Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › I'm trying to figure out his feelings
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Amy
Hey everybody. I really need some help figuring out his feelings for me. I met this guy on Tinder, we’re both in our mid twenties and we clicked right away. He was polite and gentlemanly and asked me out on the first day of meeting and we met IRL a few days later after great messaging. The first date was terrific and we had off the charts chemistry. He pushed for sex that night but I said no and he backed off nicely. I wasn’t mad at him for wanting sex because that’s what men do and it’s a girl’s job to set the pace and tone. At least that’s what I’ve been reading as I’m trying to understand dating and stuff.
After the first date he texted me immediately to thank me for the great date, but he waited for me to follow up to let him know if I wanted to see him again. My gals said that he felt rejected by me because I said no to sex that night. I was kinda mad at him because he made me wait for him to contact me but he didn’t and I thought he wasn’t into me. I read when a guy is into you, you’ll know it. I wasn’t sure so I contacted him. He was really happy to hear from me and was really excited to see me again. We had another great date and he did not push for sex. Then a couple of more dates with more off the charts chemistry. I kept saying no to sex because I wanted to wait and he wasn’t thrilled but seemed to respect that. For date 6 I suggested a rock concert because I thought dates with just drinking and eating were not that interesting and I wanted to do an activity together. I offered to pay for the tickets because it was my idea and I know how careful he is with money. Maybe he’s cheap? He took my offer and did not offer to pay for his ticket and he let me pay for both of us. I didn’t mind because I made a sincere offer to pay for the tickets. Him and I both have good jobs making decent money but I know he’s more careful or cheap with money than me.
I’m really confused about the money issue in dating. An older lady at work said if a man doesn’t pay for dates he is not in love with you. Huh? I’ve paid for some dates, he paid for others. Things got awkward only when he didn’t want to pay for one of our dates and made me get the food and drink bill. But I think it’s been even so far when it comes to money we both spent on the dates except for the concert tickets I paid for. Anyway we had a great time at the concert but he didn’t want to pay for drinks and food afterward. I refused to pay so he said he would because I paid for the tickets. I didn’t remind him I paid for them. I was shocked he expected me to pay the drink and dinner bill then paid reluctantly. I kept thinking about what the lady at work said when this happened and I felt terrible thinking this guy is not in love with me.
I guess I’m really confused about his feelings for me and the money thing. Are they related or two separate issues? I got paranoid about the money thing being related to love because of what that lady said. She said a man in love wants to take care of a girl and spending money on her is part of that. The love thing confuses me because I don’t know if he’s fallen in love with me or needs more time or if that lady has old fashioned ideas about dating. I also read dating advice that gives conflicting points about how and when a man falls in love. I’ve been really trying to learn about dating so I don’t mess up! Some say a man falls in love right away, others say he falls in lust right away and needs time to figure out if it’s love. I know this guy has been in lust with me from the get go, but it really bothers me that I can’t figure out if it’s love or just lust or he needs more time for lust to turn into love by getting to know me and spend more time with me. He doesn’t ask to see me that often and he doesn’t contact me everyday because he’s so busy with his stressful job and I know it’s still so early in our dating and we haven’t made a commitment to each other. But I’m afraid he’s not in love with me if he lets days go by without talking or seeing me. I read about love bombing so I’m happy he hasn’t done that. I’m also confused when he said he needs sex from me to feel closer to me. It makes sense in my head but I don’t know if that’s just manipulation. I’m ready now to get intimate with him but the way he didn’t want to pay after the concert turned me off a lot and I’m afraid of having sex with a guy who’s not in love with me or doesn’t see me as a girl he can love. I think I could love him and I want to have a relationship with him. Sorry about the different issues that are confused in my head! Help?
LaneI can understand your conundrum because dating has become so confusing today because neither sex seems to know what they are doing!
I believe the one who asks or sets up the date should pay for the date if you are not in a relationship. If you are the one who proposed the concert date, then the onus was on you to pay for it. In the future, if you don’t want to pay for a date, then don’t plan one until you are a couple at which point you should pay here and there everything unless he’s rich enough to shell out a few hundred a month on dates! Can you afford that? If not, then you shouldn’t expect a young man to do it either.
I also believe you are going into this with a skewed mentality. A guy shouldn’t have to break the bank to get to know you, and need to understand its become very expensive to date today so I wouldn’t call him *cheap* but financially savvy haha.
