Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I’m loosing hope, Advice please!!
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Kate.
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Kate
I guess I just want some inside into relationship and dating. I got out of a long term relationship (6 years). It’s been 3 years since I’m single and I haven’t really been dating much. I guess I was scared of getting hurt again. I have dated 2 guys during that period of time and only lasted about 2-3months. Its always seem to started out great and he would make me feel like we wanted the same thing but in the end always run off. They either say they’re not ready for a relationship or they think I’m a great girl but they don’t think it will work out long term. It always left me feeling like I’m not good enough and I have lost a great guy. Dating seem to feel so draining and hard. I always try keep my emotions in check but always feel hurt every time.
I guess I just want to know have anyone experienced the feeling of loosing hope and feel like you will never find anyone? I feel like I’ll be alone forever at this stage. All the good decent guys are either all been taken or doesn’t want me. I’m in my mid 30s now
Keira
Lol all the time and usually it doesn’t pass 1-2 months 😄
Elvira
Do not lose hope Kate, I left an 18 year relationship when I had to go back to dating. I was 40 and I did the online thing for 2.5 years when I was just about to give up I met someone and fell in love like I had never before.
So do not lose hope. Once you gain that confidence (which shows and is a major attraction) and understand that it is never too late to fall in love! You have to be patient, have a fulfilling life and before you know it, it will happen!
Liz Lemon
If it helps, you should realize that it takes guys several months to decide whether they see a long term future with a woman. Most relationships end around the 2-4 month mark for that reason. It has to do with the way guys fall in love- it just takes them some time (you can Google this). So they can be really sweet and interested for several months, then they realize that you are not “the one” and they end the relationship. Women on the other end tend to decide about a guy quickly, and fall for him fast if he is a fun, good person and is treating them right.
So for future reference, don’t totally invest in a guy until at least about 4 months of dating have passed and you’ve formalized the relationship. It’s not a guarantee it will last forever of course, but it will save you a lot of heartache. Of course you should be open to a relationship, and get to know the guy, but just keep your heart from becoming 100% invested until some time has passed.
And yes, you will find someone :-) It’s hard not to stay positive I know, but be open to possibility, and also make sure you have a life of your own that you’re happy about. If you are living a fulfilled life, it will make dating easier– you’ll have more confidence, and also have more to offer a potential partner (if you are happy and fulfilled on your own). I am in my mid 40s and met my bf 3 years ago online, and we’re very happy–honestly I think we are better suited for each other than anyone else we have ever dated (or married! we are both divorced). We are both so comfortable together, we can truly be ourselves (which is a wonderful feeling in a relationship), we’re best friends but we’re also crazy about each other. So it is possible to find a good guy who is right for you.
AngieBaby
Great advice, Liz.
Women get all in way too fast. That’s the cause of most posts here.
You need to be evaluating during the first 3-4 months if this guy meets your standards or not, instead of planning the wedding. LOL
You also have to love yourself and love your life as it is. You cannot be putting out a desperate vibe.
Maddie
You talk a lot in your post about how you’re scared and feeling hurt, men “run off” and you feel “left”. You’re down on yourself and telling yourself a story that the men you date are great, better than you, and so of course they won’t want you. It’s right there in your choice of words.
This too: “All the good decent guys are either all been taken or doesn’t want me.”
This isn’t true, though. Unless YOU believe it, in which case it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy because you’re dating from a primarily fear-based place instead of a place of learning about someone and seeing if it’s even a worthwhile connection. Scarcity mentality will sabotage your dating prospects. You’ll actually mostly attract and choose men who won’t commit, though it won’t be on purpose.
The good news is, you can do something about this that doesn’t depend on the men you’re meeting. It takes turning inward and working on your self-esteem somewhat so that you’re not seeing the men / relationship as a prize, it’s the cherry on top to living the life you want and deserve. Like the ladies said above, feeling good about yourself and your life is key. It may sound cliche, but it really does help you meet better matches because these flakey guys don’t want to pursue someone who has her $h*t more together than they do, so you filter out the noise after a couple dates. They self-select out quickly and you don’t waste your time.
