I'm Still Hung Up on My Ex :(

Well for me personally I have a rule that once you break up, you should stay that way. Never date an ex, there is a reason they’re an ex. So I vote just kind of stay back and go no contact as long as you need to. If you want to be friends in the future, i suggest waiting until all of those feelings are gone. Which will take a long time, if it happens at all.

Meeting nice guys is a lot simpler than people think. You just kind of have to put yourself out there and talk to people. Look like an option. A lot of my girlfriends will talk about how guys never talk to them an they never meet anyone. But they’ll be listening to music, reading, texting, etc while in public and look like they don’t want to be messed with. Put away all of that and just be where you are at. That’s how you meet people.

Becca,

I’m glad you posted, and I’m sorry this has been such a difficult situation for you. In my experience, you can love someone and have wonderful memories with them …. this doesn’t mean you have to be with them, nor that you should, nor that this is the path to your happiness. You don’t have to choose between loving and not loving him….just drop the expectations surrounding your love and keep moving forward in your life, and you’ll find that your love for him continues to enrich your life even as you explore new and more fulfilling relationships.

I know how difficult it can be to be caught up in a past relationship and feel disconnected from being able to create relationships in the present. My suggestion is, take the focus off meeting “a nice guy” or “the right guy” and focus on changing your own dynamics. Blaming the guys will get you nowhere. The question is really your own capacity for connection.

Learn how to connect with guys in a real way. This means learning to connect with yourself in a real way. Enjoy the process. Look to HAVE FUN with guys, and enjoy the present, rather than trying to figure out how to “get them to commit” – this is false thinking and will only cause you pain.

Just focus on developing and deepening your connections and enjoying your time with people without attachment, expectation, fantasy, fear of loss, or any other ego-driven form of alienation and pain.

Basically this starts with self-acceptance and self-love. There are lots of great articles on this site and elsewhere about BEING OPEN to genuine connection (which is VERY different than “wanting a guy who wants a real relationship” – getting caught up in what you want out of people will only push them away. Focus on opening yourself up to the present moment and being open to everyone you encounter, without trying to judge their intentions or getting caught up in your own expectations or need for validation. This is your best bet for exploring the genuine depth of connection you seek….in my experience, at least.

Hope that helps
xoxo

Anna- thanks for that- it helped me!

Becca, I know exactly how you feel. No contact is the way to go, I think. But I know, believe me, that is NOT easy. When feelings like this are involved, I’m not sure “Friends” is an option. At least, not now.

Thanks Anna!

Everything you said makes a lot of sense. I do think that I should not get back together with my ex. For now, I’ll try to be friends with him and hopefully that will work out. I’m scared that there will be drama and hurt feelings down the line but I guess I should risk it just so that I dont end up losing my friends because of him (?).

But honestly I much rather would just be done with him. I’m like 95% completely over him. I do feel like I am ready to be serious with someone else. The only reason I even entertain the idea of POSSIBLY getting back together with him is because I have only met losers and guys who string me along so it makes me feel like I honestly might never meet another guy who I have that special connection with. If I could just meet a different guy who actually cared about getting to know me and that I had a special connection with, then I know for sure I wouldnt care about me ex (even though the memories would still always be special to me). As I said before, its not like I cant handle being single or anything, but I realize that I’m more of a relationship type of person and I like to spend my time with my guy than be out there living “the single life.” idk.

I know I should really not care about titles and “where things are going” and just live in the moment with a guy but I’ve been hurt in the past by guys who’ve strung me along for various reasons.

For example, this has happened to me a lot in the past: Theres a guy who seems like a nice, responsible person. He seems interested and will ask to hang out with me. We hang out and seem to have a great time. He will continually ask to hang out with me. I wont be clingy or overbearing (I dont text them unless theres something I specifically need to tell them; I usually wait for them to text first). After a month or so, I finally feel like “hey maybe this is actually going to go somewhere since things have been running smoothly, we seem to be getting along, and he seems to be genuinely interested in me.” but then, always, the rug gets pulled out from under me. Each time, the guy just abruptly stops asking me to hang out and stops talking to me. I later find out that he ACTUALLY liked another girl and then he ends up dating that other girl.

I end up feeling upset and stupid since I thought that they genuinely liked me and had a connection with me (since we often spend at least a month or two just hanging out), but apparently they didnt really like me. I know I still shouldnt assume it would go anywhere but it’s really hard for me to not have expectations especially when my feelings are involved. If I really start to like a guy, then I can’t help but to think of how maybe things could be in the future especially when it seems like the guy likes me too.

Also, I feel like I am open to having connections with guys but that there are a lot of guys that arent open to having a connection with me. For example, I’ll meet a guy and put in effort to talk to them so I can get to know them and see if they are even compatible with my personality. But the guys usually don’t care at all about getting to know me. They seem to concerned with themselves or they are just not interested even though they don’t even REALLY know me. So i guess that’s maybe what I mean by finding a “guy who wants a relationship” like a guy who at least will put SOME effort in getting to know me and isnt just interested in flirting with me when its convenient for them.
:/

Also, sorry if this sounds really whiney! I’m sort of venting my frustrations on here lol.

Thanks Anna!

I do like venting on here lol because I do figure out what’s bothering me. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what my problem is, but I dont know how to solve it. So the problem continues… :/

If you feel the sex was bad, thats a deal breaker …you said it yourself, you would not be able to put up with it forever…