I find its best to keep the early dates low key and inexpensive. There are lots of free and inexpensive ways to get to know each other without breaking the bank such as a local museum, street festival, a nature hike, scenic drive and picnic, etc. Back in my day we didn’t *formally date* like they do today. Nope, we did mostly free or low cost activities as it was more about getting to know each other in a lot of different situations to determine if we liked each other enough to try a relationship, become a couple, and see if we continued to meshed in key areas or not.
Don’t look at dating so seriously right now as it should be more about learning about how to communicate, character, traits, communication, goals, compatibility (finances, beliefs, family/parenting, etc.) not *how much* they spend or don’t spend on you. Just listen, watch, and observe to see what type of guy he and other guys you date are that works best for you to the point you gel so well you’re still together a year plus later and naturally planning a future together. BTW my (now ex) husband and I were very poor when we started out but we both had dreams and over a decade later we worked TOGETHER (key word) to build a nice comfortable lifestyle for us and our family. Its really about how you work together as a team that will determine if you’re a good fit for each other or not.
AnonAmy,
I would not get hung up on paying or not paying until it’s a pattern of behavior. You should decide if you really like him and really see a future with him before you sleep with him.So right now, sit back and let him pursue you- I wouldn’t contact him or try to make plans- let him do it. You’ll find out soon enough his interest level.
More than spending money is the effort a guy puts in is the real turn off to me
AmyI wanted to pay for over half the dates and the concert and I had no problem doing that because I don’t take advantage of any man by making him pay but my work colleague has been trying to convince me I messed up and should never pay for anything in the beginning stages of dating. She said I made a mistake by not allowing him to be a man and she said he is not a man in love with me because he let me pay and let me unfairly pay more than him and he doesn’t care about impressing me like a man in love. I got confused by her strong opinions on dating so I came to this dating forum for advice. She said I did well in the other parts of dating by letting him initiate everything, not contacting him, not making the first move. He’s made a good effort to initiate everything and make an effort on all 6 dates to show me he really likes me but the money and love thing tripped me up. Can others help me out answering my other questions about how and when a man falls in love? I don’t want to hear any more advice from the lady at work. Some of you think the money thing is not related to love.
KAmy, no man is in love with you by date 6. If he claims he is, that’s a red flag.
The woman sounds like she’s reading out of an old book called The Rules. But what your work colleague is saying is true of a certain kind of man, “old fashioned” by today’s standards. Men who are like that don’t let you pay for dates. They will let you pay for small things here and there and that’s it. Whether they’re “in love” with you or not.
But it sounds like you two are already playing tug of war over the bill. I’ve never encountered a man who refused to at least pay for himself. A man refusing to pay at least part of a tab when it came, especially after you’ve bought the concert tickets, is cheap and petty in my book.
You were right to refuse sex on the first date.
If your gut is telling you he isn’t serious about you, you’re probably right at this stage. But if you want to give it a chance and see what happens, go for it. Just don’t sleep with him until you have more data. This is an iffy case. I kinda feel like he’s already showing his true colors and they aren’t real pretty.
AmyThanks K. It really helped to hear what you said. I have to avoid my work colleague at lunch because she seems to enjoy telling this guy is not in love with me and I messed up. It’s been really confusing me. It’s a relief to hear a pov that’s realistic and not rigid while I’m trying to figure out dating in general and this guy.
I’ll think a lot about what you said about the tug of war over the bill. It’s been more awkward once or twice than outright fighting and he ends up treating me nicely. I realize now I have to give his feelings more time and I have to give myself more time to get to know him before sleeping with him. He has been pressuring me to sleep with him and insists it will make us feel closer. Like I said in my first post I don’t know if this is typical manipulation but I did hear guys can’t fall in love with a girl without first being intimate. Can somebody share their thoughts on this?
KAmy, any man who is pressuring you to sleep with him for any reason is out of line and not good enough for you. That’s a straight up “game over” situation.
He wants to feel closer to you by having sex with you? What a bunch of self serving BullS***. This is the kind of guy who will vanish as soon as you have sex with him. This is classic “hit it and quit it”behavior. He’s what is called a F*** Boy.
Get rid of him before you get taken advantage of. Tell him you’re not feeling the connection here and it’s time for you two go your separate ways. Don’t explain it past that and if you have to block him then block him. You will wind up VERY hurt if you keep seeing him.
KAnd whatever your work colleague says, just let it go in one ear and right out the other. She’s entitled to her POV. You don’t have to take it on board. Don’t share any more about your personal life with her.
