I'm scared of intimacy. Help!

HiRebecca, I won’t say much becase I don’t KNOW a lot obout htis type of stuff.

Ys..I think a LOT of guys ARE turned off by too many fears in a woman but NOT ALL. The right guy would help you to work through them.

Any specific reason/incident in life that has you feeling this way ???

I think a lot of us are afraid to love, to trust, to risk having our hearts thrashed…me, I’m GOOD at boucncing back so I beleive the possible negatives are worth it for the probable positives, so I dive in, heart on my sleeve , everytime.. and take the risk. The reward IS great when it works out.

I am gettng better at NOT diving in so quick though!

Yes, I have reasons for my fears. Some reasons more obvious than others. Traumatic sexual experiences has left even the idea of that with a negative feeling. Plus, the few times I had consensual sex, it was also a bad experience. As in… I couldn’t relax, triggers or something happened, and I ended up crying (and my boyfriend at the time got really angry at me if I asked him to stop). As much as I want a different type of experience, it’s hard to not have all those experiences haunting me, and thinking if something happened this time, it would ruin this good relationship. So the fears come, even though I REALLY want to believe it could be different.

For the other more general fears though, I’m less sure. Maybe just general trust issues and feelings of being abandoned. Not from past men, but if I was analyzing, probably goes back to childhood. I learned very early on is the way to not get hurt is to not let people in.

In any case, I DON’T plan on doing the fade away. Because, sure, then I wouldn’t have to face the possibility of rejection, but I also wouldn’t face my fears. And the fact that these fears popped up so suddenly, so strongly tells me that if I avoid it, it’s just going to get stronger… and the feelings are likely to occur in any relationship I ever have. So I have to try something unless I want to never been in a deep relationship with anybody for the rest of my life…

Hi Rebecca.

I understand where you’re mental fear of a “serious relationship” (not physical intimacy) because I too have struggled with it after ending a 20 year marriage and swore I would never go through that again. I too allowed my FEAR to rule my mind for over 3 years until I finally found a man I was WILLING to take that first step with.

It was very liberating for me, because even though it didn’t work out due to the number of incompatibility issues that became larger the longer we were together (7 months), being able to jump OVER that mountain was a huge thing for me. I haven’t found another guy to take that journey with YET, but I when we do meet I know I won’t allow my fears to hold be back from it.

Are you in counseling? If not, I think now would be a good time to start with someone who’s an expert in the obstacles you’re facing so they can help you to work on overcoming these fears and barriers to accepting and giving love. He sounds like a great guy, and I think if you just take it one day at a time and not focus or worry about an unknown future human beings are unable to predict, the barriers will look far less formidable and easier to jump over. Hugs.

Aw Rebecca, I am so proud of you for having the nerve to do something about all of your fears, for having the presence of mind to be aware of them, for coming to a forum and seeking help, for researching, and for just plain being able to face up and admit to them! That takes a lot of nerve!

And I believe that’s your first step. Being able to admit them to us first. He sounds like an incredibly patient guy, and he obviously has strong feelings for you. If all your worst fears came true, you would both still be ok. You would survive! It wouldn’t break you into tiny pieces never to be whole again. Your fears are there for a reason, because you have a history and bad past experiences, and maybe even some trauma that you’re still working through. And that’s totally ok! Your fears are there to protect you, they’re normal.

It sounds like you’re aware that your fears can be debilitating, and they can get in the way of you living your life, doing the things you want to do, finding the fulfilling relationships you want. When the desire to live your life is stronger than your fears, I believe you will make things happen. Are you ready for it yet?

Maybe try some positive reinforcing thoughts! Think of it like a vitamin – it really is good to you to think kind things for yourself! When your mind is consumed with all the bad situations that could possibly happen, try forcing yourself to imagine the absolute best thing that could happen. What would you absolutely love to happen? Do you want to have amazing, life-altering sex with him? Go on travels around the world together and swim in exotic tropical pools of water, hike mountains and kiss on the peaks, taking selfies? Do you want to take long walks together every night, holding hands, talking about your days, talking about movies and books and friends and ideas? Do you want to wake up in the morning with his face next to yours on the pillow, his eyes peaceful, his breath soft and rhythmic, his warm arm wrapped around you? Try imagining wonderful things for the two of you, and do it often.

It’s ok if these things don’t actually happen, but you might find that it feels really good to imagine the positive. You might find that it’s just that much more comfortable to entertain the ideas of a successful relationship. And in turn, you might find that it’s that much easier to actually be in a successful relationship!

I also recommend you tell him. Just once, tell him you’ve got intimacy issues that you’re working through and how happy you are that he’s so patient. Say it just like that, and you’ll find he will be that much more patient with you!

Rebecca
I was engages and she left me. For some guy. I’m happy this happened now, but it changed me… it broke me in a weird way and I’m also terrified of touch and physical or emotional intimacy. Can you tell me how this turns out? Did you get over this? Because I’m experiencing the same panic attacks. my girlfriend sort of knows but not completely. I’ve told her and she’s very gentle with me, but I don’t feel it going away. How does this turn out?