Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › I’m so confused
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ANM Staff.
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Mia
I matched with a guy on Tinder around 3 months back. Initially, I did not want to consider ‘dating’ him because he had very recently broken up but I really I vibed with him so after a few weeks I decided to go on a date and the first date was amazing. It was the first date in a while where I felt like a guy genuinely wanted to know me and was really respectful without ulterior motives. Since then we talked rather consistently save for certain period where he was busier with exams and honestly I think we have some awesome conversations. We could not meet after the first date because there was a lockdown imposed due to covid.
I’m uncertain about his level of interest because our conversations are generally open ended so we don’t really have to initiate the conversation all over again and although I do feel that I tend to drive the conversation more, the enthusiasm in the conversation is balanced. Recently, the conversation ended off naturally so this time one of us would have to properly start the conversation again. I decided that I wouldn’t be initiating because I feel that I tend to often drive the conversation more in comparison to him and out of habit, my replies are faster as well (I don’t reply immediately, I simply reply when I’m free). It’s been a week and he’s yet to text. I’m just confused as to what’s up on his side, signs I should look out for and what I can do. Would love to hear some opinions 😩
Sensy
I would just move about my own life and if he is really interested, he can let you know in a sincere way.
Liz Lemon
This is a guy you met once in person. You had some nice conversations, but you don’t know each other. At this point I would sit back and let him initiate. If he reaches out to you, great. If you can get together after the lockdown ends, great. If he doesn’t reach out, then he wasn’t feeling it with you, sorry!
This is how you gauge the guy’s interest level, by letting him take the lead. If you are constantly initiating and reaching, you won’t really know if he’s only responding because he’s being polite, or is bored in lockdown, or thinks you’re OK but nothing special. Letting him reach out to you is the only way to know he’s genuinely interested.
So sit back and do nothing. We have no idea what’s up. Maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s talking to someone else, maybe he’s waiting for the lockdown to end so he can take you out. It’s actually not good to text too much when you don’t know someone well, because it creates a false sense of intimacy. So just sit tight and wait. If you never hear from him again, he wasn’t the one for you. We’ve all been there where we thought we had a great connection with a guy after 1 date and then never saw him again (I’ve certainly been there, anyway). There’s nothing you can do. It’s just the way dating is.
mell
I don’t think it matters if the conversations are open ended or not – if you’ve both been messaging consistently and having enthusiastic conversation, that’s a good thing.
The fact that he’s stopped however suggest that things may have run their course. I admit it’s odd – why message consistently for months then suddenly stop? However people of either gender sometimes just… do that.
I suspect that under lockdown, some guys (and gals) have been messaging people out of boredom and because their options are limited – as things open up, they may either finally meet up again and continue the relationship, or they might flake out now that they have more ways of entertaining themselves.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to tell people’s intentions early on. Guys lose interest for all sorts of reasons and when you’ve only met once or twice, they don’t really owe you an explanation for why things petered off. Perhaps his romantic interest petered off during that time, or perhaps he’s talked to someone else who just got on with him better – there’s probably no way of knwoing. I’ve been ghosted like that, too – after shorter coversations, but still going from daily messages to nothing can be frustrating. Maybe he did genuinely get on really well with you and have hopes -but that can change, too.
The problem with lockdown, is people have been taling to people for a long tme, but in terms of meeting, they still barely know each other – so it’s hard to knwo how ‘progressed’ a relationship is, or if both aprties feel the same way.
Unless he’s had a phone related emergency, I suspect you won’t hear frm him. Most people would advise you not to contact him. But if you feel you must, I’d suggest keeping the message breezy and seeing if there’s a response from there. If he responds, you can turn talk to whether he’d like to actually meet up (you can’t have a penpal forever), and if he doesn’t, you;ll have your answer. But be warned, usually no reply IS an answer.
Anderson
Alas. Never take a connection/person seriously when they’re fresh off a breakup, no matter how it feels.
Only he can confirm the real reason for not contacting you for a week. But while there’s a small chance for valid/innocent reasons, the odds are high you are a rebound.
