have a strong enough interest in you to make it work over the distance, so he found someone local to date. That makes a lot of sense. You should get your head out of the clouds about this guy and be practical too. You will meet someone better, once you truly let go.

Update on the situation:

The guy actually called me from his girlfriend’s place the other day and we had a nice, friendly conversation. I told him to say hi and he did.

This has helped me to get closure and I am now focussing more on myself and my future. Sometimes no contact makes it worse while a phone call could give the closure you need. Especially coming from him, letting me know that we are still very good friends, he cares about me and he is openly showing that to his girlfriend. There is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I feel relieved that I could call him whenever I want without feeling worried or guilty. I will get over him faster when I know that I could call, but I probably won’t because I have other things to do.

His girlfriend is there for him which takes a load off my shoulders. I could still enjoy the friendship and connection while looking for my own Mr Right.