PS women are NOT required to sleep with a man to get his love
ShoshannahHi Amy, regarding your last question – there isn’t any rocket science to this. In general, intimacy brings people closer, men and women, but both sexes can develop strong feelings for the other party prior to that (I’m sure you experienced that? Crushing on someone without, or before, getting intimate? It happens to men too). What is important (and, they say, often different for men and women), and maybe what you’re getting at, is that men don’t necessarily form a strong attachment after sex. So it doesn’t have to be the case, and I wouldn’t believe him, that he’ll feel closer to you after sex.
He is showing some yellow flags, I think. I split the bill on my dates, but, as K said, I never encountered a man who refuses to pay his share. And pressuring you for sex, with this cheeky reasoning that he’ll feel closer to you, is just a bit unattractive.
From what you describe, you didn’t make any mistakes with this man. I’m not saying that this won’t work out, but if it doesn’t, then keep in mind that with most men that you date it doesn’t work out and this isn’t any reflection on you. I think you’re right to try to avoid this woman from your work. There are many different opinions as for paying, depending on age, culture or even geography, but if talking to her puts you down, then maybe you are onto something.
AmyThanks so much K and Shoshannah! I didn’t know this guy has been trying to manipulate me because he seems so sincere in our messages and talk IRL and I thought guys pushing for sex was normal. I stopped talking to work colleague already because her insistence she’s right and I’m wrong and I have to listen to her because she’s older than me and knows more is really disturbing. I’m having trouble knowing who to trust. I really wanted to trust this guy because he seemed to be the man I always wanted to find but the red and yellow flags made me unsure. Glad I found people here that have been nice and helpful.
KYeah sure he’s sincere… he sincerely wants to get into your pants ASAP.
No decent guy pressures you for sex or pressures you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with for that matter.
Always remember this. You’re a valuable, desirable woman. Your time, your energy and your body are precious and sacred. A man needs to qualify as in meet your standards to get the good stuff from you, which is all of those things. That means he is kind, thoughtful and respectful, for starters. Pushing for sex is none of those things. Some guys will do it though and it’s a clear sign they’re low value, too low for you. Keen reading this site and look for other things to read and people IRL who are genuinely wise to learn from so you can work out sooner rather than later what your own definition of a decent guy is.
And don’t sleep with a man unless you’re had the relationship talk and you’re certain you’re exclusive with him. Don’t ever assume because a man is being nice to you and taking you out that he’s your boyfriend.
LaneI am not in disagreement with your co-worker! In the beginning, prior to a relationship, I let the man plan the dates and pay for them because as I stated earlier, the one who plans the date should pay for the date. Additionally it tells you their level of interest whereas a man who’s interested is willing to pay to get your time and attention, a man who isn’t doesn’t. This has has nothing to do with “love” it has everything to do with a man showing the woman he would make a good provider IF they partner up, as its in a man’s DNA to be a PROVIDER for his woman and their family. Men who cannot provide don’t get the woman, only those who can do IF you are a woman who expects the man to provide.
There are many men who LOVE the woman but are unable to provide for her so don’t get the two mixed up as they are two separate and distinct issues and ultimately depends on what the woman requires in a mate.
As for him pushing for sex and saying “it will make you closer” is hogwash!!! Men can easily go without sex for years if they are “in love” with the woman. This was very common back in the day where they courted each other for two to three years and didn’t have sex until their honeymoon! Many of those who held out (such as my parents, grandparents, uncle/aunt, cousins, etc.) are still married or remained married until their deaths btw so now know sex doesn’t equal love and love doesn’t equal sex. However you do need to know that a man who’s *pushing for sex* just wants sex and should push back harder (not give in) as they will eventually give up and move on if you don’t put out which clearly tells you they aren’t in love and aren’t going to fall in love. That is the BEST test to know how a man truly feels about you.
AnonAgree with K- do not listen to people that are insistent with their opinions because it appears they lack boundaries or have another agenda. You definitely seem pointed in the right direction. All I can say about sex is that most men will say or do anything to get it. I’ve never met a guy who’s interested in sex go for years without it if they are single. Married… well that’s another story- lol
T from NYIn my opinion this guy is completely not into you for a relationship and will only keep seeing you because he would like to have sex with you. If you sleep with him, he might hit you up for more or, he might do a one and done.