Meena
I’m here looking for answers on a similar situation. I was chatting to a lovely guy online for a month before we met. We were both loving those chats. We had a really good date and clicked even better in person than we had online. We were in the process of organising our second date when things started changing with Covid19, and he realized that the border between him and his family was about to be locked down. So he went racing back there. The conditions there are much worse than they are here, and a family member did get quite sick. And this man doesn’t cope well with stress. He’s gone quiet on me now. I still see him online. But I can’t keep messaging him when he’s not replying. It’s been 9 days since I sent a message to him. I thought I’d try the no contact rule and wait 21 days…. but I don’t even know if that works if you haven’t actually had a relationship first. I honestly don’t know how much leeway I should be giving bearing in mind the unprecedented levels of stress at the moment. I am inclined to think he’s ghosted me and that we’re done, but I don’t want that to be the case as we had an amazing connection. For me that’s the first time in years I could say that. For context, we’re both middle aged, and he has two divorces behind him that he talks about quite bitterly so he’s quite possibly too gun shy for a relationship anyway. Yes, I sure can pick them. Do you guys ever offer one on one consults to discuss these scenarios? I think I’d rather pay for a consult to get my head in order than keep on hoping that something will change.
Newbie
Meena, you are giving this first date too much meaning because sadly there are a lot of dates that never get a follow yp for whatever reason. You barely know this man.
Meanwhile going no contact to force an outcome with a guy you met once is not the healty way to date. YOu just go on living your life. And date other guys. Because its really hard on your age. You might have to weed through a big puddle of flakes. Im not sure how you met this guy online but you might want to consider a paying site for more serious partners. Widowers for instance. Good luckANM StaffKeymasterHi Meena! I’m sorry to hear about your situation.
I encourage you to start a new separate topic – I think you’ll get more replies from our community that way. In topic threads where multiple people are asking questions, it can become a little muddled about who is talking to whom, and many of our community members just don’t respond in order to avoid that confusion.
Also, I saw your question about one-on-one consultations. Unfortunately, years ago on this forum, we have a lot of unscrupulous individuals attempting to advertise their own services on these forums. (Some of them claim to be Witch Doctors. I’m not kidding!) To be on the safe side, we’ve respectfully asked the community not to advertise services or give any contact information at all for persons outside the website.
But having said that, you’re welcome to take a look at A New Mode’s own services. Eric and Sabrina have a page set up here; you can reach out to them there if you’re interested. Best wishes to you!
Slatten
Hey ladies, I’m in a similar situation here. I think it’s so hard because obviously we all know matching on an app or having a couple of dates doesn’t make a real relationship but Covid is so frustrating as it’s sort of “dragged things out” but having a couple of months of texting whereas things may have fizzled out earlier – or got more serious, had we been able to get dare 2 or 3 in – as we would have in “normal times”. Reading your messages has been helpful for my own situation. Everyone has baggage, everyone is living this bizarre time differently and it isn’t the best scenario for a budding relationship. I don’t think texting is the sole gauge of a relationship and it’s normal it can’t be so intense or constant consistently – esp as there’s no end to the lockdown in sight for many of us. Also guys are physical beings – and at some point need to “see” us – I bet you can’t totally recall exactly how they looked, so you can’t get so stressed about things after a couple of meetings. Yet – don’t write these guys off immediately – just keep it on the back burner, checking in (at least if you’re getting some replies!) and try to focus on self care in lockdown- mentally and physically, and then when we have visibility on the future – then re-engage for a face to face date then? And if they say no/don’t reply – then you have your answer. If they do, go on the date and take it from there?
ANM StaffKeymasterMod update: Hi Slatten, I’m glad the messages here are helping you!
Above, I had posted something above in response to Meena, and I’ll suggest the same as I mentioned in that message — I’d recommend starting your own thread, since that will probably get more community involvement in responding to you. You’re welcome to start your own thread on the webpage here (just swipe to the bottom of the page and you’ll see it). I hope that you’re able to find clarity here!
mell
@staff: Great advice. I realy love how positive you keep your moderating tone. It’s one of the reasons I stick around here. I had the same thought when starting to read the message.
But I read Slatten’s message as more like “I’ve been through it too, but here are the thoughts that help me” – because the body of the message is all about how to move past these issues, and reads like pretty reasonable advice. It’s not really about their experience or asking for advice, but giving advice if that makes sense.
You’re the boss, obvs but it doesn’t seem entirely out of place on this thread to me :)
Though threadjacking happens a lot so I can easily see how it looked like it.
ANM StaffKeymasterHmm, yes, I might be guilty of skimming Slatten’s post too quickly. :)
I apologize, Slatten, I didn’t mean to push you to start a new thread when your intent was to relate your own experience to help with the OP and others in this thread. Thank you for relating your experiences with us!
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