Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Im so heartbroken
- This topic has 2 replies and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by
Maddie.
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Suzanne
Hold on , cause is a long story.
My now ex boyfriend and me met about 23 years ago.
At first he was just a friend but later we developed into a relationship.
He broke up with me a lot of times but eventually we got married and had a daughter.
After 7 years he wanted a divorce, he said he didn’t love me no more, as he had done so many times before.
So we got divorced but stayed good friends an parents for our daughter.
He was, is and always has been my best friend, my soulmate.
Everyone around us tells us we are great together, we belong togheter en that they are jealous of what we have, because if iets good between us it is really really good!!!
After 7 years apart i got interested in a man, he got scared i guess and trew himself head over heals in a semi romance with a girl he didn’t even really like, but who was available.
Me and the other man didn’t work out, we only had one date and that was enough to tell mehe wasn’t the one.
To make a long story short, my ex and i got togheter again, we realised we really loved each other and wanted to be togheter.
That was two years ago.
We each had a our own home an a life but we also had a life togheter.
In the time we got togheter he also got a fosterchild. This girl was the daughter of my first husbands second marriage.
He got to go to prison for childabuse and her mom died a few years ago, she had nowhere to go to so he took her in.
We knew her already from the time she was a baby.
My first husband was a abusive man who treated me verry bad. He sexualy abused me an gaslighted me trough our marriage witch ended in a divorce.
Because of the forsterdaughter an my past with her father we ended up fighting a lot.
With always my boyfriend in the middle.
H3 got so fed up with it, and all the other things in his life that all collapesed on him at the same time.
Our daughter has been sickly the last few months, he has to have a operation but doesn’t know when yet, i’m in therapie ( e.m.d.r an i.e, his grandma died, and our fosterchild turned out to be a verry traumasised girl who demands a lot of care that he really isn’t able to give het because he is no professional, but he won’t admit that
And the most important part, he has light autism
You can feel whats comming, he broke up with me last fryday.
I’m so heartbroken, i can only cry, and i really don’t believe he doesn’t love me annymore, he did this zo many times before.
Break up with me and after a few months regretting his dececion.
And always a moments when he is emotionally over his head.
He said he didn’t feel love for me anymore , that it feld like a brother sister relation for him. That he wanted peace.
The peace part ,that i believe, the not love anymore i dont believe that for a minute.
This is his go to act when he is close to burning down.
I know he is heading for a burn out and i’m so worried.
But i also believe i should let him feel the pain and sorrow of this burn out.
How do i do this??
Do i let him fall, i do still love him so much, and i want to be there for him.
Do i have to realise its really over this time?? After 22 years??
And how do i fix my broken heart?? It hurts so bad!!!
Please please help me out….Raven
This is just one big ball of drama!
Seriously, your focus needs to be on the small children involved…
Maddie
I think that the truth is, you both have had a lot of trauma over the course of your lives, and neither of you currently has the emotional tools and coping mechanisms to deal with it in a healthy way. You are working on it, as you are going to therapy, but it sounds like he is not. In addition, him being on the autism spectrum makes his work on himself even more challenging. It’s very common that two people who have been through so much will feel very attached and connected, maybe even off and on like you two have been, but it never works. This has nothing to do with your feelings for each other but has everything to do with your separate traumas and how you each feel about *yourself.* You can love each other a great deal (and I’m sure you both do!) but still not ever have a stable or happy relationship, even though the good times are really good.
The only way through that is if both people are committed to self-improvement and change for themselves and not for the other person, and no one can force their partner to want that or put in the effort. It’s very individually motivated. If he has broken up with you yet again, you need to leave him be outside of co-parenting discussions, and continue to focus on your own therapy. Work with an expert to figure out what will be best for both you and your child.
This will be difficult, feel upsetting, you’ll be sad and maybe angry and miss him, but that is all normal. It is good to feel these emotions and process them. If you keep going back to him and he has not done anything to change, you will keep ending up with the same result: a broken relationship that keeps you hooked and sad without any stability. While you are correct that there are additional stressors, such as his foster daughter needing care that is outside his expertise (I believe you are correct about this, and it is a very difficult problem and hard on all involved), relationships are not supposed to be draining like this. It is not only the stress from other factors, it is also how you relate to each other, have different needs from each other, and have problems finding good conflict resolution to resolve issues with each other and move forward together. That is no one’s fault, but it still is not sustainable. Please continue to discuss the situation with your therapist, and hang in there.
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