I think your work friend has a bad rap on this thread, but in my opinion a lot of what she’s saying has truth. Using the love word is too much – but I don’t pay for dates in the beginning either. A man courting you — calls, texts, asks you out and pays. I have just never paid for dates, except the occasional coffee or round of drinks, until I was in a relationship with someone exclusively. Everyone is different I suppose. But letting the man lead SHOWS you his interest level. And if he doesn’t have the money he can plan inexpensive dates.
A LOT of guys will go out with you if you pursue them – but as you see, they won’t offer to pay, don’t text you much, don’t respond to your texts quickly and don’t initiate dates (unless you try and arrange for sex). She is also right that — if a man likes you — you’ll know it. I would get back to living your life and being open to men who would want a relationship with you.
AmyOkay, lots of different opinions. Thanks everybody! Gives me lots to think about dating in general and this guy. IMO he did everything right about pursuing me and initiating texts, talks and dates so I thought I got a good read on his interest in me but the money thing and if it was a reflection of his feelings for me tripped me up. With the different opinions about this on this forum I’m more confused but I’ll figure it out. I’ll figure out the sex thing by delaying sex but I don’t know if I want to keep seeing him if I’m uncomfortable with his pushing me for sex and new suspicions he only wants sex from me. I thought him and I had great dates, talk, and time spent together that had nothing to do with sex and I thought we were on our way to having a relationship. He said and did lots of things that showed me he wanted an exclusive relationship with me but some of you here think they were moves just to get sex?
I got no problem with work colleague’s right to her opinion but I have a real problem with her insistence she’s right and I MUST listen to her because she believes she is right and everybody that disagrees with her is wrong. That’s crazy. I already stopped talking to her about this topic because of her crazy attitude and I came here for other opinions. It’s been helpful to get them but honestly I’m more confused than ever. I’ll figure it out lol.
JCHi Amy,
I suspect you’re fairly young, and I applaud your desire to learn about men and dating and understanding the differences between the sexes.
I’m an older woman (mid-60s), but I have the benefit of having experienced “trying to figure out how to date” in my 40s after a divorce. If there’s one thing I’d like to impress upon you, it’s to avoid being intimate with a man until you’re sure you’re in an actual, official relationship with someone whose words and actions match. I don’t think most women fully grasp what happens to our hearts and heads when we have sex with men who may or may not even contact us again. The experience goes against our nature as women, it hardens us, and we often look back on those encounters with tremendous regret.
I didn’t address the other issues (who pays, your work acquaintance, etc.), because as I see it, the most important thing right now is to not cave in to this guy’s pressure to have sex. It’s too early in your situationship to know if his main interest in you is sexual, and the price you’ll pay emotionally if he “hits it and quits it” just isn’t worth it. You’ve got lots of time and there are lots of good guys out there!
KatieTrust your gut. When you feel unhappy about something. It will never goes away. Based on my experiences, this guy doesn’t want to be serious with you. I dated a guy who was willing to put effort, waited 3 months for sex. After sex, he showed his true color, just strung me along and probably wanted a FWB. I never ask him for commitment because I was unhappy. I just left him.
If a guy doesn’t commit to you within 3-4 months. Leave him. Have sex only when you are ready to let the guy go. Waiting for sex doesn’t mean he wants a LTR
SensyI hope my post gets red and the key word here is “afraid”.
He has caught on that you are needy because you are pushing.
If you really like the guy didn’t lean back and start valuing yourself.
SensyYOU are the prize to be won. NOT him.
Sensy*read
Sensy*then Kean back
Stop paying for dates and also stop pushing. Realize your value!!! If he starts stepping up and you feel good about him, treat every now and then. Most importantly, be in the moment.
AmyThanks JC and Katie for sharing your experiences! JC, I’m young and I’m really trying to learn. I haven’t made many mistakes with this guy and I’d like to keep it that way but I’m not sure about seeing him again. Katie, I’m sorry about what that guy did to you. When you left because you weren’t happy did he care or did he try to manipulate you to stay for sex? I’m trying to prepare myself for what will happen if or when I stop dating him.
KatieWe were dating for 5 months. He was manipulating. He tried to control me when we can meet or date on his terms, treated me like an option. He gave me mixed signals. I didn’t see any progression. I had a strong feeling him but i know commitment is a behavior not a label. I don’t want to teach a man how treat me right.
Now I’m dating a man who give me different vibe. Let me choose when I want to see him, eagerly paying for my food.
When a man genuinely like you, you wouldn’t feel confused. You would feel special. Keep looking for that man.
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