Changing my own perspective on all this helped me meet an amazing and committed guy around your age. It wasn’t when I stopped looking or stopped caring or anything like that, it was once I stopped dating out of fear and insecurity and felt okay about myself. Then I met someone exactly on the same level. It takes time and is not easy work to figure out how to overcome those fears, but it’s definitely possible!
Lane
Agree with Maddie in that your fear of being hurt again, is what’s actually hurting you.
Fear can be immobilizing. Fear can hold you back. Fear can keep you from love. Fear can keep you stuck. But Fear can also be a good friend by keeping you from falling in love with the wrong man.
I know all about it as I walked in those shoes for almost a decade after my 20+ year marriage ended. I swore to myself I was never going to love again, protect myself from that kind of hurt, and be single for the rest of my life. I did a really good job of keeping that self-made promise for quite a long time!
Then this one guy came along. I don’t know why I was able to drop my ‘wall of fear’ with him over others who tried, and failed but I did. It took him about six months to do it but he didn’t give up. Its been over 4.5 years now and he’s just as loving, kind, and committed to me, and our relationship as he was when I asked him about a couple months in “what the hell do you want?” and his response was “I want you.”
My advice to you is to lighten up, and don’t take dating so seriously. Dating is merely a method to meet a potential partner/mate; no differently than the method employers use to hire a potential employee; a homebuyer uses to purchase a home; or how friendships are formed—its merely a selection process.
I’m sure there have been times you met a guy, and either early on, or over some time (2 – 3 months) didn’t want to keep seeing him because he didn’t posses the attributes of what you liked, wanted, needed and/or looking for in a partner. Just because the guy didn’t possess *IT* (what you were looking for) doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him, or he’s unlovable because their will be a lady who thinks he’s all that, and a bag and chips.
This is why you really shouldn’t take dating personally. Sometime it takes awhile longer to get to know someone beyond the surface before you can really know if they are the right match for you or not. This is why I always multi-dated because I found it was much better to get to know men, on a non-romantic level first, before I could determine which one I meshed with/liked the best, and then devote my time too him (stop dating others). Just because I didn’t chose the others didn’t mean they weren’t good, great or decent guys, because many of them were but I just couldn’t *get there* (fall in love). It would be mean for me to keep seeing them knowing it wasn’t going anywhere, so I freed them up to meet the lady who they were meant to be with. This is what the guys you mentioned did for you, and did for me too, and we’ve done for them when we knew it wasn’t going to last.
That’s the mindset you need to adopt in dating because you really don’t want to waste too much time with ‘any guy’ but the right guy. He’s still out there waiting to meet you; you just haven’t met him yet :o)
Kary
Hi Kate,
I am literally in the exact same situation as you. Same exact
6 year relationship that ended 4 years ago. Early 30s and haven’t met anyone worth more than 2 dates in those 4 years. I am also often feel discouraged. The worst part for me is I have barely meet men or get approached, so my options are always limited.I will say however, I think of all the times I could have settled for some random guy giving me the bare minimum, or even the one that lasted 6 years but I just knew he wasn’t it; and I am grateful I haven’t. Sometimes being alone is better than settling for someone who makes you feel alone or wish you were (I’ve been there before).
Stay strong, hopeful, and know that you aren’t alone.
Kate
Thank you everyone for your advices and comments. I realise I do fear of getting hurt again and it is stopping me from moving forward. I know I am very negative and judged myself a lot, but I do want to change that. You are right though, it is better to be alone than being with the wrong person who make me feel alone. I will try and work on my self esteem more and focus on my life more. I hope that by building my own life and confident, I will come across the right guy when the time comes.
It help a lot knowing there are others who also been where I am and came out stronger and happier. I know I still have a lot of work to do to improve myself and my mindset. All your words are great encouragement for me to take the first step in doing so.
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