Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › I'm perfect but no relationship
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 3 years, 11 months ago by
tammy.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Sarah
I have a guy friend where we dated, it was awful timing for both of us had come out of serious relationships and we decided to stay friends.
For a long while there had been a bad time of mixed signals, and both of us weren’t in a good place to smooth things over.
We have lots in common, understand each other and this is someone i care about very much.
After a year since we dated, we had sex around Christmas time and – as he had made it clear there would be no relationship – i decided to not speak to him and go no contact for around 5 weeks. Since this time (we both play in a band together) he has been a lot more open and communicative and a better friend. Yesterday, he stayed over (no sex) and we had a whole day of walking together and talking about relationships and having fun.Now we get to the point,this guy said he “loves and respects me”, agrees there’s an attraction and a connection, and that what i offer is EXACTLY what he is looking for – however he doesn’t want a relationship from me and plans to date others.
After such a long time of things having been pressured and tense, i was supportive of his decision and have said i will try and be more open to dating others myself so as not to hinder our friendship with unrequited feelings.
Although i am happy to do this and like the new direction and change in behaviour- i feel connection in this way quite rarely and am hoping that with no pressure that he will eventually feel differently in months to come.
Can anyone offer any advice to help support me in this, as i need to move forward but also cannot help feeling a little sad about this. I have given him unconditional love and support which i have no intention of retracting, but i do need to get my limited edition appeal and respect back. I have tried to date others before but it was very obviously forced.
It seems so odd to me to get on with someone so well, who trusts you, and cares for you, and finds you attractive – but at present is opting for the new and mysteriousness of new dates. I wish the timing had been better!
Tallspicy
Yes, stop being friends with someone who is simultaneously being more attentive and telling you they dont want to see you. You will abandon yourself for this man in a multitude of ways and gain nothing. You have other friends. No friend will keep f-ing you every now and then and then get your hopes up and then tell you how perfect you are, but they want to date others. Gross. Seriously gross.
This is not a timing issue, so never say that again. You need to remember he says you are perfect and then wants to openly date others. So, it is in fact you he does not want to date. Why is irrelevant.
He was not your friend and indeed is not your friend. Tell him you are moving on, are appreciative of your time together and need to pull away and ask him to respect that. If he changes his mind, give you a call.
Also do some self work about why you find a man so dismissive of you attractive.
Tallspicy
He will not feel differently. He will assume that because you stick around you are a free therapist and ok with him treating you poorly. Romantic love is not unconditional so please treat yourself better than this man is. And stop people pleasing to get him to like you more. You will fix him up for someone else, you wont be the woman he chooses because you did not stand up for yourself and walk away from what is a lose lose for you.
T from NY
I don’t think it’s about timing here. Men look for some undefinable thing that I’m convinced they are not even sure they know what it is. Unfortunately the “perfect” girl for them is not the girl they want. I’m older, but I’m finding a lot of men want a woman who needs them or idolizes them or treats them like crap. Sad but true. The healthy ones are out there — and they will appreciate all your good qualities. You’re experiencing unrequited feelings and those are often times tender and go along with a lot of good memories. I would keep as much distance from this dude as possible if you ever want to get over him. I’ve dated a lot since my divorce in last six years and learning to be alone is essential BUT what mostly gets me over a man, is a crush on another man! Even if you feel it’s close to impossible to care about someone else the way you do your crush or ex, you will be intrigued and you will develop feelings for others – when you give yourself the chance.
T from NY
And….. what Tallspicy said all day long
Padmini
I am glad to find that you are on the right track with your awareness that you need to regain your appeal & respect. It does seem that the guy is depriving you of both.
I agree with the other Poster that romantic love is not unconditional. You rather deserve somebody who finds you appealing & gives you that respect you deserve. Maybe you can work on finding that appeal and respect from yourself at first.
I am surprised to find that you would consider yourself “perfect,” which itself is toxicity and delusive perspective. I generally find that the expectation of perfection, whether from oneself or the other, sabotages the relationship.
I agree with the others that timing is not the issue here. At this point, it does not appear as if the guy wishes for a relationship with you. I hold the perspective (which others may either agree or disagree with) that when two people are a good match for one another, all will fall into place.
So I would advise you to detach from this guy and move on. Good luck!
Maddie
Every time I’ve ever heard this, the man was emotionally unavailable (and usually didn’t even know it), didn’t know what he wanted, didn’t understand his feelings and was disconnected from himself, only reacted to people instead of building a proper connection, and only was attracted to women he couldn’t fully have. Because real intimacy was too scary. When I was younger I thought it was timing too, maybe immaturity he’d grow out of, and it never was. If we ran in similar circles and stayed in touch, they always proceeded to repeat being terrible and confusing partners to other women after me.
You’re dodging a bullet, so listen to him and believe him. Intense mismatches in words and actions and feelings like this are some of the biggest red flags going. You’re not going to get him to ever want to commit to you, and if you back off and he changes his mind and comes back, it’ll be short-lived because he’ll lose interest again once you’re available. Do yourself a favor and cut the cord, don’t waste your time. Even if it’s painful, it’ll be far less painful to move on now and explore why you’re into the idea of coupling up with a guy who can’t provide you with anything real or stable.
When I used to find it very rare to have good chemistry and connections and hated letting go of dating potential (as opposed to dating someone fully committed), it turned out to be because I was attracted to and choosing unavailable men. This really turned around once I dug into why that was and did something about it on my end, even though it wasn’t easy to face. It was still the only way out of getting stuck in situationships like this.
Raven
You’re in a band together… How are you going to feel when he starts shagging someone else? It. Will. Happen.
tammy
recipe for disaster. break off with him. start dating others and maybe you will find someone who knows his mind and like you and wants to be with you only.
-
AuthorPosts
