I'm pretty sure that I've just caught my boyfriend cheating

The best way to convey to a man that he is useless and beneath you, is to not give him the time of day.

Do not contact him, even to bitch him out,it let’s him know you are thinking of him. Men know when a woman won’t interact with them in any way, they are done. Silence says something words never can. It says-you are not important enough to occupy my thoughts and I am well rid of you.

Anything you say will make you look and feel small and petty in the end, if not embarrassed. It may feel good in the moment, but when you have time to reflect on it, it would likely make you cringe.

He isn’t worth once second of your time-he’s a complete douche.

Silence says more to a man than words can ever say.

Trust me, if you go quiet, he’ll get the message.

Yall are going to give up on me. I just cant overlook things. One woman lives almost an hour away and he would drive way out there while i was 15 minutes away. That is telling me thst i am the issue.

I will stop postijg for a while

Numb… sit down and write down all these thoughts about why you think it’s about you or your “fault” that he did this and didn’t want you. Get them OUT on paper. It’s cathartic. It will help you realize how silly they are. Then BURN THE PAPER and let it all go.

We all do this sometimes. You just have to redirect your thoughts. This was not about you. This was not the right man for you any way you slice it.

Now, focus on something you like to do. The more you ruminate about this, the deeper a groove it cuts and the harder it will be to let it go.

Accept, rather than resist, what is going on and it will pass much quicker.

Hugs.

Numb,
My heart breaks that you keep putting this back on yourself and taking blame for something that isn’t yours to take. You are not what is lacking in this equation, it is him.

This guy is no good, plain and simple-he’s just bad news. I am so sorry you are hurting and that someone so beneath you captured your heart. He never deserved you. And it’s just sad that there are so many women who also think so little of themselve, that they put up with or throw themselves at him.

There is nothing lacking in you. This is not about some other woman being better or more than you. How many times do we see men who have an amazing wife or girlfriend, yet cheat w/someone who is a complete mess in every way. This does not diminish the person cheated on, it diminishes the cheater, and speaks volumes about the cheaters character.

In fact, if he realized you were the type who would not put up with nonsense he may have gone “trolling”. To further complicate this, if he is a narcissist or has some other attachment disorder (sounds possible) then nothing anyone does will generate a real connection, because a critical part of your humanity is missing with those disorders.But my point is he may have sought a “lesser/easier” target since it’s all about his ego anyway.

Please stop revisiting this/him and turning it over and over. No explanation will really matter in the end. Other than this-you deserve, better, are better, and will have better. You are punishing yourself. Please stop it.

My sister is a depressive person, and like you are stating here, she automatically turns things inwards and blames herself-and thinks it’s proof of her worthlessness when something falls through. This is not healthy. Now a little introspection is a good thing, if we need make small improvements for ourselves (to learn, grow, and “stretch”). But this isn’t what she does, and it’s not what you are doing here. And I know this, because when we stretch ourselves to be better, while it can be painful, it is not destructive. It is constructive. This self-blaming/loathing is destructive and not helpful whatsoever.

My sis and I joke that I am the glass half full person and she is the glass half empty side .I hate to see anyone that goes through life “glass half empty”.

I have not led an easy carefree life, but every tragedy and setback has made me realize how precious life is, how quickly it can be snatched away, I cherish my friends and family, appreciate my career and the ability to work, am grateful I have full use of all my limbs and mental factulties, and know like is a challenge but a journey worth taking, as there are so many joys yet undiscovered.

I think I just may have had an epiphany moment, and I’m sharing it in the hope it helps you and maybe someone else on this forum.

While I believe everything in life is a learning experience, and those especially bad experiences generally offer the most opportunity for growth and learning, it’s all a choice.

I don’t blame myself when someone doesn’t like me (platonic or romantic). If there is a situation that teaches me there is something I feel I need to change within myself to be a better person, I make those changes. And by being a better person, this is not about the superficial. I am referring to any of the following (being a better listener, more compassionate, more patient, less judgemental, being able to compromise effectively without sacrificing my core beliefs and values, being more graceful and forgiving (when approriate-but not being a doormat), being a better communicator, being more supportive, happy, and accepting). I’m sure the list could continue indefinitely, but you get the idea.

This doesn’t mean I never get sad or hurt. I am human, and I get hurt all the time. If I didn’t I wouldn’t care about anyone or anything. But I never get hopeless, and I think it’s the reason is that I don’t take things too personally.

Not everyone is going to like me, nor them. That is ok, as long as we don’t mistreat or disrespect one another. But I am always true to myself, and I have a “take me or leave me” attitude, meaning I am who I am. I am okay if some people don’t like who that is, cause I like myself. And I like myself because being kind is one of the most beautiful traits anyone can have. I try to be kind whenever possible. But I am also very straightforward, so few people can say they don’t know where they stand with me. But some people don’t like a direct personality, and that’s okay.

I don’t worry why they don’t like me,I’m just not their cup of tea. But many people do find me to be their cup of tea, so to speak. So bottom line is, I spend little to no time focusing on anytihing negative in my life, but I spend most of the time appreciating, marveling, focusing…. on the positives. I can honestly find a “pro” in almost every “con in my life.

Even through one of my biggest heartbreaks, the death of my dad (when I was barely out of highschool) had a silver lining. It brought my mom, sister, and I, as well as much of our extended family so much closer.

So honestly, I believe happiness is all about the lens through which we see the world, and it’s a choice.

