I’m the Most-Stupidest person alive

Why are you so negative about yourself?? It doesn’t make you stupid to like someone you’ve been dating for 3 months who switched from being clear to confusing. It can take a minute to catch up emotionally when a situation changes and some runs hot and cold.

Unfortunately, he sounds like he doesn’t want to take things further, and people usually start to decide if they want to become official or break things off around 3 months (end of honeymoon period). He’s not been direct about it, which shows immaturity on his part. In my opinion, good people are respectful and break things off more directly after you’ve gone on several dates over weeks or months. So if he is blowing you off, it doesn’t reflect well on him because you deserve better!

Does he know when you’re due to return? I’d stop reaching out or expecting anything and start thinking about seeing other people again (cutting yourself off from others after 2 dates can backfire if the other person isn’t looking for something serious). Maybe he thinks he can be distant because you’re traveling anyway, but don’t make excuses for him. If he’s worth your time, he’ll be in touch when you’re back and make it up to you. If he did a 180 out of no where, that does happen and it’s really crappy when it does. But it’s HIM not you in that case, because someone who is ready for a relationship will communicate about issues, not avoid them and blindside you with them.

@ Maddie : I feel stupid for not looking out for signs. It was almost too good to be true. He was the one to bring out how he wasn’t going to date others because he saw how good we were after 2nd date and we were really great. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him how much I liked him all the time. It might be that he doesn’t want to take it further like you said but he didn’t have to tell me all the nice things until the last moment and disappear.

@Padmini : Right now I do feel very very stupid. I will send a text asking how he is doing and if I can help him in any way. See how it goes even though I feel like if he wanted to he could have text. Especially when my last text to him said so. But beside this time, he had been really consistent about texting and being in contact so him disappearing for a week is not a good sign though.
I will let you guys know if I hear back anything.

I’m really sorry! This sucks. Maddie is right, usually after 3-4 months of dating a guy will take stock of the situation & decide whether he wants a serious relationship with the woman he’s dating. Up until that point he will *act* totally invested– not out of malice, but men live in the moment while women tend to project a future when things are going well. Men don’t really stop to think about the future with a woman until several months in.

Whatever his reason for ending it, I know it’s heartbreaking. You will meet guys like him– better than him, even. We’ve all been where you are and we know how much it sucks! But you will find another guy who’s just as awesome, or more awesome, as him.

If you take anything away from this situation, know not to totally give your heart to a guy too soon, or get overly invested before the 3-4 month mark. It’s ok to feel excited and happy about being with a new guy, but don’t go 100% all in emotionally right away just because everything seems great early on. Give it some time before you totally go all in. It takes months before you really start seeing someone’s baggage anyway, people are on their best behavior at the beginning stages. So you don’t really start to know a guy’s issues, or whether you’re you’re compatible, for months.

Tallspicy speaks some hard truth, and it’s always good when looking back at something to start with yourself first. Not in terms of feeling “stupid” or doing anything “wrong” but in terms of why you were attracted to this guy in the first place.

Yes, what everyone else said. Some great advice there. Particularly what TallSpicy said, it was too soon for him to make those judgement calls on a second date.

And so now we know, don’t take everything they say as legit and truthful, especially so early on.

Here’s the thing Grace, and I think Padmini and others mentioned it above. There’s a big difference between being a stupid person, and doing things that in retrospect, we might have done differently.

Here’s how I would define you – as someone who’s learning how this beautiful thing called dating works, and doesn’t work.

You my friend, are far from being a stupid person. Just the fact that you’re here asking for independent objective second opinions tells me 2 things – that you’re open-minded (which is the gateway to wisdom) and that you’re willing to learn and correct your strategies (which is wisdom and a very very VERY smart thing to do).

So number 1 – never ever NEVER refer to yourself as a stupid person. They way you treat yourself in your head and in your heart is how guys will end up treating you too. So everytime a thought like that comes up, ask yourself, if I were someone I deeply loved like my sister or my best friend, what would I tell her?

Self-compassion is very under-rated and a key factor in happiness and enjoying beautiful relationships. Be kind to yourself and absolutely no name-calling no matter what, okay?

(I say this with full compassion, because I used to do this too so I know what it feels like to have this compulsion to blame myself. In almost every situation – or more accurately in EVERY situation- the problem was never a one-sided issue. I just couldn’t see that at the time, because I was too busy blaming myself. )

And number 2, learn to differentiate between who you are and your behaviour. You are way more than anything you say, feel or do in any given moment. You have great capacity to reflect, learn about, evaluate and transform any behaviour action or trait you wish to in yourself.

So take some time to think about how you carried yourself in this relationship, the kind of expectations you had or didn’t have, what you think you might do differently in the future. Were you being responsible and evaluating the other persons character and strengths / weaknesses over time and in different situations, before you became over emotionally invested? Or were you overly trusting and a little naive?

And if you were the latter, it’s okay. Because::

Finally number 3, remember you’re still learning. You’re learning about yourself, about dating and relationships, and the ways guys are different to girls. So take what happened as a great prompt from life to get smarter on this subject. It’s okay to get it wrong. Getting it wrong is part of getting it right. As long as you keep learning from everything that happens.

So:
No 1. Be kind and respectful to yourself;
No 2. Who you are is more than anything that has ever happened in the past;
No 3. It’s time to learn about what works and what doesn’t work.

Remember there’s no such thing as failure, only feedback. So one of the ways to deal with this is to get busy.

The truth is, unless we’re super lucky to have a role model who’s an expert in relationships, most of us are never taught the fundamentals of relating and creating and maintaining beautiful connections, either at home or in an educational setting. We must take it upon ourselves to master this area ourselves. And we can.

YOU can.

Find the resources that will help you figure this out. Its one of the most empowering things you will ever do. (I’ve learnt so much through this forum and ANM, and everything else out there relationship wise that resonated with wisdom.)

And truly, the smartest thing you can do is be kind to yourself. Honour who you are. Your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your wisdom and all the million other myriad of things that make you special and uniwie and so very wonderful to be around.

Have your own back. Nothing else matters in contrast to this. How you treat your heart, is how others will feel inspired to treat you.

Especially men. Make your heart your priority. Others will follow suit.

Okay, that’s enough from me for now.

Take what resonates and leave the rest.
Your name is Grace for a reason, there is great power and love and beauty in who you are. You are your own greatest asset and once you learn to fall in love with yourself, you will never settle for those who are unable to match the true beauty of your soul.

Live your highest best life Grace, and then notice who is able to match you. There you will find a love that will soar and fly you to the heavens and back. Expect a love that is worthy of you, and nothing less.

Thank you so much for kind words. I’m really grateful for all the replies and suggestions. I can’t explain how much it helped me.

I can see where I went wrong. I should have taken things slowly and not be overly invested over those “ I really love your smile so I always want to make you happy “ words. It is easy to say things. I should have waited to see how he was going to act in few months.

I can see my patterns of trying to make the guy no matter what I was feeling as well. I am listening podcasts and reading a bit about it too. So, I will be better prepared next time ( hopefully). I was a bit dramatic for a guy that i saw only 3 months ( 😬).

I have started working out and reading again which I kind of stopped when I met him. Looking into joining some online groups for events. I can’t really put my energy into dating yet so maybe will take it slow. I have updated accounts in dating app though so when I feel I’m ready I have account ready.

Thank you so much for the time you guys gave into writing to me.