I hope you see and embrace that, and find your own happiness.. When you find that in yourself, you will be ready for some amazing man who can and should try to earn your wonderful self. Big big hug xo

Thank you to everyone that has taken time out of their lives to provide input. I really appreciate it. Keep doing what you’re doing. You never really know how much you can help a person with your words.

After last night and how bad of a shape I was in, I’ve decided that I’m not going to feel like that anymore. I really do think that it is my own thoughts that are making me feel as bad as I felt last night. With that being said, I’ve come up with a summary of what I’ve decided is going on. It really doesn’t matter if the summary is true or not because I don’t know the truth anyway. IF I am going to thinking about things and reflect on them, I might as well reflect on things that make me feel good.

Here goes: I’m thinking that all my ex thinks about is sex. Each time I saw him, he would have a solid erection. He would have it without me even saying or doing anything to him. I doubt that is something that changed whenever he was around other people.

I think he did care about me and love me. But, only as a friend. The intense love that I had for him was one sided. He does not know how to have romantic love. His only love is for sex. Once upon a time, he told me that his parents would catch him masturbating at a young age. There was an issue with him and sex when he was young. There is something going on with him. Maybe something happened to him when he was a kid, who knows.

Anytime he is in a relationship, the only way he can possibly remain faithful is if his attention is kept. His attention is kept by focusing on his #1 which is sex. I always wanted lunch/dinner, movies, bowling. If we had lunch/dinner, I’d want to talk about… The Walking Dead..

There really isn’t anything wrong with me. He is very attracted to me, likes me and has a precentage of love for me but I spent too much time away from his main focus, which is sex.

No one woman can feed his hunger. Not one that has a job, hobbies and interest anyway. In addition, there are not many women that want to stay around a guy that just talks about sex all of the freaking time. They will leave him. In those cases, he does what we love and he strokes our heart strings. I think it is the women that recognized their options, had suitors etc that received engagements and promises for a future together from him.

I also think he is insecure. Having lots of women is also a way for him to feel like a validated man. Between that and the sex thing, he will always have many women. It really doesn’t matter if he’s in a relationship with me or anyone else. He’ll never be totally into anyone if they can’t focus on sex all of the time.

In the end, I think he battled between still wanting my sex and not wanting to harm me. So, he lied for as long as he could to protect my feelings. At the same time, he couldn’t resist using me for sex.

I don’t think he has a handle on his problem, so I will never receive an answer out of him. I do think if has affected him that he has lost me. I think this is his first loss from it. I think the others stay around. I think this will have him face his issue and anyone with this number of women, all of thise engagements, no sense to use condoms, porn all in the phone with pictures of women naked. It’s too much even for the average cheater. I think this is where the “I need your help” text came from. He knows I actually cared for him and nothing superficial like the others.

I can’t help him though. He needs professional help and I need to stay far away from him and wipe these tears.

As I mentioned, I can be completely wrong with my assessment but I don’t care – It makes me feel better so why not believe it?

Thank you guys so much for everything!

I was almost tempted to ask him what did he need my help with. He is playing with my faith. But, I will be strong and not contact him. After how he did me, he deserves whatever he is going through. That’s if he even is.

Numb,
I notice you post above is focused on HIM and not you.

Have you asked yiurself why you allowed yourself to be with a man like this? That is more important. Given what you write, he was never good bf material. Yet you allowed yourself to be sucked in and tolerated a lot of bad behavior. Your still making excuses for him.

Focus on you. What could you do better so as not to attract another man like this in your life.

I would like to continue on with my hobbies, take on more and meet like minded people. I want to travel more, a major city within the next couple of months. I want to be secure with and happy with who I am and believe that is enough.

Dear numb:

“Yall are going to give up on me. I just cant overlook things. One woman lives almost an hour away and he would drive way out there while i was 15 minutes away. That is telling me thst i am the issue. ”

Do you want to continue to believe that you were the issue? Remember he was lying to you. Is lying a good quality for a man that you want to be in a relationship with? Remember that he was lying to the other woman. Is that a good quality. Let’s just say yes, he liked this other woman more than he liked you. Does that mean that he was a great man who was honest, didn’t cheat and such? No, it does not. This man is not relationship quality, not for you, not for this other woman. She knows it but you would rather blame yourself for his bad behavior which is a sign of low self-esteem.

He could love you from here to the moon, but he’d still lie and he’d still cheat cause those are his values and they don’t get altered by how he feels about a woman, they are there for the bonus ride.

Can you see this? right now the fog is in your eyes cause you were or are in love with this guy, but when the fog lifs please re-read this and then it will make sense if it doesn’t already.

Numb
Dont focus one ounce of energy on him. Focus on you.

When i got out of a really bad relationship of 4 years, I put together a plan for myself.

Three columns: Personal, Professional and Financial

I then set goals (measurable goals) under each.

For example under personal health my goal was to hire a personal trainer and gain 10 pounds of muscle over the course of the next nice months. I set goals on how often I would train and what my diet would look like. I kept a log to track my progress and document that I did what I set out to.

I also planned a makeover. Dyed my hair back to blonde (my ex liked it darker) and updated my makeup.

Under financial I opened a money market account and started a new savings account.

Under Professional, I planned to get a new job. I wasn’t too happy with the current one and sought out collegues in my industry and was able to be recruited within 6 months.

Just some ideas..

Thank you. I will start on everything tonight. I’ve also started to welcome male suitors that I kept at bay.